As I have now reached the 20 week mark alot goes through my head. I am so excited for this little guy to come but I get so nervous too. Now that we have reached this mark it reminds me that if anything were to go wrong that we would have to bury another baby. That I would have another hole in my heart. Especially as each day I feel him kicking more and more and getting stronger and stronger. I do have faith. I have to have faith in God's plan for our family. But it still lingers in the back of my head. Sometimes I worry that something might happen. I have a hard time buying things for him. Today at the mall as I looked at cute little boy outfits that I sooooo badly wanted to buy, even if someone handed me money and told me to shop for him I would probably do it, but part of me is scared to shop for him to buy more boy clothes. I still have a pile of clothes that were bought for Kooper. I am sure it will get easier, I mean I did it with Kamryn. I bought her lots of stuff. Although I did keep every receipt until she was born, but I think it's harder for me especially since he is a boy. I guess I am a little scared to plan too much. I was so ready for Kooper. Not one thing was left to buy or one thing was left to do before he came. I was just waiting. And then to hear that I wasn't bringing him home was devastating. The bassinet was all set up right by my bed. I don't think it came down until weeks later. I wouldn't change being prepared for him because now I have all these things that remind me of him, but I am still scared. I don't let it consume me. I am enjoying my pregnancy and love to feel him kick. I am taking it one day at a time. I am excited for him to join our family. I am excited to have another baby boy around the house. Kamryn needs all the protection she can get. What a lucky sister she will be to have 3 brothers looking out for her!
Which reminds me, today as I was watching the story of the Duggar family and the birth of their little premature baby girl Kade walked in and saw all those brothers and sisters standing around looking at their little sister. He thought it was a boy baby. He said, "I have a brother too, his name is Kooper!" This brought a smile to my face! I love that boy!
1 comment:
i was wondering how you were feeling {emotionally} with this pregnancy. i guess every pregnancy will have some fear associated with it?
i can totally understand why it would be hard to let your mind go there. it's hard to put your heart 100% in it when there's a possibility you won't come home with a baby again. it sounds like you're really trying to be fair about it, though.
one day at a time. probably for the rest of our lives.
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