Saturday, July 10, 2010

2 Years Ago...

Two years ago today...
I was a happy Mom of 2 sons... One of them I was counting down the days and hours to see.
I was relaxed and excited to see my Mom and sister Ashley.
I was watching Kade run around in his Shrek underwear (he decided himself he wanted to start going in the potty only days earlier).
I was taking pictures of Kade in his batman costume that he had gotten earlier that day at Walmart.
I was talking to my Mom on the phone while my older sister Bree was doing her hair.
I told my Mom if my water broke I would have to drive myself to the hospital.
She told me that I should get an ambulance.
I told her I would call the neighbor (Ryan's work was way over by the hospital).
I was texting my friend Jenna while she was home with her less than a week old baby SaraJane.
We talked about how fun it was going to be when we got together with our two babies and dress them in matching outfits, or each others outfits and compare them and lay them next to each other and eventually fall in love!
I talked to my friend Karen from work and updated her about the baby.
Two years ago today...
I waited for Ryan to get home during a HUGE monsoon storm.
I was laying on the couch and realized that Kooper hadn't been kicking like usual.
I was laying in bed prodding and poking him, praying for him to move soon.
I downed and otter pop trying to wake him up.
I jumped in the shower, the water beating on my belly always woke him up.
I called the L&D triage and they told me to come in.
Long story short I drove to the hospital worrying a little but thinking in my mind everything would be okay and maybe I would be induced.
I thought I felt him move.
I considered turning around and going home, but wasn't sure if he moved so I kept going.
Two years ago today...
The nurse couldn't find the heartbeat but I was still positive.
I thought the nurse was an idiot.
I sat and reassured Ryan over the phone that everything was going to be okay.
Two year ago today...
I was naive and oblivious thinking that nothing could happen to my baby.
I was a carefree Mother who thought her kids would bury her and that she would never have to say that she has a child that has passed away (especially at the age of 23)! I mean really how many 23 year old can say that they have buried their child?
Two years ago today I watched on the ultrasound monitor a baby, a baby without a beating heart.
I prayed that it was only a still shot but knew deep down that he was gone.
Two years ago today...
Ryan,Kade and I held each other and cried and wondered why? Why us? We still don't know the answer but we know it was Heavenly Father''s plan. We see the positive side of why and try and focus on that.

I miss my baby. Tomorrow will be a hard day, but I am going to try my hardest to make it a positive day and celebrate my sweet Angel Kooper. Be thankful for the impact he has had on me. He has forever changed me. I am a different person because of him and a better person because of him. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. I don't think my memory will ever fade. It will always feel like yesterday.



Amy said...

Oh Kami I'm sorry that we are in this "club"!! I'm remembering Kooper with you!

amyraye said...

kami- you turned your thoughts and memories into beautiful prose. I'm so sorry your 3rd year without your sweet baby kooper is about to begin. I'll say a little extra prayer for your family tonight.

Shandi said...

You're so strong, much stronger than I could ever be. I admire you and your strength. Good luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you.

Jenny from the Blog said...

You have changed me too even though I don't know what it feels like. I remember that day when I heard about it. I sat on the floor in the call center at work and cried for at least an hour. I had never met you before that but Ryan and I were buddies and you made me a cute little card for my new little one (I still have it). Just know that with your strength and the messages you pass along in your stories, you change people. Even if it's just a little.