Thursday, November 11, 2010


Sometimes I feel guilty.  Tonight I went to dinner with two friends that in the past few weeks that I have become much closer to. They too have been where I was and still am only I have been on this path longer then they have, a grieving mother with empty arms.  We were able to share our experiences and pictures of our beautiful perfect babies and share our paths of grief.  Although I have been there It has been longer for me and my family has grown. I feel guilty that I get to come home to a baby. Although it's not Kooper, I still feel bad. I know that they both know, that Keegan will never replace Kooper and that my heart ache is still there. That when I miss Kooper even Keegan can't feel that void. I am sure they understand but the guilt still overwhelms me at times. I feel bad when I bring Keegan up in fear that something I may have said might hurt them.  I forget that even the littlest  things that happen or are said may seem harmless to anyone else but if said in a certain way or context can feel like a stab in the heart to someone who is grieving the loss a loved one After I have visited with them I try and think back on the things I have said and hope that there wasn't anything that made them feel bad. I hope I haven't said anything to these two amazing women that may have hurt them. I know that they wouldn't want me to feel guilty. But I do and I am sure the guilt will soon pass.  I learn so much from these women and I am grateful for their friendship.  They are such a good support system.

I have had a couple people tell me, "You didn't realize when you lost Kooper that you would be the one helping more people who have to walk the same path, did you?" Honestly I sometimes think that they have helped me more than I have helped them.

 One of them wrote this on their blog and I loved the way she put it:

I heard so many times in church that we are all like rough stones that are put in a tumbler where trials knock pieces off us.  Eventually we become smooth and precious from all that we endure.  I think until now I have had little tiny pieces worn off, but was extremely rough and unpolished.  Lately I have felt my tumbler is wearing off a little too much too fast.  My heart is very sore from all the tumbling.  I just hope that I am actually refining and not just adding more rough spots on myself.  I want to endure well and let my faith carrying me through.  That, I have learned, is much more difficult in practice than in theory.
Thanks ladies for a wonderful night.


1 comment:

Christy said...


Nothing you ever say makes me feel bad. I have been so grateful for you and what you have said to me. Not many people I know understand that heartache of losing a baby.

Thank you for coming and sharing your pictures. They are so beautiful!

I am grateful you have Keegan. I know you still ache for Kooper as I will for Declan, but it is special to think of holding one of my own babies someday and I am grateful you have had that chance.

Thank you for everything!