Yesterday was one of those days. It all started with a grocery shopping trip with all the kids by myself. In the past I have had such good results that I tell myself, "I can go grocery shopping with a 5 year old, a 19 month old and a 8 month old! I can!" But after yesterday I promise to not go shopping with them all by myself until they are older! I wrote a whole post about it and then deleted it (it was very therapeutic) and now I have a new rule. If I am by myself I can only buy 5 things and get out of there!
As my day continued into the night I was hit with more things one right after the other and my patience was wearing thin. I still hadn't caught up on the sleep I had been deprived of and when I don't have my sleep I am not a fun person to be around. So the little things seemed worse.
Ryan got home from work early which normally cheered me up. I have a fun weekend to look forward to. I am going to Utah for my sisters baby shower and get to spend time with my family. But still I was in a depressed state. Ryan kept saying things to make me smile or laugh. But all I could think about what the negative.
I was wide awake at midnight with all these thoughts swirling through my head and sleep no where in sight. Ryan asked what was the matter. I told him everything and then started spilling out the real reasons for my bad mood. A few of them were really stupid things, but there was one thing that had been on my mind all day. One thing that was making everything else seem horrible.
I had watched a show on TLC that was talking about the first set of living septuplets and the fact that they were now going to be 13. The mother said, "they were miracles" and they were. It made me tear up. I wanted a miracle? Why couldn't I have had a miracle? Was I that far off the path that God had to do something so sad and horrible, that Kooper had to sacrifice a life on earth so that I could be placed back where I should have been all along. I carry this guilt sometimes that if I would have been going to church more often then Kooper wouldn't have had to die. I sometimes question it on the bad days but deep down I know it was just the way it was meant to be. Some days I still wish I could have had a miracle.
Today is a good day.I am preparing for a trip to Utah and I can't wait to see my parents and sisters! I have much more to do today so I better go off the computer.
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