Tuesday, January 11, 2011

2 1/2 years

Dear Kooper,

Happy half birthday little monkey! I miss you so much I have a hard time trying to imagine what you would look like and the things you would be doing. The trouble you would be getting into with Kade. I wish you were getting into trouble with Kade. But I know he needs a special guardian angel to watch over him so you can do that job for now! Maybe whisper in his ear to play a little softer and nicer with Kamryn and to clean up his toys more! Yesterday Kamryn walked into my room and picked up a frame that I have on my nightstand. It's a picture from your last ultrasound I had just days before I had you. It says, My heart belongs to mommy! on it.  I told Kamryn, "That's Kooper, that's your brother." I tried to get her to say your name too. Then I showed her a bigger picture of you and she wanted to carry it all around the house and gave it lots of kisses! I am sure she misses you too! I wish you guys would have had the chance to grow up together and play together but I know that you will look out for her too! Keep those boys far far away from her!

You have taught me in the short time you were here with me, much more than I could have ever taught you in a whole lifetime. You are missed greatly and we love you so much! I look forward to the day that we will be together again, our whole family!


It feels like a long time has passed yet it feels like yesterday. My chest doesn't tighten with anxiety like it used to. It has it's times but it has gotten so much better. My thoughts can go to Kooper and I can still be happy and think of him without crying. He makes me happy but the thought of him not being here makes me sad so thinking about him is so bittersweet. It bring back memories of joy but sadness and so I try to focus on the joy that he has brought to me. 

As I was reading another Angel Mommy's blog as I read her description of how she was feeling on a really bad day when all she could do is sob and cry and nothing was going to make it better only holding her son in her arms it made me flash to those moments in my life. I realized that I didn't blog much about how I felt personally and the heartache. I touched on it a little from what I remember but it was a tough time and luckily it has gotten better and I go longer between sad days. It sounds weird but I don't want to forget those days. As much as they are sad they make Kooper real to me and remind me of what I went through to make me who I am today.

It makes me miss my old house. I can place myself in my room laying in my bed and staring at the wall the held Kade and Kooper's baby pictures. I would just stare and stare and cry and cry and in a way it felt good. It was part of healing all that crying. It is where I realized that Kooper wasn't kicking anymore . It is where I cried myself to sleep. It is where I experienced the hardest trial I have been faced with.

I never wanted to let him go. I wanted to hold and stare at him forever. There are times I just wish I had a clock to rewind the time so I could go back and save him, but I know that it just wasn't part of God's plan. I just have to remind myself of that when those thoughts start to invade my brain.



Marissa said...

((((HUGS))))) - beautiful pictures. This may not come out right but you are so lucky to have captured that moment because in the end that is all we have with our angels. Thank you for being so honest about how you feel - if it doesn't help you - it, at the very least, helps me to know that what I'm feeling is "normal". Always in your heart is where he will be.

Young Family said...

I know what you mean about wanting to remember the sad days as well. Crying was/is so healing.

Amy said...

Thinking of you Kami! Alexis' two year angelversary is on Saturday. I've been feeling really sad lately. {hugs}

Christy said...

That was beautiful Kami. I didn't know you when you had sweet little Kooper, but I am glad that I have met you since. You have helped me through the hardest trial of my life! Thank you for giving me hope that one day I will be able to not fall to pieces every three seconds.