Anxiety

My chest hurts. It feels like a stabbing pain from the front to the back of the left side of my chest and I can't get it to go away. No I am not having a heart attack, it's anxiety. I look normal maybe more agitated.My temper is short and I am having a "hot flash" I usually am not even sure why I am having anxiety. When I first started to experience this pain I had no idea what it was. This was before I became pregnant with Kooper. I thought I was having heart problems. I went to the doctor and was referred to a cardiologist. Everything was perfect. It was then that I researched and figured out that this occurred mostly at work, thinking about work. It went away as I knew my job would be coming to an end at Goodrich and that I would be venturing into a new career field. But it didn't go away for long. When I became pregnant again it showed it's ugly face, the worry about Kamryn and losing another baby made the painful sharp pain in my chest reappear making it seem hard to breath, feeling lightheaded, feeling like I was trapped and suffocating and not getting enough air. Sometimes I had to really think about what was causing it and even when I figured out what was, like today the pain just persists. I went outside to try and get some fresh air, that didn't help. I tried talking to someone and that person didn't care to listen. I think they are mad at me. I won't name any names because that is hurtful. But I have this huge pain in my chest and it won't go away. I am trying to take deep breaths. I am trying to think through the reason and reassure myself that it's okay! You will be fine, the baby will be fine, but it's hard. It's hard as this baby reaches the point at which it is a viable baby. He is getting bigger and kicking more and I am getting more attached. Ever since I lost Kooper. When I have been pregnant with Kamryn and now this baby I try and tell myself that it could all be taken away from me. and I try not to get too attached. Of course I will, but I really just try not too. This morning when I got home from work and went to sleep for a while I dreamt of him being born too early and of trying to fix him. I woke up before there was any outcome, but that is causing the anxiety. I am afraid to lose him. Today I am worried, because of a stupid dream. Yesterday as Kade and I played the name game I talked about it my yesterday's post I realize how much alike the names Keegan and Kooper are....it scares me. I have become superstitious. I find things that seem the same and make them the same even though to others may not see a connection.

Kooper
Keegan

Does anyone see a resemblance? Double letters (double o's double e's), the same amount of letters, the same organization of consonant and vowels?

This too might be part of my anxiety, but it's mostly the dream. As I type it feels a little better and then I stop and I feel it come again.

Dear Anxiety,
I just wish you would go away, I hate you! You hurt my heart, you make me feel pain, you suck energy from me and put me in a BAD mood, you make me think bad thoughts you make me feel like I am suffocating and it's not nice! I hate you.
Please go away. I would greatly appreciate it.
Kami

I don't want the post to end, because then I will feel you again. But it must I have no more words.