Good News!

So....I have some excited news that some of you may already know, but Ryan and I are expecting our 3rd little one on July 11th (due date is tentative!). Based on the ultrasound today I am not sure what due date we are going off of. When I first found out I was pregnant I went into the doctors and Dr. McKernan did a little Ultrasound on his old machines that he keeps in his rooms for fun. And I saw what looked to be a little grain of rice! I was only around 5 weeks pregnant. They took some blood to test all my levels and that fun stuff. Everything looked good, and Dr. Mckernan ordered an ultrasound for a few weeks later. When we went in for the ultrasound the tech said our due date looked to be July 11th based on the size and everything. It was a little shocker because at my earlier appt based on my last period I would be due July 2nd. It also was also a shocker because that is the day Kooper was born. I was a little happy because it felt like a tender mercy from the Lord telling me that everything would be alright. As soon as we told the ultrasound Tech she said, Oh, it actually looks like the 10th. I am pretty sure she changed it, thinking it was sad for us. Because she printed off ultrasounds for us that had both dates, the 10th and 11th.

So today we went in for an Ultrasound where they measure the nuchal fold at the neck and measure the nasal bone. They also drew my blood. The ultrasound is done to check for chromosomal defects. My doctor warned me not to get freaked out about anything they say, because anything they might think looks a little off could be wrong and that they don't diagnose anything. He said I didn't have to have it done if I didn't want to.


I figured that I would do it so I could see my little baby kicking around. A few weeks earlier at a previous appointment I got to see on the old U/S machine the baby kicking its legs. During this ultrasound the baby wasn't as active, but was moving around and his/her hands were up by his/her face.


I also was glad I was doing this because sometimes when I look back I felt like no one said there is a chance your baby could die, there is a chance your baby could wrap itself around it's lifeline and die. I felt like I was in a fantasy world and that it couldn't or wouldn't happen to me. I felt like Kooper was guaranteed especially after 36 weeks. No one said here is the risk. I know some may get freaked out about it, but I felt like I didn't know or maybe I just ignored it when I heard it. It may have only been 1%, but that 1% happened to me. So I figured I don't want any surprises. Of course it is all in God's hands but I want to be prepared.


Anyhow everything looks good. Ryan was a little freaked out but I am optimistic and our baby looks great for now!


Below is the ultrasound from earlier today!





So I am anywhere between 12 weeks 4 days and 13 weeks 5 days. The Tech today said I was measuring right in the middle. As of now, I have no idea what date my doctor is going off of. I will have to ask at my next appt.

Christmas Day!

Christmas Day was so much fun! It definitely was a WHITE Christmas! It snowed all day long and didn't seem to stop. Here are some pictures from our Christmas. We didn't get many on our camera, and I forgot to get the picture off my Mom's. Later that night we went to Marley and Me. Such a cute movie! Kade even sat through it! His first movie he didn't chicken out on because it was tooo dark! It was a blizzard on the way home. Even though our Mazda didn't have 4-wheel drive, we made it slipping and sliding down the roads. On the way back to Grandma and Grandpas we sang Happy Birthday to Jesus.

Kade playing Guitar HERO!

Kade playing his DS

Here are some pictures of all the snow!!!

Daion and Tasia


Look how deep the snow is!!!!!!!!

I had to throw CJ in a few times!

Kade and Tasia making snow angels.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

(This is a post I did while we were in Utah, but didn't have time to finish)

Kade thinks everyday is Christmas here in Utah at Grandma & Grandpa Williams house. He thinks just because there is snow that it must be Christmas. Last night Ryan and I came home from the mall while Kade hung out with Grandma. Instead of saying Santa Clause is coming he yells, "Jesus is coming!" He is so funny. He loves to sing Christmas songs like Jingle Bells, Once there was a Snowman, & Santa Clause is Coming to Town.

As soon as he saw the first sight of snow this Christmas he told me, "Mom, I want to make a snowballman!" I said, "Okay!"

Everytime he sees a picture of Jesus he likes to say, "It's baby Jesus!"

I love 3 year olds. They say the funniest things and tell the truth, because they don't really know yet how to lie, or lie good enough to where you actually beleive them.

They have magic in their eyes and are fascinated by the tiniest things.

Here are some pictures of Kade and his cousins Tasia and Daion with Grandpa having fun in the snow!

Kade and Tasia on the sled.

A tree for our little Angel

So Tuesday we drove down to Babyland and put Kooper's little tree up for him. I was really late on getting everything together so all the good stuff was gone at the stores. Next year will be better, I PROMISE. Then the wire we bought to stake the tree down didn't work out so well, because it had been so rainy that the ground was too soft. So we put it in his vase.

Kade just woke up from his nap and didn't want to be involved in the picture taking so we only got a picture of the tree.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Kooper's Tree

So last January I got a tree on clearance at Lowes for really cheap. Throughout the year when I thought of the tree I was trying to think of what the heck I was going to do with it. I already had a tree, but I wanted a bunch of Christmas trees in my house like my mom.

So after Kooper died and as it got closer to Christmas I figured I could make it Kooper's tree. I decided to decorate it in light blue, orange and white since those are the colors of Kooper's outfit that he wore. I took the letters of his name off the wall to hang on the tree. Jenna taught me how to make bows, I found this cute orange ribbon at hobby lobby and made TONS of bows. Here is the picture of his tree.




Kooper would have been 5 months old today. time has flown by so fast, It feels like yesterday that I was laying on the couch feeling him kick.

I love my husband!

Our engagement photo.

I just wanted to tell you Ryan that I love you. I am so lucky to have you as not only my husband but eternal companion. I feel like a horrible wife because all I do is sleep! My new work schedule sucks, but it will have to work for now. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate all you do, for Kade and I. For all the housework you've picked up on and having to take care of Kade alot more by yourself than you have been used to. You are such a great Dad and Husband.

Since Ryan and I have been married we haven't gotten many pictures of us taken together. So I thought I would share some from the past. Sweet memories!

Here is a picture from Ryan's senior prom in 2000.

He came up from Phoenix to be at my Senior Prom in 2003.

I have not posted picture from our wedding here before so here are some of my favorites. Ryan and I were married August 9, 2003. We were sealed for time and all eternity 2 years later in the Logan LDS temple.

Here is our beautiful wedding cake that my Aunt Pam made.

Some of the funny details of the wedding that I remember are how nervous Ryan was, that he would say the wrong thing. And how annoyed I was that we had to take so many pictures. And how we had to check in to the place we were staying by a certain time so on the way to our Reception/Dinner we had to stop and check in at the Anniversary Inn and I truely did wait out in the car and it seemed like forever. Well by the time we got to our recpetion/dinner everyone assumed that we had stopped "in" the room. Which was kind of embarassing, especially since we didn't. How as Ryan and I walked back down the isle after we were married my neice Tasia (flowergirl) and cousin Ryan (ringboy) kept trying to jump on the train of my dress.

Here are some of my favorite details: Our song that we walked back down the isle together as a married couple was, "When you say Nothing at All" played on the piano by someone my mom hired. And then my boquet was my favorite accessory. It was exactly how I pictured it. It had orange and pink ribbon laced down the long stems. I wish i had a picture!

That was one of the happiest days of my life. One that you wish you could relive every once in a while.

Anyways, Thank you Ryan. For making me smile and laugh for the last 9 years and being my sweet husband for the last 5! You truely are amazing, and I love you.

I miss you!

Kooper,

You're always on my mind and forever in my heart. I will always remember you and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

With lots of love! XOXOX

Your proud Mommy!

Being there for others.

So this morning I woke up at 4 am. Yes I know CRAZY, but my sleep schedule has been so off lately that it actually isn't that crazy for me.

Anyhow I woke up and couldn't get Kooper off my mind. I started thinking about what if, what if it happens again. I started to panic a little wondering if God would think I am strong enough to go through it again. Wondering if I could ever come out sane if it happened again. But he knows me better than myself. He has a plan and really there isn't much I could do about it to change it. He won't give me more than I can handle. He has blessed me so much. All I can do is thank him for all that I have.

So I started thinking about the things my doctor told me, how he would let me borrow a doppler next time and how I would have lots and lots of ultrasounds and go in for non-stress test almost weekly as I reached the end. This then reminded me of being pregnant with my best friend Jenna. How we both went into labor on July 3rd. Lucky her, she was dilated, poor me was sent home. I started thinking about the last ultrasound we had of our little guy on July 1st. Just replaying those last weeks of his life in my mind, of what I actually could remember.

I tried and tried to go back to sleep but I just kept getting this nagging feeling. So I decided that since I have slept soooo much lately and haven't checked my e-mail in who knows how long that I would do that.

This may sound weird, but ever since I lost Kooper every Sunday I look at the obituaries in my hometown newspaper. I did it before, but not as often as I do know. I realized that I actually hadn't looked in a while. Unfortunately there was an obituary of a little stillborn baby girl Olivia. As I read the obituary I saw something unexpected. The father of this little girl was a friend of mine when I was in elementary school who about a year ago contacted me and added me to his Myspace. I didn't really talk to him much, because well I hadn't really talked to him since Elementary school.

I sent him a message right away. Because I have had so many others be there for me. Who knew how I felt. And I wanted him to know that I was there for him and his significant other. I knew that there was a reason I couldn't get Kooper off my mind and it must have been that I needed to contact him.

I just want to say Thanks to everyone who has been there for me. For all the support and love that our family has felt. We really do appreciate it!

Just wanted to share...

I just wanted to share this blog post by a women I don't really know, I have just been stalking her blog since I found it. Her words have many times given me strength and remind me of who's in charge and thinking of the Eternal perspective, not the worldly perspective. But I understand. I feel the way she feels sometimes. She too lost her baby and knows how I feel. It is a really good post and if you have a minute, read it, it may make you want to start from the begining of her story. She has such a great strength.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/11/redeemed.html

So I haven't looked at my profile on Myspace in quite a while. I forgot what it even looked like, so today I went there and found a very true saying that I put up shortly after my older sister Bree was in a bad car accident almost 2 years ago. At the time we didn't really know what to expect out of it, as she was heavily sedated due to the swelling in her brain. Thankfully she is doing great and we are so glad she is still here and part of our lives!!

Anyhow this saying fits a lot of life's good and bad times. When I read it I think of Kooper and how much he has changed my life and those around me. I think of how it has made me the person I am today. Hopefully a better person.

There are moments in your life
that make you and set the course
of who you're going to be.
Sometimes they are little, subtle
moments. Sometimes they're big
moments you never saw coming.
No one asks for their life to
change, but it does. It's what
you do afterwards that counts.
That's when you find out who you are.

4 months ago...

I wish I could have posted this yesterday. But hey, better late than never.

My little monkey would have been 4 months old yesterday. I think about him and miss him every day. Last Saturday while my parents were visiting I took them to see Kooper's headstone in person. I thought I would post some pictures, since it shows his little pumpkin Kade picked out for him!

Yesterday before my parents went back to Utah, we went to Red Robin for lunch. Of course Kade had to have a balloon. I don't remember if he picked it or whoever grabbed it for him randomly grabbed a white balloon. As soon as we reached the doors he said, "I wanna let it go!" as soon as he took one step ousite the ribbon slid ride out of his hands and flew up to the sky. I asked him where his balloon was going. He said to Koopert (he alwasy adds a T to the end of his name, I don't know why). Kade loves his little brother so much. It is so strange how no matter how well or how much you know someone that such a bond can form between two brothers. He brings up his little brother often and I am so grateful for that. I want him to know and love his little brother and to remember him always. He loves to show new people that come to our home pictures of his little brother. He is so proud. Kade is such an example to us and we love him very much!

I know I have posted this picture before, but I don't have any other pictures of Kade and Kooper together. I love this picture!




Happy 4 month Birthday Kooper! We love and miss you so much!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Kade had a blast last night! He didn't do too much trick-or-treating, but enough to get way too much candy! He loved helping us pass out candy. We sat out in front of the garage and Kade got to see all the fun costumes. As each trick-or-treater thanked him, he always said, "You're welcome." He was so cute, acting all grown up.

He loved being Batman! Right before we went outsite he looked up at me, and said, "Mommy, Batman has to go potty!"

Scentsy Catalog Party & Open House!

I am having a catalog Scentsy party!! For anyone that hasn't heard of the Scentsy Candles they are GREAT!!! My sister in law Jeni started a home business as a Scenty consultant. Ryan and I ordered a Scenty warmer and some bars of scented wax and our house smells DELICIOUS.

I thought this would be a good time to have a catalog party because of the holiday season. They make great gifts! The warmers are very stylish too!

Here is the website www.scentsy.com/jenbabe to check out the online catalog or if you would like to place an order online. You can just click on PLACE AN ORDER, then select my name and you will be able to order from my catalog/basket party.

For those of you who live by me, I have 18 of the 80 plus scents at my house, and you can see how well the product works, because I just got my warmer in the mail! Tuesday, November 4th I am having an open house from 5-7. Feel free to come on over! If you don't know where I live e-mail me or leave me a comment and I will get you directions.

Here is a little bit about the Scentsy candle warmers that got me so interested in them.

• It is not warm enough to burn anyone if the wax spills




• There is no fire! (Kade can't constantly ask me if he can blow out the fire)




• There is no fire hazard




• The warmers are stylish




• You can change out the scents whenever you want, without having a bunch of candles everywhere, and finding a place to store them all.




• Once you have a warmer the bars of wax are cheap and last 80 plus hours!

I could go on and on. Let me know if you have any questions or would like to come over. I have catalogs and samples! I am going to try and get all my orders in by November 8th.

SaraJane's Baby Blessing

Jenna, SaraJane and I

A week ago Sunday I got the privelidge to go to my best friend Jenna's ward and watch her beautiful baby girl, SaraJane's aka Baby Jane (that is what Kade calls her) baby blessing. She was so beautiful in her pretty white dress! I got the opportunity to help Jenna pick it out and I even got to help her try it on.

I had to post this one too, because she has a half smile!

SaraJane holds a special place in my heart, because of the closeness Jenna and I had being pregnant at the same time. She is like a daughter to me. Her and Kooper were only due a few days apart and went through many milestones together. I am sure they were friends in heaven. As Jenna and I schemed to make our appointments on the same day, and meet for breakfast afterwards, went baby shopping and spent hours on the phone talking about the way we were feeling and what our babies were doing. I came to know SaraJane before the rest of the world met her. I talked to her a lot as Jenna talked to Kooper a lot too.

She has such a sweet spirit and is such a sweet baby. I love to look at her and see the milestones Kooper would be going through. She is a blessing to everyone she meets.

When Kade saw her he instantly wanted to hold her and told me she was a princess. He has a special place in his heart for Baby Jane. It is funny when he is around her always worrying when she cries and wanting to help feed her a bottle or just looking at how cute she is. He would be a great big brother to Kooper. He brings up Kooper a lot around Baby Jane. He doesn't fully understand where Kooper is, except for when we visit him it is where his headstone is and when we ask him where he is, he says he is with Heavenly Father and Jesus. That is good enough for me.

Just today while he was taking a bath he held up the octopus bath toy and said, "it's Kooper" and Ryan said, "no Kooper's not an octopus" and I had to remind Ryan that we got the bath toys as a shower gift to Kooper. And when Kade found them after Kooper died I told Kade they were Kooper's but he could have them.

Kade has a great memory of his little brother. He loves to go into Kooper's room and sit in the rocking chair. When he gets a new toy he always tells me that he will share it with Kooper. So even though Kooper's not here, Kade is a great big brother and enjoys getting all the practice he can on Baby Jane!

I am sad that I didn't get to pick out a blessing outfit for Kooper or get to watch his Daddy bless him. But Jenna helped pick out his burial outfit which was basically a blessing outfit. She shopped around everywhere with her mom looking for the perfect one. Sending me tons of pictures until we found it, so in a way I guess I did pick it out and it was perfect. He was so handsome! They would have made a cute little couple!

Poor Cricut!

I just have to say that I am soooo bummed. If anyone can help me please do. I have a Cricut di-cutting machine. I used it this afternoon 1 time and then I turned it off so Kade wouldn't mess with it. Went back to use it again and when I push the power button the button lights up but the main screen doesn't :(

So if anyone knows how to fix it please help! It is no longer under warranty and to be honest I haven't used it all that much lately.

So anyhow just wanted to complain!

UPDATE!!! I just called cricut and I am getting it replaced...YEAAAAAAH!!!! I hadn't used it in so long and was so worried it was going to cost a fortune to fix. But either it was under warranty still, or it was a defect that was covered!

I am happy now!

Scrapbooking...

Today I got to get out of the house and do some scrapbooking. I just wanted to share how cute Kade was when he was one! I miss him at that age, he couldn't talk very well so I didn't here any mean things come out of his mouth except for an occasional cry and the word No, but now when he says the word No, he means it and says it in a much ruder way! Oh the joys of boys!!! As much as he can drive me CRAZY, I love him so much and wouldn't change a thing about him!

First B-day

I have a confession...

For those of you who don't know I love to read. I have always loved to read especially mysteries and love stories! I love Mary Higgins Clark and Nicholas Sparks. When my younger sister Ashley came to visit this summer she was reading alot. I asked her what she was reading, I don't remember at the time which book it was but it was a Stephenie Meyer book from the Twilight series. I asked her what it was about, and she told me. Vampires?! I was definately uninterested. She kept telling me that it was really good. I had run into a few people who had asked if I had ever read the series (this was around the time that the fourth book would be coming out). Everyone I had talked to only said how great the books were. I never heard a bad comment on them.

When I frist started blogging and looking at others blogs I learned that lots of people loved this series. I had been looking for a good book, that I was sure to like. So I asked my sister to mail hers to me to read. She sent me the book about two weeks ago. I read the first few pages of the first chapter and I was totally not into it. I couldn't get past those first few pages knowing this book is about vampires. It seemed so stupid. How could this be any good. I hate fiction and sci-fi books and movies, how could I like this?

So Saturday I was so bored and really wanted to read, but was too lazy to go to the store or library. I grabbed the 500 page book and began. I figured I would read the first few chapters and then if I still wasn't interested I wouldn't waste my time.

I got a few chapters in and as I realized that the main character wasn't the vampire and that she was smart and didn't at the time really beleive in vampires I was hooked! The love story and the mystery in the begining of what and who Edward really was intrigued me. I feel kind of bad today because for most of the day I had ignored Kade and when Ryan got home from work I didn't pay much attention to him. I stopped every once in a while to eat and to pay a little attention to my family but I just couldn't put the book down. I had escaped into my own world and had some much needed "me time". By midnight I kept telling myself one more chapter, but the book just kept getting better and better! As I kept telling myself one more chapter I realized there were only a few chapters left. I finished the book and when I was done it was 2:38 am.

It has been a while since I had read a book. And I have to confess I am now on the Twilight bandwagon. I loved the book and can't wait to start the next one!

I figured every other person out there has posted their love for the book, why not me?

I realized that sometimes you have to give things you didn't think you were interested in a chance.

In Remembrance of Kooper

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

3 Months...

As October 11th comes and goes I think of how fast the past 3 months have flown by. I think of how Kooper would be outgrowing his cute outfits I had picked out and growing into the bigger ones. Especially the one that his Daddy picked out for him. The weather is changing and as Ryan, Kade and I put on our long sleeve shirts and pants tonight it reminded me of "the outfit" It has a story behind it and is still hanging in the closet. And yes that is the receipt behind it!

Soon after we found out we were having a boy. We went to Dillards and Ryan insisted that Kooper needed this outfit. I didn't want to spend $50.00 on an outfit that is going to get spit up on and ruined, and it really isn't worth $50.00. So one afternoon I talked Ryan into taking it back to Dillards. We get to Dillards and their system is down. You can't return or buy anything at that point. We decide we will walk around the mall and then come back. We went back a few hours later and the system is still down. Ryan has now convinced me that it is meant to be. Kooper needed that outfit for sure.

So the outfit still hangs in the closet. Waiting. I don't know what I will ever do with it. Maybe if we have a boy down the road he will get to wear it. But for now, I guess I will share it with all of you, because that may be the only time Ryan will get to show off "the outfit" he bought especially for his son, Kooper.

I miss him so much that I can't even describe it. Out of all the poems we have read or friends and family have shared with us, this is our favorite! Thanks Jenna for finding it.

If He Could Tell You…..

I’m sure if he could tell you, “Thank You,” he would. I’m sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.

I’m sure if he could, he’d tell you..he’s with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He’s all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He’s happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.

I’m sure if he could tell you, “Thank You,” he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.

He’s the light in your window, he’s the hope in your heart, he’s the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he’s watching over you both. If he could tell you. I know he would.

-Author Unknown

We love and miss you so much Kooper. Mommy and Daddy are proud of you!

Westgate

So today after we went to the cemetery we were on our way home and I saw the Westgate shopping center by the Cardinal's Football Stadium and told Ryan I thought we should go check it out. It is pretty cool. It will be nicer when they get more stores. We walked around and enjoyed the cooler weather that we have been blessed with this week. Unfortunatley the splash pad was closed so Kade didn't get to get wet!

Kooper's Headstone

the cemetery to see our sweet Kooper. I was a little disappointed that I didn't receive a call from them saying that they had placed his headstone YESTERDAY. This afternoon we decided to call them and ask what the status was and it was done. I was so excited and nervous to see his marker. It turned out really nice. It looks alot better in person. The wording and the temple stand out much more in person. I am not sure why the white speckles stand out so much in the picture.

On the way to the cemetery I was overcome by the spirit. I could feel it so strong I started crying, not because I was sad, but because I knew in my heart that Kooper knows how much I love him and how much I wish he was here in my arms. To make fun memories with our family and play with his big brother Kade. I know that one day we will be together as a family and we will have plenty of time to make fun memories.

Father and Son

I took this picture last night. Love my boys!

Halloween Acrylic Album

A few weeks ago I went to a scrapbook convention with Kerry and Amy from my ward. It was tons of fun. I wish I had lots of money to buy all the cute things that were there. I came across this cute acrylic Halloween album and told myself, "No you have spent more than enough money today." So while Kerry and Amy spent time looking in that booth I stayed back and thought I would keep myself from buying. So to keep me busy I called Ryan. I told him how good I was being by staying back and not tempting myself by looking at it. Then Kerry decided to buy it. I really wanted it so I justified it saying, "It will be just like a Halloween decoration. I can put it out with all my Halloween stuff and then put it away every year." So after much contemplation I bought it! I never regreted it since, so that's always a plus since I am an impulse buyer! Ask anyone in my family. I usually return 50% of the things I purchase. Unless it is food for the family!

So Kerry, Connie (Kerry's best friend), and I got together today to put together our cute albums. It was tons of fun and now I feel like I have accomplished something today! My album is a progressive one. I am going to add a photo every year. It all starts with Kade's first Halloween. There are a few pages that aren't complete because I have to wait for the picture first, but I thought I would show it off.

Kade's 1st Halloween as Tigger!

Kade's 2nd as a skeleton and 3rd as Buzz Lightyear!

His 3rd Halloween decorating pumpkins!

Below are all the unfinished pages.

THE END!