Sometimes I feel guilty. Tonight I went to dinner with two friends that in the past few weeks that I have become much closer to. They too have been where I was and still am only I have been on this path longer then they have, a grieving mother with empty arms. We were able to share our experiences and pictures of our beautiful perfect babies and share our paths of grief. Although I have been there It has been longer for me and my family has grown. I feel guilty that I get to come home to a baby. Although it's not Kooper, I still feel bad. I know that they both know, that Keegan will never replace Kooper and that my heart ache is still there. That when I miss Kooper even Keegan can't feel that void. I am sure they understand but the guilt still overwhelms me at times. I feel bad when I bring Keegan up in fear that something I may have said might hurt them. I forget that even the littlest things that happen or are said may seem harmless to anyone else but if said in a certain way or context can feel like a stab in the heart to someone who is grieving the loss a loved one After I have visited with them I try and think back on the things I have said and hope that there wasn't anything that made them feel bad. I hope I haven't said anything to these two amazing women that may have hurt them. I know that they wouldn't want me to feel guilty. But I do and I am sure the guilt will soon pass. I learn so much from these women and I am grateful for their friendship. They are such a good support system.
I have had a couple people tell me, "You didn't realize when you lost Kooper that you would be the one helping more people who have to walk the same path, did you?" Honestly I sometimes think that they have helped me more than I have helped them.
One of them wrote this on their blog and I loved the way she put it: