Tonight I really wanted to bake something sweet. I had some brown bananas and it reminded me of when I used to nanny for a little girl named Carly. Her mom made the yummiest banana chocolate chip muffins. I got the recipe from her once and then lost it. They were the best. So I searched the Internet for an easy recipe and got to work. Kade volunteered to help by pouring all the ingredients in and helping me mix it together. The recipe said it would make 12 muffins and after I filled the cups to their description I had plenty left. So I filled the cups almost to the top! They turned out pretty good. Not as good as Carly's Mom's recipe. I will have to try and get it from her again.
While I was making the muffins I heard the rain. I love it when it rains....usually. I loved it when it was raining earlier today. It stopped for a while and I didn't realize that it had started up again. It got me thinking of Kooper. Of that night, that night that feels alot like tonight does. Ryan is at work right now and I am home with the kids.
That afternoon and evening there was a big monsoon storm. Ryan stayed at work a little late since he only had a few work days before I was going to be induced and he would be taking some time off to help with the baby. He was also hoping it would be a "typical" AZ rainstorm, where it rains and then minutes later it has stopped. It never really did. He still ended up getting soaked running out to his car. I remember waiting for him to get home hearing the rain outside. All these feelings are just flooding back to me. I remember the drive to the hospital. I made Ryan stay home with Kade since he was asleep and it was nearly midnight. No more rain but the roads still pretty wet. Praying and hoping to feel my baby start kicking. Praying that he would stop playing this game of stillness and just start flipping around like normal. Telling myself that everything is going to be fine. Thinking I felt a little movement and contemplating turning around to go back home, but I wasn't positive that I felt him move for sure. Plus I was hoping to get checked and be admitted because I was dilated so far that they couldn't let me go back home. I had that small ounce of hope that I wasn't feeling him move because I was supposed to go in and get checked and I would be so dilated that they needed to keep me and I would be having my baby boy. I remember praying everyday that week that I would just go into labor. That if he was ready to come out then he would.
Not only were my hopes and dreams crushed that night but so was my heart. I can still feel that immense physical pain sometimes. Especially when I am having a night like tonight. I want him so badly. I want to see his smiling face.
As I tucked Kade in his bed tonight Kamryn was laying by him and he really wanted her to sleep in his room that night. It made me think that he would have a brother here to do that with. To share his room giggle with each other as they tried to fall asleep. I miss him so much. Many times I get so busy that I don't ponder as much on the horrible feelings of what happened. I usually think of him and I miss him but I still feel happy and can continue on, tonight was different. Tonight I just kept thinking about him even as I was busy cleaning and caring for Kade and Kamryn I couldn't stop thinking about him, which isn't a bad thing but I kept thinking about that night and it just made me sad. I don't have many days where I just feel sad and can't bring myself to be happy or to think of the good things. To think about the positive things. To think of what a wonderful place he is in, and how he has changed my life and so many others for the better. I just have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that yearns to be with him. I am glad Ryan will be home soon, to comfort me and tell me he misses him too, and to let me cry on his shoulder and give me a nice big hug.
I miss you Kooper. Mommy loves you soo very much! XOXOXO