Miracles

Yesterday was one of those days. It all started with a grocery shopping trip with all the kids by myself. In the past I have had such good results that I tell myself, "I can go grocery shopping with a 5 year old, a 19 month old and a 8 month old! I can!" But after yesterday I promise to not go shopping with them all by myself until they are older! I wrote a whole post about it and then deleted it (it was very therapeutic) and now I have a new rule. If I am by myself I can only buy 5 things and get out of there!

As my day continued into the night I was hit with more things one right after the other and my patience was wearing thin. I still hadn't caught up on the sleep I had been deprived of and when I don't have my sleep I am not a fun person to be around. So the little things seemed worse.

Ryan got home from work early which normally cheered me up. I have a fun weekend to look forward to. I am going to Utah for my sisters baby shower and get to spend time with my family. But still I was in a depressed state. Ryan kept saying things to make me smile or laugh. But all I could think about what the negative.

I was wide awake at midnight with all these thoughts swirling through my head and sleep no where in sight. Ryan asked what was the matter. I told him everything and then started spilling out the real reasons for my bad mood. A few of them were really stupid things, but there was one thing that had been on my mind all day. One thing that was making everything else seem horrible.

I had watched a show on TLC that was talking about the first set of living septuplets and the fact that they were now going to be 13. The mother said, "they were miracles" and they were. It made me tear up. I wanted a miracle? Why couldn't I have had a miracle? Was I that far off the path that God had to do something so sad and horrible, that Kooper had to sacrifice a life on earth so that I could be placed back where I should have been all along. I carry this guilt sometimes that if I would have been going to church more often then Kooper wouldn't have had to die. I sometimes question it on the bad days but deep down I know it was just the way it was meant to be. Some days I still wish I could have had a miracle.

Today is a good day.I am preparing for a trip to Utah and I can't wait to see my parents and sisters! I have much more to do today so I better go off the computer.

Don't forget to vote for my Keegan, just click on the link at the top of my page!

New Flowers

Ryan has Mondays off and for the last month or so I have had Sunday nights off so we are actually able to spend some time together on Mondays. After Christmas we went and got Kooper's tree from the cemetery so they wouldn't throw it away. Unfortunately I hadn't picked up any new flowers before we went and it was a Sunday so I wasn't going to stop at Michael's to pick some new ones up. So I decided on Monday to go put new flowers in Kooper's vase. So we stopped at Michael's and they had their Valentines decorations out so I got a cute little wooden heart, new flowers and a cool blue pinwheel flower too. Keegan loved to watch the pinwheel flower spin in the wind. It was kind of a spur of the moment idea after we got into the car so we had no camera (thanks to cell phones with cameras I was able to take a picture) and we forgot the cleaning stuff to clean off his headstone. But I was glad I was able to do it so I didn't feel like a bad mom! That sounds kind of weird. But there aren't a lot of physical things I can do for Kooper anymore.

\

Tired!

I feel like I am forgetting to do something at the end of the day and I thnk it's blogging. I miss the daily updates that I can look back on. Plus I found out that it takes my husband days before he even looks at my blog because he knows it isn't updated daily!

I swear this month is going by so slow! It feels like it has been January FOREVER! Does January always go by this slow?
I am surprised I am even up to blgging right now. Ryan doesn't usually work until later on Tuesdays so when I work on Monday nights I usually get to sleep for a little bit, that was not the case today. He left at 8am and Kamryn and Keegan woke up just in time....so it's been a long day and I am ready to call it a night and crawl into bed. The house is a disaster because I don't have the energy or the patience to clean it, since it will probably be destroyed in less than 10 minutes by a 5 year old and a 19 month old!

I really don't have anything to blog about but I don't like looking at my blog and seeing the same post for more than a day or two....I wish i had something cooler to post about.

I entered this cute picture of Keegan into a photo contest...it is only this week. So go vote for Keegan (click on his name to vote)!

Telling his story

When I first found out about Lanee's Legacy and that many LDS wards would volunteer to do box making nights to help with all the manpower of putting together these boxes I knew it was something that I wanted my ward to participate in. Then not too long after we had 2 families in our ward experience a loss of a baby. I definitely knew we needed to do it because it wax hitting so close to home for our ward. I am not trying to take any credit for them coming. I think somehow they would have ended up here anyways. I just got the info to our Humanitarian leader in our ward and I am grateful for them and getting it all set up.Last night Lanee's Legacy came out and we put together some boxes but first a few of us Angel Mommy's told our story to everyone that came to help out. 

All moms love to talk about their children and what they are good at and there sweet qualities. So anytime us Angel Moms get the opportunity to talk about our babies that most people are afraid to bring up (even though we would love for you to bring them up) and share them with anyone that will listen.

For me this was the first time I would be talking about Kooper and actually telling his story to a group of people. I have told many people, even strangers of my story, but I have never stood up and actually told his story. I didn't have a lot of time so Tuesday night and all day Wednesday I kept trying to decide what I wanted to share what I wanted to say and I thought I had it pretty much planned out. Because I was kind of all over the place at the  beginning. I was so nervous! Maybe I should have practiced, especially since I am not a good public speaker. I really dislike it. But I jumped at the chance to talk about Kooper.

So as soon as I get up here all the thoughts I had left my head. I rambled and I had so many thoughts jumping around that so did what I was talking about. I had to stop myself and pretty much start over. It started out pretty rocky. But as soon as I started over I felt like I got out what I wanted to. I actually don't even really remember what I said or if it made sense. There were so many things I wanted to tell but I knew that I didn't have the whole day, because I could go on and on about my .

I am so grateful that I got to share Kooper with those that were there. I thought there would have been more of a turn out considering the size of our ward. But it really didn't take that long to get all those boxes packed with the size of group we had!

I look forward to more opportunities to share Kooper's story and more opportunities to help Lanee's Legacy.

They are always accepting donations and you can even donate monetarily on their website.

Here are a few pictures from the Humanitarian Project:

Baby Girl box

Jessica's little boy Broc's mementos

My little monkey Kooper's mementos

Cheri's baby girl, Addison's mementos.

Christy's little boy Declan's mementos.

They even let me have a box to put Kooper's things in. It's already full!

Thank you Lanee's Legacy and thank you to all the wonderful ladies that came and helped out! The families that receive these boxes are going to appreciate more than you will ever know!

Car show

On Monday we all went to the Barrett Jackson car show. Ryan's work was a sponsor there and they even auctioned off a car that is just like this one below that Kade got to sit in. The money went to Cox Charities. It was fun to walk around and people watch and see all the neat cars. We were also able to see a few of Ryan's co-workers too! Of course Keegan was giving out his cute little flirty smiles to all the ladies too! Wish I had a picture of that!

Keegan

I was going to meet up with my friend Teri to do a craft and she took a few pictures of Keegan at the park before.  Keegan was so interested in the grass and leaves that it was hard to get a smile out of him! Maybe we need to spend more time outdoors?

We didn't even end up doing the craft, instead we went to playgroup at the park by my house. It was fun anyways!

  I will definitely share the craft when we finally do it. It's gonna be a cute one!

Markers!

This is what happens when your five year old gets into the markers...

he gives himself sharp teeth and turns into a dragon!

20 dollar Amazon GC for 10 dolars? I think I will!

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Visit the link above and get a 20 dollar Amazon GC for 10 dollars!

Thought I would share this great deal because if 3 people buy one then I will get another great deal for free! And because I want others to get this awesome deal too!

Where did five dollars go??

Earlier this week 5 dollars went missing from the counter. Ryan and I didn't take it. That leaves one little boy! Well this little boy kept saying he didn't know where it was and that he didn't take it.

I knew eventually the 5 dollars would show up. I should have checked the pockets before I did laundry...

Today while I was waiting in the long line to pick Kade up from school I was thinking about the note from the PTA about the smencils they were selling. I memory popped into my head....

*Warning* I am retelling this from when I heard it a while ago so don't hold me accountable to any information that was not correct. I have had four kids and my memory is horrible!

When Ryan was in about second grade his Mom collected rent for an apartment complex. Well one day he decided to take some of the money. (I am not sure where it was kept the money) He took about 200 dollars and bought chums (do you even remember what the heck there were?) from Amanda Jones. Yes, he bought 200 dollars worth. I guess her Dad sold them or something. Well he then began to hand these out to whomever. If he was really smart he would have charged them money for them! But Ryan is a nice guy and he still is today a nice guy. He is a GIVER!

So anyways that thought popped into my head and I thought wouldn't it be funny if Kade came home from school with smencils.

Earlier tonight Kade comes running up to me with FIVE smencils. "Look Mom! Look what I got at school!" and then the questioning began. He found the money in his pants (this is why I should have checked his pockets when I did laundry.) When I asked him how it got into his pants he said, Maybe it crawled into my pocked all by itself! He then admitted that it must have been the money off the counter!

Here is the confession...Don't mind my messy house!

On the brain...

So I saw someone else put just a bunch of random thoughts from their brain as a blog post and I lvoed it so I copied her!

• Keegan is growing up too fast and soon he will be crawling and I am gonna be in trouble!
• My kids watch way too much TV.
• I am finding it really hard to choose healthy food over chocolate and cookies.
• I am obsessing over a new blog that I am afraid to share....it has ideas on refinishing furniture and I feel like if I will have an even harder time than I already am having finding some furniture to try and refinish. In case you are reading this and have furniture you want to get rid of...even if it's old I am looking for a twin size headboard, a table (to seat at least 6), end tables, and dressers. Funny thing is I have never "refinished" anything but it looks so good! I think I can do it.
• I feel like I am going to be buying diapers for the rest of my life. I see an end to formula in my near future but diapers seem so far away...probably at least 2 years...AT LEAST!
• I worry about pregnant people alot lately, especially since alot of my friends are pregnant. Even if I don't tell them, I do think about them often and pray that they will have a healthy baby.
• I wonder if Keegan will ever sleep through the night. We moved his crib into our room so that he can scream as loud as he wants and not wake Kamryn up....well I still find myself picking him up so I can sleep....not so good.
• I wish I could pay an interior designer to help me with colors to paint the walls. I am stumped.
• I wonder how much Kamryn's surgery will end up costing. She is having her tongue tie problem fixed.
• I really want some new couches. Ryan thinks that paying towards debts sounds like a better idea!
• I am jealous of my sister and friend Jenna, they are having girls.  I am feeling bad that Kamryn doesn't have a sister and I am not willing to risk it for another boy (I've already got 3, 4 if you count Ryan!). Yeah, I know that sounds really bad. Plus I AM DONE so I don't even know why it's on my mind. Probably because there are so many pregnant people and my baby is not little anymore!
• Kamryn doesn't like Goodwill. I went in to look for some furniture I talked about above and she screamed until we started to leave...EVERYBODY was staring...totally embarrassing.
• I found a fabric line that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and I really want to make Kamryn a quilt for her bed (that she doesn't have yet) so I can figure out the exact color I want to paint her room. Problem is I don't know how to quilt and how much fabric to get.
• My sister Ashley's baby shower. I am nervous to be leaving the kids. Not that Ryan isn't a great parent, I haven't left my kids since we left Kade for a few nights while we went to a wedding out of state.. I am super excited to see my sister one last time before she has her baby!
• Is Kade ever going to lose a tooth or is Keegan ever going to get a tooth?

Does Andy have a dad?

The kids favorite move is Toy Story 3.  Kade has always loved the Toy Story movies too. Well today while I made dinner I decided to put in the first Toy Story because Kamryn had never watched it before. She had been around while it was playing but at that time she had no interest in movies. 

I remember myself wondering where the dad was in Toy Story. I remember thinking I wonder if kids even notice and today Kade did. He asked me, "Mom, does Andy have a dad?" I told him, "I don't know, do you think he has one?" Kade replied, "Nope, because I haven't seen him." I then let him think about it a little bit and he said, "Mom I want to see Toy Story 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. And it Toy Story 10 Andy has a Dad!"

I love his imagination. He then told me that Andy's dad must be at work.

I googled it and came across this article.

I think it is a good thing that they leave it up to the imagination because then each kid could relate it to their own circumstance. Weather their father is always at work, isn't in the picture at all or their Dad passed away. Whatever the situation may be they can make it their own.

Plant

Last week I got an e-mail from my mother-in-law about a plant I received when Kooper passed away. I had completely forgotten about it until she sent me this e-mail.  The plants she refers to (the ones I kept) are dead. That is how much of a green thumb I have. I am mostly blaming it on the fact that in the summer of 2009 while we were in Utah on vacation we turned the A/C off and when we got home our house was 100 degrees inside and all our plants were dead! That is exactly why I don't have any live plants in my house!

Kami

I thought I should write this to you because it happened in my life at one of the times I needed it the most.  I've been pampering Kooper's peace plant since I brought it back from Arizona after Kooper's funeral. You gave it to me cause you had 3 of them and wasn't sure if you would be able to keep them alive. I  almost lost it on the way back from Arizona cause of the heat and the hot sun hitting it in the back of the car. So it did make it from Arizona to Montana in the heat of July.  I replanted it in a bigger pot probably a year after I got it. It never bloomed so I figured it was root bound. I almost lost it a few timesespecially during the insurance construction of our house the months of September through the middle of November 2010. We weren't living here so I would forgetto water it. In November I noticed it was getting new leaves.  Leaves I thought because they were so big. Well it turned out to be 4 blooms, not just little blooms, 4 big blooms.  It bloom's has lasted throughout December and into January. I watered it today and the 4 blooms are as pretty as the first

day. What is weird is that 3 blooms are on top standing straight up. The 4th bloom is lower and seems like it is reaching out because we brush against it every time we pass it. KC the 95 pound moose (her dog)  sniffs it every time he passes it and he makes sure to move away from it when he wags his tail.

it gave me 4 blooms.  It's a special plant and I think of Kooper every time I walk past. I'm glad you gave it to me, I thank you for that living blooming plant. Kooper lives in all of us especially you and Ryan.  Thank you for giving me the plant.

We love and miss you so much.

Love Mom Anita

2 1/2 years

Dear Kooper,

Happy half birthday little monkey! I miss you so much I have a hard time trying to imagine what you would look like and the things you would be doing. The trouble you would be getting into with Kade. I wish you were getting into trouble with Kade. But I know he needs a special guardian angel to watch over him so you can do that job for now! Maybe whisper in his ear to play a little softer and nicer with Kamryn and to clean up his toys more! Yesterday Kamryn walked into my room and picked up a frame that I have on my nightstand. It's a picture from your last ultrasound I had just days before I had you. It says, My heart belongs to mommy! on it.  I told Kamryn, "That's Kooper, that's your brother." I tried to get her to say your name too. Then I showed her a bigger picture of you and she wanted to carry it all around the house and gave it lots of kisses! I am sure she misses you too! I wish you guys would have had the chance to grow up together and play together but I know that you will look out for her too! Keep those boys far far away from her!

You have taught me in the short time you were here with me, much more than I could have ever taught you in a whole lifetime. You are missed greatly and we love you so much! I look forward to the day that we will be together again, our whole family!

Love
Mom

It feels like a long time has passed yet it feels like yesterday. My chest doesn't tighten with anxiety like it used to. It has it's times but it has gotten so much better. My thoughts can go to Kooper and I can still be happy and think of him without crying. He makes me happy but the thought of him not being here makes me sad so thinking about him is so bittersweet. It bring back memories of joy but sadness and so I try to focus on the joy that he has brought to me. 

As I was reading another Angel Mommy's blog as I read her description of how she was feeling on a really bad day when all she could do is sob and cry and nothing was going to make it better only holding her son in her arms it made me flash to those moments in my life. I realized that I didn't blog much about how I felt personally and the heartache. I touched on it a little from what I remember but it was a tough time and luckily it has gotten better and I go longer between sad days. It sounds weird but I don't want to forget those days. As much as they are sad they make Kooper real to me and remind me of what I went through to make me who I am today.

It makes me miss my old house. I can place myself in my room laying in my bed and staring at the wall the held Kade and Kooper's baby pictures. I would just stare and stare and cry and cry and in a way it felt good. It was part of healing all that crying. It is where I realized that Kooper wasn't kicking anymore . It is where I cried myself to sleep. It is where I experienced the hardest trial I have been faced with.



I never wanted to let him go. I wanted to hold and stare at him forever. There are times I just wish I had a clock to rewind the time so I could go back and save him, but I know that it just wasn't part of God's plan. I just have to remind myself of that when those thoughts start to invade my brain.

Keegan's 7 Months

Today when I realized that Keegan was 7 months old  I had to look back on a year ago when Kamryn turned 7 months old.   I was also thinking that Keegan looks so much like Kooper. I still see Kooper in him as he gets bigger. Ryan thinks that Keegan and Kade look alot a like but I look at Keegan and see just a little bit of Kade. I think it's mostly his eyes.  He is such a smiley boy but can turn the scream on like no other. His cry sounds similar to Kamryn's. They play so cute together. Kamryn loves to feed him his bottle even though he can hold it himself.  I looked over at Kamryn and Keegan playing together and thought that they may not even be here yet if I hadn't lost Kooper (that's a whole other post that I might have to go on about another time.) Back on subject! We are so lucky to have Keegan in our life. He has such a sweet spirit. I love it when he is crying and the second I pick him up he quiets down and rests his head on my shoulder and holds tight to my arms like he never wants to let go! I could hold my kids all day if I didn't have other responsibilities!

He is growing so much and learning things everyday! He is seriously going to be crawling any day now...really any day and I am so nervous for that because between Kamryn and Kade the house is always scattered with toys and everything is going to be in his mouth and I am going to have to worry about dog food again! Luckily it didn't take Kamryn long to realize that dog food isn't good. It took Kade quite a bit longer!  I don't know if it's a boy thing but I am hoping that we won't have that problem with Keegan.

He loves to eat and has loved all the baby foods so far!

Today he was laying on his boppy drinking his bottle and I look down and he is sitting up. He must be getting some abs of steel under all those rolls! He is so attentive and locks eyes with you and as soon as you lock eyes he has the biggest smile ready! He is such a flirt and always knows when the ladies talk to him what to do. He will smile..babble a little or giggle! I gotta keep my eye on Ryan when we go places together and I leave him alone...that little boy is a babe magnet! haha
He is saying Dadadada and Babababa....no Mamamam yet. I keep trying though!
 

 

  

 Do you think they look alike?

We love you Keegan!





Cute moments

Yesterday Kamryn was dancing around jabbering and I couldn't figure out what she was singing or doing with her hands and then it hit me. She was singing 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed. My Dad started singing it to her when we were up in Utah and now it's her favorite song. She loves the bumped his head part! Please turn the volume down a little because I am singing! haha!!


Keegan started saying Dadadadada over and over the other day. So cute!

Sometimes when life is chaos...which is most of the time at our house I stop and think, Wow would it be crazy if Kooper were here. We would love it but life would be nuts. I wonder what he would be doing? Picking on his little sister? Getting into Kade's toys and messing it all up? Would Kade be nicer to Kamryn because Kooper was picking on her?

Back to school!

So a little bit before Christmas break Kade would complain that his tummy hurt when he didnt't want to do something so he could get out of it.  Well yesterday it was time to go back to school and I got a call from the school nurse telling me that Kade was sick and he felt like he was going to throw up.  I beleive him because indeed he threw up in the classroom just before Christmas break!  I get him and it seems maybe his tummy might be bothering him a little bit but as soon as he gets into the car he is a hppy boy with no tummy ache in sight! I tell him that when we get home he is going to lay down. He quickly adds that he wants to watch TV and I tell him No TV because he is sick and needs his rest. He then tells me that he doesn't have a tummy ache anymore. I warned him that I would take him back to school since he was feeling better. I probably should have only there was less than an hour left and I didn't want to take him back to have to pick him up shortly after. He then complained that he hates school and doesn't want to go tomorrow. 
So this morning when he woke up he cried and whined about it all morning. He said, "If I go to school my tummy will hurt!" I reassured him that it wouldn't hurt and that he only goes to the nurses office if it hurts REALLY bad. I also warned him that I would not be picking him up from school and that he would be staying there all day.  I am a mom and I can pretty much tell when he is lying and telling the truth because he is NOT a good liar (thank goodness and hopefully it stays that way!) So I am hoping that things went better today. I tried to get out of him if he got in trouble or what he really didn't like about school yesterday. He usually loves it so it was kiind of odd. I think his tummy may have hurt just a little (probably from eating too fast so he could get out to recess) beacuse he went out to recess and that's when he started feeling sick and went to the nurse. What kids doesn't want to go to recess??  I think it triggered into his mind if he was sick enough he could come home and play. Maybe he got used to hanging out with all of us and just wanted to be back home with his family.
It reminds me of the poem in the book Where the Sidewalk Ends.

Sick, by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

I am hoping he will be back to the old Kade that LOVES to go to school so I don't have to worry about it anymore!

Goals for 2011

It has been kind of nice not having to worry about blogging everyday. When something happens I catch myself thinking...Oh I could blog about that! I have thought about blogging a lot. I haven't had a lot of things go through my head of ideas or things I want to share. I forgot to put in an older post that Kade named his pillow pet after my sister Ashley. Anyways now that I have that documented onto what I really have been wanting to blog about.....

My goals for 2011!

I really have been having a hard time with setting these goals...partly because I want them to be realistic and achievable.  I went back and looked at last years goals and I only achieved 1 maybe 2 of them. I think I had too many things to work on and not enough motivation.

Goals for 2011

• Be a better wife and mother.  I think sometimes I take my kids for granted and spend way too much time checking FB, blogger or just blogging in general.
• My major thing this year is getting my food storage in order. That statement sounds completely wrong because I have no food storage, only what is already in my cupboards, which is not enough. So any helpful hints and advice on food storage would be greatly appreciated because I have a LONG way to go!
• Work out more! With each baby I have kept 5 pounds and with my turn around time of getting pregnant that didn't do so well on the body! So with working out I hope to shed some of these pounds and by not getting pregnant again, hopefully I will continue to lose some weight and not gain?! I have had a hard time watching what I eat because for 3 years straight I was pregnant and watching what I ate was never a thought. I had reason to eat what I wanted when I wanted but now I am almost 7 months post pregnancy and no where near where I wanted to be.  So hopefully instead of sleeping in many mornings maybe I can gain some motivation and get off my booty and do something! Along with getting into shape I want to learn to love myself despite the negative things I see/think.  I have had a hard time with my body image and hopefully by doing things to improve it like exercising and trying to eat better I will see results and learn to love myself more and not be so hard on myself.

So those are the big ones for the year. There are some smaller goals I hope to accomplish that I have written down.

Happy New Year! I don't really like writing that. I think I could have kept going on with December forever. I loved having time off work visiting family, eating junk, playing games, having Ryan off work, hanging out with my parents and sisters. I loved having the Trees up and all the Christmas decorations out. I took them down yesterday and now the house feels empty in a way. The stores are empty of all the Christmas stuff and now are full of workout and diet stuff because everyone new years resolution is: Get in shape! Kind of like mine! ha! So sad and depressing. Maybe just to me because I love to eat....the problem is that I don't really like to eat healthy!

Oh well I can't stop time from moving on. I have the whole year to look forward to and all these goals to achieve so wish me luck!