Big and Blah! - 20 weeks!

Today I am feeling....big and blah. Now that Kade and Kamryn are getting over their colds I guess it is my turn. I must of contracted it being the comforter to their crying form ear infections or coughs and wiping their little runny noses. But they are worth it. I am all congested and my head feels huge! Not only that in the past week or so I feel like I have ballooned. I am starting to look pregnant and I am feeling the baby kicking all the time. I am 20 weeks pregnant now. Only 17 weeks to go! Well that's the plan for now. Hopefully this cold goes as fast as it came and I can get on with being a happy and healthy Mommy.

So I had Ryan take my picture tonight of my belly. I decided to wear the same shirt that he took of my 20 week pregnant belly with Kamryn. Here is the comparison.

I can't beleive a made it a whole month posting every day. 1 down 11 to go!

Please Vote

The TV show The Doctors are letting you vote for a topic to be discussed on the show. Stillbirth is such a taboo topic. Doctors don't talk about it much, (I bet if you asked they would) but most pregnant women don't think to even ask because it seems like something that used to happen. It still happens. I think it would be a great topic to put out there in the public and help make more pregnant women aware of the possibilities. All you do is go to the website http://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/idea_comment/3963 , you do have to create an account to vote, but please do! I knew that stillbirth was fairly common 1/100 and have met many women who have experienced a loss like mine, but it is when you click on the site you can see comments below and almost everyone of them say that it happened to them and most of them as I did, had no clue that it was that common or that it could happen to them. I hope they pick that topic because I would love to see what information they might say about that topic.

Spread the word!

Thanks!

Don't get mad....get glad!

Earlier today Kade got in trouble and I yelled at him. He kept saying, "Don't get mad Mom!"

Fast forward to later tonight, we were watching TV and the Glad trash bag commercial came on. Kade says, "See Mom, Don't get mad, get glad!"

Sometime kids are so cute....then he tried to get me to stay longer by asking if I would read him scriptures.

4 years

Today at Target the cashier notices Kade making Kamryn laugh and then asked how far apart they are. I told her 4 years and her reply was "Oh" using a tone like she was surprised. The way I took it was that she thought I waited too long and had them too far apart. If only she knew. If only she knew that there was a sweet little Angel between them. It wasn't the time or the place. When it is appropriate I tell people as much as possible about my precious little boy. One night at work I felt comfortable talking to my patient. She was older and friendly. She was asking about my kids and I told her about all of them. She too had a stillborn little boy only she had to carry him for weeks after he had passed. The doctors told her that her body would naturally go in to labor.

We pass people on the street everyday, we don't know there situation and it is amazing when people open their shell and tell us about their experience and how much we can actually relate to a strangers trial. I would have never guessed that my patient had experienced something similar, although her experience was much different because they handled it so differently 30 years ago, but the heartache is still the same.

Sometimes I wish people just knew about Kooper, but then maybe no one would want to talk to me. Or they mighte not want to bring up how many children I have, or ask questions that might bring up Kooper because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Ultrasound

So the ultrasound this morning went well. I have been having fears and have been a little worried but after this level II ultrasound where it is a little more in depth then your normal 20 week ultrasound everything looks GREAT! I was a little worried, thinking something could possibly wrong, because I have learned that just because something goes wrong once doesn't mean you could be thrown a different curve ball. I came across a blog of a mother who had 2 healthy boys and then had a stillborn little boy at 7 months pregnant and when she got pregnant again her 4th little boy had serious heart problems and has already had to undergo an open heart surgery and soon will undergo another one. Because no one really talks about the fact that your baby could actually die and me being naive thought it could never happen to me, but you never know. So maybe that makes me a pessimist, but I felt a little betrayed when my baby died at 38 weeks. You think once you reach 30 weeks that everything is going to be fine...even 28 things could still be fine, rough but fine.

So things are great. The placenta is right where Kamryn's was and I think God knows that for me to be not as crazy paranoid as I would have been that it needed to be there. Kamryn's placenta was in the front of my uterus and I don't know exactly where Kade and Kooper's was, but not there. So I am thankful for that. I talked with one of the perinatologist after and she let me know that I will be taken care of just as I had been with Kamryn. She said the chance of having another cord accident is so unlikely but she didn't want to be the doctor to say that and not have me watched closely and then have it happen again. She was really nice.

He was moving like crazy in there. He is measuring 6 days bigger, but I am not surprised since at my first ultrasound they moved my due date back based on it. I am sure it will stay the same, but that's fine with me.

I am feeling pretty good about things and am just so happy that everything looks good.Here are a few shots of our little guy. We also got a reconfirmation that he definately is a he!

This one is a profile view and he has his hand resting on his forehead.

Here is his hand. At one point he was just doing the thumbs up!

Random thoughts on "the baby"

Today I was telling Kade that tomorrow we get to go see the baby. I am having my "20 week" ultrasound. I will be 20 weeks in only a couple days. Wow it's already gone by so fast. I am already more than halfway done since I know I will be induced. Kade is excited to see the baby on the ultrasound. He went over to Kamryn and started baby talking to her saying." Do you want to see the baby?" and he asked her that over and over. I think it's the first time I have ever really thought that she won't be the baby. Of course I thought of her as already being a big sister so soon. Kade was our baby until he was just too big to call a baby although he will always be my baby. It's just funny to think about that for the first time. At 11 months old she will no longer be the baby.

Kade then pointed out that I have three babies, Kooper, Kamryn and the one in my tummy! He is a funny boy. We still haven't completely decided on a name yet. We are leaning towards using both of them. Ryan even considered waiting until he was born to decide for sure, but honestly I hate referring to him as anything but a name. I don't really know what my deal is. I just want him to have a name. Last night I dreamt that we used the name I like, Krue. But I think it will probably end up being Keegan Krue Perry. Then he can go by whatever he wants, or we can call him whatever seems to fit better. Ryan thinks its funny because if you say the first and middle name together fast it sounds German, especially if you are using a German accent. I don't know, guess we will continue the discussion and one day agree completely on something.

One reason I like Krue over Keegan is that Krue sounds more masculine to me. Also I don't want anyone shortening his name and calling him Keeg. I have never been one to shorten names or use nicknames. I call my older sister BreeAnn, rarely do I call her Bree. I never shorten Kamryn's name. You can't shorten Kade's. Anyways I just like Krue and that's that, but Krue Keegan Perry doesn't sound as good.

I am a little nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes and post some pics.

Hopefully I will get to bed early. I didn't get much sleep last night and tomorrow is an early morning (at least for me).

Just now I decided that I am not going to put up a poll but you can tell me (leave a comment) what name you like better....haha I don't want it to be anonymous! If you don't like either name you can leave a suggestion for a name you do like, but remember it has to start with a K!

Kaiya

Introducing my newest niece Kaiya! She was born on 1/24/10.

Congrats Brian and Jeni!

The littlest things that just melt your heart!

This is just so cute! I found it posted on FB and on a friend's blog. I just couldn't help posting it because it is just so cute and it made me cry! Why? I am wondering the same thing. Was it because I am pregnant? Was it because I am a Mom? Or was it because I am a Mom who when I see a baby especially at birth and in the first year I think about those moments I missed with Kooper? Probably a little of all three, but I think I cried mostly because I am a Mom and babies/kids are one of God's greatest gifts and are just the cutest things ever! Gosh this is the third "happy/heart melting" cry today. The first one was when I watched the same State Farm commercial that I have seen a thousand times when the Mom returns home from being at War and embraces her son. The second was when I opened a package from my sister-in-law Jeni to see a cute little Monkey outfit for the little bean growing inside me. Kind of embarrassing, will it ever stop?

The Last Song - Book Review sort of

So I just finished the book The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. I loved it! You don't even realize where the title of the book comes until almost the last chapter. It was really a great book. I had a hard time getting into the book for the first few chapters, but once I started reading I was hooked and finished within a few days. I love those kind of books, but why do they always have to be sad too? All of my favorite books about love or family end up being sad! I want to read Dear John next. I am excited to see the movie The Last Song with Miley Cyrus playing the main character Ronnie. It comes out on April 2nd, a few days before my birthday, guess you know what I will be doing for my birthday!
I love to compare the books to the movies. The book always wins but it's still fun. The part I don't like is that Ryan won't read these books, nor does he have time so when we watch the movie I am always wanting to add my two sense and tell him what was going on that they didn't really portray in the movie. I am so bad at that! I think Ryan likes it though. Then again he always is trying to ask me questions that will be answered if he will wait a few minutes... Hopefully I will get a babysitter lined up so we can actually go out on a date and see the movie in the theater.

I give this book 5 stars!

Arizona Musuem for Youth

Last Saturday I took the kids to meet my friend Jenna and her kids at the Arizona Museum for Youth. They had a good time. Kade isn't much of an "artist" so he enjoyed the play areas the most. He isn't a big fan of coloring or drawing...never has been. Here are a few pictures from the day.

Kamryn (she fell right after the picture and bumped her head...I know I'm a horrible Mom!

Cute little SJ!

Best buddies Sumner and Kade

Kamryn was pooped! While the kids were screaming having a blast she just slept peacefully!

Service

I have been thinking alot about those little Haitian orphans ever since watching a video that was sent to me in my email and it made me think about the kids all over the world without families, without a Mommy and a Daddy and it just breaks my heart. I just don't understand with all the people out there that would do anything to have a child of their own, why there are so many that go without? I know it's expensive but there has got to be something that can be done about it. I watched a video that was sent to me about these kids in a Haitian Orphanage and a ward from Utah in the LDS church donated all these blankets and clothes to them, the joy that a simple blanket brought to their face! I thought. "I want to adopt one of those kids!" I think if Ryan and I do have more kids it will be in the form of adoption. Although I do love to be pregnant (sometimes) actually I forgot what it feels like not to be pregnant, I could only imagine the joy of helping a child who has nothing, who all they dream about is having a Mommy and Daddy and brothers and sisters and a place to call their home. It has to be just as close if not better than carrying and giving birth to a child.

I just wanted to share the video with all of you. Grab some tissues. I sat crying like a baby while watching this!

What a day - updated....

So it's been raining for I don't know how long but all day so far. When I woke up at 3am because Kamryn was crying I heard the rain pounding down. Then when Kade woke up at 3:45 complaining that his ear hurt and that he couldn't hear it was still raining. It was horrible because he was just tossing and turning and finally at 4:30 I took him out to watch a movie because neither of us were getting any sleep. We ended up back in his bed by 6am and luckily he slept until almost 10! When he woke up he said his ears didn't hurt. I was calling the doctor anyway. I wasn't going through another night like that. When we got there sure enough he had an ear infection. I explained to the doctor how my son will not take medicine we hold him down and force it in his mouth and he spits it back out. So taking antibiotics for 7 days??? Yeah right! So she suggested a shot. I gave Kade the choice of a shot or medicine. He chose neither. He just cried and cried so I decided. I went with the shot and am so so so so so glad that I did.

So the doctor left and went to order the shot and have one of the nurses get it ready. While she was gone Kade and I talked about the shot and he then said he wanted medicine. I knew the medicine wasn't going to work out and I was pretty sure they had already got the shot already so we still went with it. Well Kade had a HUGE fit and screamed and kicked and I was trying to hold him down and the nurse turns to me and says, "I'm going to go get someone else because I know your pregnant and I don't want him to hurt you."

Okay right then and there what I wanted to say a few things. Number 1: I'm not pregnant. (even though I am but I wanted to make her feel like crap because I do have a little belly coming along but I see alot of girls that look alot like me and I'm pretty sure they aren't pregnant) Plus it is a rule unless you know for sure (which how in the heck would she have known. I haven't told anyone in that office) or it is VERY apparent you don't say something about someone being pregnant. Granted she was right, but still! There was a good chance I just still have baby weight from Kamryn. And number 2: I would know better than anyone if my son was going to hurt me.

Anyways all I'm saying is that lady either is psychic or has a lot of guts to tell someone she knows they are pregnant.

Back on the subject. I am glad I went with the shot. If I could pick for all of my kids I think I would go with the shot! It's 1 shot and I don't have to worry about going to the pharmacy wait a half hour or longer and then forgetting to give it to him or having to hold him down twice a day to force 2 teaspoons of nastiness in his mouth and hope he doesn't spit it in my face. I love the shot....of course it wasn't me getting a shot in my rear end, but honestly now that it's over he doesn't care and I don't have to fight with him!

One more thing...never had a doctor request this one before. She wants me to bring Kade back for a follow-up in two weeks to see if his ear infection cleared up....I didn't schedule anything because in the past four years they have never requested that....and if his ear still hurts and he has a fever of course there is a problem and I will bring him back, probably sooner than two weeks. I think that she just wants more money....some doctors. Please tell me if I'm wrong but that is what is sounds like to me.

Kade is worried that he wouldn't be able to go cuckie (his word for poop) with a bandaid on his rear end. When I took the bandaid off he exclaimed, "I can go cuckie now!" He was also worried that he wasn't going to be able to play with his friends because he couldn't run or walk fast enough. Well when the bandaid came off he walked super fast around the room and said, "I can walk fast like Dash (from the Incredibles)!"
All is well with the shots tonight!

Rain is still going at it and my muddy dirt backyard and our front walkway to our house are flooded...oh well at least it's not coming in the house. Hopefully one day we will be able to finish the backyard. Off to wash bottles....

Have a great RAINY day!

Sunglasses

This morning I was woke up to Kade talking to Kamryn in her room. At first I thought he was in my room but when I looked over he wasn't there and then I heard Kamryn laugh and babble back. It was cute to listen to them just playing together. I waited a few minutes and then decided to see what was going on. As I got up and went to Kamryn's room I noticed Kade had very nicely dumped all the clean and folded clothes out of our laundry basket so he could stand on it to be high enough to see her in her crib. This is what I saw when I walked in the room.

Rain, Rain go away.....come back during the day

Tonight I really wanted to bake something sweet. I had some brown bananas and it reminded me of when I used to nanny for a little girl named Carly. Her mom made the yummiest banana chocolate chip muffins. I got the recipe from her once and then lost it. They were the best. So I searched the Internet for an easy recipe and got to work. Kade volunteered to help by pouring all the ingredients in and helping me mix it together. The recipe said it would make 12 muffins and after I filled the cups to their description I had plenty left. So I filled the cups almost to the top! They turned out pretty good. Not as good as Carly's Mom's recipe. I will have to try and get it from her again.

While I was making the muffins I heard the rain. I love it when it rains....usually. I loved it when it was raining earlier today. It stopped for a while and I didn't realize that it had started up again. It got me thinking of Kooper. Of that night, that night that feels alot like tonight does. Ryan is at work right now and I am home with the kids.

That afternoon and evening there was a big monsoon storm. Ryan stayed at work a little late since he only had a few work days before I was going to be induced and he would be taking some time off to help with the baby. He was also hoping it would be a "typical" AZ rainstorm, where it rains and then minutes later it has stopped. It never really did. He still ended up getting soaked running out to his car. I remember waiting for him to get home hearing the rain outside. All these feelings are just flooding back to me. I remember the drive to the hospital. I made Ryan stay home with Kade since he was asleep and it was nearly midnight. No more rain but the roads still pretty wet. Praying and hoping to feel my baby start kicking. Praying that he would stop playing this game of stillness and just start flipping around like normal. Telling myself that everything is going to be fine. Thinking I felt a little movement and contemplating turning around to go back home, but I wasn't positive that I felt him move for sure. Plus I was hoping to get checked and be admitted because I was dilated so far that they couldn't let me go back home. I had that small ounce of hope that I wasn't feeling him move because I was supposed to go in and get checked and I would be so dilated that they needed to keep me and I would be having my baby boy. I remember praying everyday that week that I would just go into labor. That if he was ready to come out then he would.

Not only were my hopes and dreams crushed that night but so was my heart. I can still feel that immense physical pain sometimes. Especially when I am having a night like tonight. I want him so badly. I want to see his smiling face.

As I tucked Kade in his bed tonight Kamryn was laying by him and he really wanted her to sleep in his room that night. It made me think that he would have a brother here to do that with. To share his room giggle with each other as they tried to fall asleep. I miss him so much. Many times I get so busy that I don't ponder as much on the horrible feelings of what happened. I usually think of him and I miss him but I still feel happy and can continue on, tonight was different. Tonight I just kept thinking about him even as I was busy cleaning and caring for Kade and Kamryn I couldn't stop thinking about him, which isn't a bad thing but I kept thinking about that night and it just made me sad. I don't have many days where I just feel sad and can't bring myself to be happy or to think of the good things. To think about the positive things. To think of what a wonderful place he is in, and how he has changed my life and so many others for the better. I just have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that yearns to be with him. I am glad Ryan will be home soon, to comfort me and tell me he misses him too, and to let me cry on his shoulder and give me a nice big hug.

I miss you Kooper. Mommy loves you soo very much! XOXOXO

The Real Me!

So I found this blog challenge on a couple of fellow bloggers blogs and I decided to do it. How real are you on your blog? Well if you look back on the things I blog about like your child almost starting the house on fire, or the horrible word/name that your child picked up from you. Those are not things people want to reveal. I pretty much put it all out there. There are some things I don't blog about, like when my husband makes me mad or when a friend or co-worker or someone I know really bothers me, only because I know that it would hurt their feelings. There was a time that I called someone out on my blog, I didn't know them personally. Didn't even know if they read my blog. But it was something I truly believed in and stood up for.

This blog is for me. It is for my journaling of our life and to share what we are doing with our family that is spread across the US. It's also for angel mommy's out there that just want to read about other moms that have lost a baby, but mostly so that I can look back on the memories. And just in case I never scrapbook again (it's been a very long time). I have this to look back on!

Part 1
The first part of the assignment is to post a picture of yourself without make-up. Not a hard thing for me to find! Half the time I don't have enough make-up on to hide a zit or any blemishes. Many times you will find me without mascara...the truth is that I hate removing it at the end of the day. I am that lazy which leads to the second part of the assignment.

So I went this with one because honestly I couldn't find a picture that I don't have any makeup on. I found some that people would guess I didn't have make-up on but I actually did. So this is the last picture I have of me without makeup on.

Part 2

Revealing your true self, the things most people wouldn't put on their blog. Like I am lazy. I hate to clean although it drives me nuts to have a dirty house I have no problem taking a nap or going to bed with it a mess. I would rather blog, or read a good book, or find an excuse not to. For example right now I really need to fix lunch, do the dishes, and do some house cleaning, but I am blogging! The one thing that keeps me cleaning though is my very slightly OCD husband (I know, it's not about him, this is about me.) who must have the counter tops clear and clean!

If you dropped by my house without any notification or anytime right before Ryan is expected to come home you will find my counter tops dirty, toys scattered across the living room and random toys throughout the house. Piles of folded clothes on the couch because I am too lazy to actually put them away. Unorganized drawers and cupboards, and me without make-up in sweats. Yes, it's true. I only get dressed in Regular clothes and put on make-up to leave the house. As soon as I get home on goes my comfy pants. Especially being pregnant for the past 3 years this has become a habit, because comfy pants are a must if you are sitting at home. Also why dirty a pair of pants cleaning or watching TV or to have a baby spit up all over you or a child rub their orange cheetoed fingers on your shirt?

The funny thing is although that is the way I am....(lazy), I love to dress nicely and go out with my husband or friends. I love it when they house is clean and everything is neat and tidy and organized. I love to organize things. But the truth and the fact of the matter is, I'm lazy or would rather do something else.

Other things might be the fact that I cry pretty much every day. Sometimes it is over the sappy insurance commercial or sometimes it is over nothing. I am so emotional all the time. The littlest things bring back a memory or just hit me in a certain way that makes me miss Kooper. My sister Bree mentioned to me when she gave me the game Argue for Christmas that I have an opinion on everything. I never realized it until she said it, but I guess I do. So to everybody out there who thinks I am shy and quiet, although I am, if I know you well I will tell you my opinion on anything and everything.

That's the real me. I am working on the laziness part. It is truly a struggle for me. But I am working on it. Let me know if you have any tips!

Part 3
I am adding this to the end of the challenge. Go ahead ask me anything, any question(s) you want. You can even e-mail it to me. I will make a new post with all the questions and I will give you my REAL answer. I will only hold back if I know it will truly hurt someone.

I love being a mom - Random thoughts

Ok so I started this post when I got home from work this morning.

I just got home from work. I had a longer drive than usual because the lab I normally work at is being remodeled. It was kind of nice because there was a Dunkin' Donuts by the lab I was at last night so on my way home I got a maple donut....YUM! As I was driving and enjoying my donut these thoughts rambled through my head and for some reason I felt the urge to blog about them.

So to start off with, I don't, I mean I hate to drive in the dark. I feel like people can't see me. Like they are all half asleep and are going to start driving into my lane. Or I feel like an animal is going to jump out and I am going to hit it. Anyways so as I was thinking about all these crazy drivers I started to have morbid thoughts. What if I died? And all those other questions that go along with that like, What would Ryan do? How would my kids react? How could they grow up without a mother? And on and on and on. Just horrible things you don't want to think about.

These thoughts made me think about how much I love my kids and how much I LOVE to be a MOM! I love to feel needed and wanted, almost like the whole world could come crashing down if I wasn't there to save the day. Sometimes there are days where I ask myself, What am I doing? I feel like a horrible mom. I don't have the patience I need to have. I don't pay attention to them as much as I should. I am annoyed and yell at them. I feel inadequate. I feel like I can't do anything right (like when I made lasagna last night and it turned out HORRIBLE) or I don't have the motivation. But then I think I don't know where I would be without them. If Ryan and I didn't have kids and could do whatever whenever. Or what if we waited a little longer to have kids? I thought about it and I wouldn't have it any other way. It made me realize how much they mean to me and how important they are. Of course I do know that they are everything to me and soo very important. But sometimes I let life get to me and I have a bad day and just forget that very thing that I already know. That they will still love and forgive me through my faults and that I am their Mommy!

I love them to pieces. They are so cute and bring such joy and happiness to our family. I love being a Mom!

Kamryn 7 months

7 months already? She is growing up too fast!




Kamryn is now holding her bottle! Well when she wants to and isn't half asleep! She has a little bug friend that she loves. When she hasn't seen her in a while and I bring it to her she reaches for it and then it keeps her entertained for quite a while.
This little bug helps me get alot done or saves my sanity sometimes!

Asleep in the shopping cart sideways with her bug!

This is what she did to her bug while I mopped for an hour!

She has become a tummy sleeper. I am very surprised because she hated her stomach. Also since she has such bad reflux she couldn't lay on her stomach after eating and that is usually when she slept the most. She would roll to her tummy and then end up spitting up and rubbing her little face in it. Once she inhaled her spit-up up her nose! Yuck! Her tummy problems seem to be fine now. She spits up a little but not that often. About a week ago she couldn't stand to sleep on her back with no head support. She would just roll over and I would go in there and try and get her to lay her head to the side but she would just push her body up with her arms and scream! One night I heard her starting to fuss in her crib and I went in and she was on her tummy so I gently moved her head to the side and she rested it down and fell back asleep. I put her down on her back and every time I check on her she is on her tummy! I never thought it would happen! She is sleeping pretty well. She goes about 7 hours and then wakes up to eat. Pretty soon I think I will try and skip that feeding. But I think I do it more for myself than her. I figure if I feed her now then she might sleep in longer!

She is wearing 6-12 or 9-12 month clothing. She reaches for anything that is within reach, especially food. So we gotta really watch what is around us when we hold her. I know that aren't really words but she loves to say Mamamamamama and babababababa. I like to think that she is calling for me! She likes to put everything in her mouth. This morning I had a pile of my folded clothes laying on the floor and she rolled over, grabbed my shirt and started chewing on it! She loves attention. If she is in her jumper she jumps like crazy when you are there and as soon as you turn your back or walk away she cries. She wants people food and isn't too keen on baby food. I keep trying though! She has a weird way to get around. When she is on her back she does this work crawl. She arches her back so her head is looking up and then pushed with her feet and worms her way around. It's WEIRD! Kade didn't ever do anything like that. He was more of a tummy guy. I think she is getting alot better with being on her tummy. She is pushing herself up alot better and reaching for things she wants. Eventually she rolls back to her back, but I think she is getting better!

She is such a joy to have in our family. She makes us all smile and her laugh is adorable! Everyone is always commenting her on her beautiful blue eyes. She didn't get those from me!

Look alike?

This is going to be a quick one. I am super tired and 8am church comes way to fast!

Kade and Ryan.....look alike just a little bit???? I took this picture of Kade the other day and it made me think of this picture of Ryan from when he was a kid.

George

Let me introduce you to George. George is a Mii character on the Wii. George didn't start out being George. His real name is a mixture of letters and numbers. Kade made the Mii from an exisiting one just edited a few things. While making changes to this guy he showed Ryan. Ryan's immediate reaction was, "He looks like a pedophile!" Probably not the best choice of words to say in front of a four year old because they hear an interesting word and then that's their favorite word. So after Kade heard the word pedophile that is what he started calling the Mii. Every time we played a Wii game he would said, "I want to be pedophile!" I think he wanted to be him more because sometimes is made us laugh when he would say the word.

I didn't really think there was a big problem with it. I was a little worried he might end up calling some random person that name. We started kind of correcting him and to get him to call him another name. But it really didn't come up that often. We were really lucky that he didn't see a strange looking man in the store resembling his Mii character and then Kade saying loudly, "It's pedophile!" and then point at him. I would have just died!

So Ryan was telling someone at work what Kade was saying and this person told Ryan that we need to give Pedophile a new name, like George. So that night Ryan came home and we gave him the name George (no offence to anyone named George). Ryan wanted to test Kade out and kept asking Kade, "Who is that?" Kade would say George, but Ryan wanted him to point out who George was because there were other Mii characters up on the screen. So he said, "Which one is George?" and Kade replied, "Pedophile." I am glad that George has a new name now! He isn't as interested in being George anymore. He likes to be his own Mii character.

Reflections

So I stole this from Jessica's blog who stole it from someone elses blog. I thought it was a cool idea and it kind of makes you look back on the past decade and all the events that happen in your life. So here is a little timeline of the last decade for me.

2000-2009

Went to the ocean (Oregon Coast) for the first time EVER!

Got my driver's license.

Ryan left for Arizona.

I went on a few dates with someone other than Ryan.

We decided that dating others wasn't what we wanted and began a long distance relationship.

Finished High School a semester early!

Got engaged to Ryan.

Got a half tuition scholarship to the Art Institute of Phoenix.

Graduated from High School.

Got married to Ryan!

Moved to AZ.

Started school at the Art Institute in Interior Design.

Decided after a semester that it wasn't the best field to go into considering the economic outlook.

Got Pregnant.

Gave birth to my first son Kade.

Went on a trip to Washington for a friends wedding. (first trip for me to Washington.)

Started school to be a Respiratory Therapist.

Moved to our first home.

Got pregnant again!

Graduated from school in Respiratory Therapy.

Gave birth to my second son, Kooper and days later had to bury my sweet little baby.

Got my first Respiratory Therapy job as a sleep tech.

Got Pregnant again!

Gave birth to my only daughter Kamryn.

My family dog growing up died.

Got pregnant yet again! (wow do I see a trend going on here???)

And here we are 2010. I am sure I missed a few things. I hope to not have so many babies in the next decade and have lots of fun and adventures with my family!

Kicking

This morning I felt the baby move for the first time! Every once in a while I would think, I wonder if I can feel the baby move yet? and I would kind of rest my hand on my tummy and nothing or I would be interrupted. I even tried last night, nothing. So this morning as I started to wake up I rested my hand on my tummy and it was so quiet and dark and I felt some little kicking going on! I am definitely sure it wasn't gas bubbles! It is such an amazing feeling and my favorite part about being pregnant. It is what I miss the most after I have a baby. One of the only things I miss besides the excuse to have a belly! I think I am going to feel even better after we get our 20 week ultrasound. Where they check the baby out and make sure everything is looking good. It will be the first one he will have that actually checks out his body to make sure all his organs look good and he is measuring good.

Notice I haven't called him by a name yet?? It was funny because when Ryan got home from work last night. I told him everybody is asking for a name, since we always have names picked out before we know what the gender is. And Ryan immediately said, you mean Keegan's name. I just smiled. He knows I am not set on the name and that I prefer another name. He was pretty busy last night trying to catch up on work since he has been in a training class so last night we didn't get to discuss the "name issue". I am sure that conversation will come very soon. And I will let you know when we both agree on a name!

Looks like we will be having another.....

Unfortunately Ryan had to work this morning. When I scheduled my doctor's appointment last month I didn't think he was working. Luckily my doctors appointment was just before he had to be to work but that meant that I would have to wake the kids up and take them along. I was a little disappointed when we got put in the room with no ultrasound machine. I pretty much knew we wouldn't be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. But when the doctor came in to see me and asked if I knew yet. I told him no and that my ultrasound was scheduled for almost 2 weeks later. So he decided that he would have one of the ultrasound techs do a gender check. I was so glad I didn't have to ask!

A little leg.... I took pictures of the ultrasounds because I was being too lazy to scan them in! Sorry! The money shot picture kept uploading side ways even though I have it saved the correct way so sorry no money shot on the blog!

So we got called back shortly after and at first I thought I saw boy parts then I thought I saw no boy parts, but then when he paused to put in if it was a boy or girl, I saw boy parts and it's a BOY! Many of you were right. Ryan and my Mom were right! And so was the Chinese gender calendar.

As for the name...Ryan and I still disagree. I am sure he will get his way and I will get to pick the middle name. I agreed when we had Kamryn that if we have a boy we would name him Keegan but I am leaning towards other names....we'll see....

Ryan was so excited to find out it was a boy. I am just happy the baby is doing well. I am in a way happy that Kamryn is our only girl though. My little princess!

On the way home Kade said he thought it was a girl. But I remember when I first told him I was pregnant he wanted a brother!

18 months

It's hard to beleive that Kooper would be 18 months old today. It's weird how time passes us by. At times it feels like we are moving in slow motion and before we know it time has passed us by so quickly it's hard to believe. It's hard to imagine that I have been living with this heart ache for a year and a half. Although it isn't as bad as it once was it's still there. It feels like it was only days ago. In a way I don't want the time to pass on. I don't want to say 2 or 3 or 5 or 10 years ago my baby died. Then it has to be okay. I have to be over it in others eyes. I never will get over it. When others apologize for my loss I may say it's okay, because it's not their fault. It's not okay but it is what it is (Ryan hates that saying). I don't think that I have to be okay with Heavenly Father's plan for me all the time. But I will accept it. I will take what he gives me and just know that it is in my best interest. I will try and find the good in what has happened. I will try and look for a reason. I might come up with a few good ones of my own but I know that I will never truly know until I meet my Heavenly Father again. And I will understand. I am sure I will be grateful for his plan and know that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Who of us (Kooper and I) is making more of a sacrifice? He or I? I think he is. At time I think he has it so much easier. He gets to be in heaven. He doesn't have to be tested anymore. He doesn't have Satin trying to get him to do even the little things that can slowly get you to stray away. He doesn't have to wish he could see me. But what he did sacrifice is not being tested. Right now he is watching us and in a way I am sure wishing he could experience what we have but then on the other hand he has to watch us struggle through life and hope and pray that we will stay on the right path so that in the millennium we can be his parents and raise him and let him experience and learn the lessons of life, be a kid, play in the dirt, play cars. Because right now he is in the most beautiful place but he isn't a kid. He is an adult spirit. He is doing the Lord's work right now. I am sure he loves to do it. But don't we all wish we were a carefree kid again?

Sorry that kind of went off on a tangent. Can you tell I have been reading about the spirit world?

Kooper,

I just wanted to express to you how much I miss you! How much you have changed my life, for the good. I wish you were here to play with Kade. He misses you too. I show Kamryn your picture often and tell her about you. Your Dad and I talk about you often and I still wish I could just scoop you up in my arms. You would get to go to nursery next Sunday (that's crazy for me to think about)!
Know that you are missed. Know that you are loved. Visit when you can! I love you to infinity!

Love Mommy

POLL: Boy or Girl??

It's that time again! Although my official Ultrasound isn't for a couple more weeks I wanted to put the poll up (it's on the top right corner of my blog) for what you think the gender of this baby will be.

I have an appointment this week and my doctor has older ultrasound machines in his rooms and will almost always use them to just let you see your baby. So I am crossing my fingers that maybe we will be able to tell if it's a boy or girl! I was contemplating having it be a surprise, but anybody that knows Ryan or I, knows we are not patient at all. Plus I am pretty good at being able to see "the parts" on ultrasounds. So I would probably end up finding out anyways and then telling Ryan!

He is hoping for a boy. I am hoping for either but a girl would be better in my mind because we already have EVERYTHING and they can share a room! So it would be easier for a girl but I just want a happy, healthy baby!

Please, Please, Please leave a comment at what gender you guessed and the reason why you guessed it, if you have one!

A walk to the park

We have had a fun day today. It has been nice to just have a Saturday free and be able to spend it with Ryan and the kids. It was funny because we were at a strip mall and we went to Old Navy and Kade kept wanting to go to other stores but he REALLY wanted to go to TJMax. I don't know why, he has never been there but he was soooo excited to go. He pushed Kamryn around in the shopping cart and kept making her laugh. So after we went out and used some gift cards we got for Christmas we came home and went for a walk. The weather has been so nice. It was 68 earlier today and felt good outside with just a jacket on. Kade wanted to be a "tough guy" and refused to wear a jacket.

Here are some pictures I took with my phone because of course I didn't have my camera with me!

Notice the "poop bag" Ryan is swinging around!

Kade pushing Kamryn in the stroller. They both loved it. Kamryn just sat back and enjoyed the scenery!


Kamryn waiting patiently while Kade played on the playground at the park. I got her out and let Kade go down one of the smaller slides with her. I think I might start going outside more often, if the weather stays this nice. I didn't realize how good Kamryn was in the stroller.