Tuesday, September 14, 2010

This new years resolution is tough!

I am hitting a slump in my blogging progress. This New Years resolution has been hard. I struggle sometimes to find something to blog about. Don't get me wrong a lot of things are on my mind. I can tell my blog is getting boring especially since I struggle sometimes to figure out what I am going to blog about daily! I know it isn't full of excitement of expecting a new baby anymore, I am in a different place in my grief from Kooper's death. I haven't moved on from the tragedy that struck my little family, but I am now in a place where I have come to except it and my emotions aren't so strong one way or the other. Just the fact that I still miss my little boy more than ever. I am having a hard time describing the stage I am in with that. I don't have the emotional meltdowns I used to. I can make it through church without crying (most of the time). The hole in my heart is still there just smaller. I don't think that having more kids after losing one heals or replaces but it fills in part of that gaping hole that once felt like it was the size of at least half of my heart. It still hurts and I still feel the pain. Today is one of those days though that I am not holding it together completely. I feel like laying in bed and crying all night but I can't. I have a responsibility to my family. I already feel like I don't get to give Kamryn and Kade the attention they deserve. Keegan is taking up a lot of that time. I need to really try and focus on spending a little time alone with each kid more often. Keegan is such a Mama's boy that just wants to be held all the time! I love holding him but sometimes I just need to hold one of my other babies!

I have been super stressed about a lot of petty stupid things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of everything like,
I need to pack.
When are we going to move?
What color should I paint the walls?
Should we replace the carpets?
Do we have money to replace the carpets?
What colors will look good in case in the future I have enough money to redo the floors?
How are we going to find time to paint?
How are we going to find time to move?
We need to find an electric dryer.
I wish I had new couches since our loveseat is breaking.
How am I going to find time to do all these things when my life consists of holding Keegan, feeding Keegan, holding Kamryn, playing with Kamryn, changing diapers and finding time to play with Kade and make dinner and clean the house?
I guess not spending so much time on the computer!?

Anyhow sorry my post have been so boring lately. There is so much going through my head I don't have time to really think about much else and my bag of ideas is running dry! So if you have any requests or ideas or anything you want to know or for me to blog about please suggest them, I am in great need! Give me a topic, any topic!



sara and wade said...

ok, so i was just thinking right before i came to your blog: "i'm sure glad kami blogs everyday so i can catch up on her life, it feels like i haven't seen or chatted with her in ages..." i miss my friend. :) hope you bow making party was fun... and speaking of moving, i have a few more boxes for you if you want em! :) so exciting right?!

Shandi said...

You're moving? To Utah?! :)

amyraye said...

why are you moving?

what are 3 things most people don't know about you?

do you love working- or is it a drag to work when you have the little ones at home?

what are ten things you love about ryan?

what are your pet-peeves?

what are you thinking about right this very moment?

what does a "day in the life of kami" look like?

what is something you really appreciate about your childhood?

what is a favorite recipe and why?

how has losing kooper strengthened your testimony of the jesus christ?

how has losing kooper changed you?

**i keep a draft in live writer that has ideas in it. when i think of something i want to write about or expand on or something i have a lot of emotion or passion about, i write it in that draft and then revisit it when i need an idea or when i have time.

Lori said...

Your doing a great job, way better then me, and my goal was only 5 days a week. Some times I feel a bit over whelmed so nothing get's done. At least you get it down. Keep it up!