Pain

Today after talking to a friend of mine who lost her sweet baby boy it brought back those memories of going places after having Kooper. The dreaded question, "When are you due?" or "Is it a boy or a girl?" The self consciousness of walking around with a round belly with no baby to show the reason why your belly still looks pregnant. Nobody knows you just had a baby. Not that I should care what people thought, but I am a girl...I care to some extent. You want to be nice, you don't want to see that look of sadness on their face if you have to tell them what happened.

I remember returning a couple outfits I bought for Kooper to the Children's place.  I originally told the guy that I didn't need them anymore. I don't remember exactly what he said but he kept bugging me to exchange or kept prying and I finally just told him. That shut him up and I could tell he felt bad. I felt bad too. 

As I drove home from her house I thought about those things and then my mind shifted to the physical pain that you have after having a baby.  Not only are you so sad and crushed and heartbroken but you have to deal with all those physical things that a baby brings.  Your milk comes in and it's only another reminder. Your body doesn't realize that there is no baby to feed.  The pain of afterbirth seems so much worse because you don't have a baby to tend to and worry about. Your priority isn't feeding,changing, and rocking your baby.  The focus is all on yourself and there is no distraction. Only heartache to add to the pain.   I was blessed in the fact that my body healed so fast. It had to. I was up and planning a funeral the following day. I was rushing to stores to buy suite, skirts, and picking out flowers, finding a plot for my sweet baby.

I have grown so much from two years ago. Sometimes I look back and am proud that I have made it, . I miss Kooper with all my heart and I look forward to having him in my arms again.