18 months

It's hard to beleive that Kooper would be 18 months old today. It's weird how time passes us by. At times it feels like we are moving in slow motion and before we know it time has passed us by so quickly it's hard to believe. It's hard to imagine that I have been living with this heart ache for a year and a half. Although it isn't as bad as it once was it's still there. It feels like it was only days ago. In a way I don't want the time to pass on. I don't want to say 2 or 3 or 5 or 10 years ago my baby died. Then it has to be okay. I have to be over it in others eyes. I never will get over it. When others apologize for my loss I may say it's okay, because it's not their fault. It's not okay but it is what it is (Ryan hates that saying). I don't think that I have to be okay with Heavenly Father's plan for me all the time. But I will accept it. I will take what he gives me and just know that it is in my best interest. I will try and find the good in what has happened. I will try and look for a reason. I might come up with a few good ones of my own but I know that I will never truly know until I meet my Heavenly Father again. And I will understand. I am sure I will be grateful for his plan and know that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Who of us (Kooper and I) is making more of a sacrifice? He or I? I think he is. At time I think he has it so much easier. He gets to be in heaven. He doesn't have to be tested anymore. He doesn't have Satin trying to get him to do even the little things that can slowly get you to stray away. He doesn't have to wish he could see me. But what he did sacrifice is not being tested. Right now he is watching us and in a way I am sure wishing he could experience what we have but then on the other hand he has to watch us struggle through life and hope and pray that we will stay on the right path so that in the millennium we can be his parents and raise him and let him experience and learn the lessons of life, be a kid, play in the dirt, play cars. Because right now he is in the most beautiful place but he isn't a kid. He is an adult spirit. He is doing the Lord's work right now. I am sure he loves to do it. But don't we all wish we were a carefree kid again?

Sorry that kind of went off on a tangent. Can you tell I have been reading about the spirit world?

Kooper,

I just wanted to express to you how much I miss you! How much you have changed my life, for the good. I wish you were here to play with Kade. He misses you too. I show Kamryn your picture often and tell her about you. Your Dad and I talk about you often and I still wish I could just scoop you up in my arms. You would get to go to nursery next Sunday (that's crazy for me to think about)!
Know that you are missed. Know that you are loved. Visit when you can! I love you to infinity!

Love Mommy