Saturday, February 5, 2011

Little reminders

Everyday I have little things that remind me of Kooper. Not everyday is it something that specifically represents him.  I have an account on I have been on babycenter since before I became pregnant with Kade. You put in the dates or due dates of you children and then they have birth boards for the month and year that your baby is due so you can ask questions and compare things to other moms throughout the baby years. So after Kooper died I went to the stillbirth boards to find comfort. Comfort in knowing that someone else understood what I had gone through. What I found was not that. Many, not all but many didn't have much belief of the afterlife or their belief's weren't strong. So these boards ended up not doing me much good because their feelings were so different then mine although we still stood on some common ground.  So after that I never followed the birth boards much. I couldn't go to Kooper"s and see all these ladies complain about their baby because I would have given ANYTHING to have my baby not sleep a minute of the night. Although I very well know I would have been complaining if I was in their shoes. Being a Mom isn't easy.  I have entered Keegan and Kamryn's information in and every week I get an update about what they might be doing developmentally. I still get them for Kooper. It is one of those reminders.  Today i received a Huggies pamphlet not only for Kamryn but for Kooper too. It doesn't say his name on it but it is for the potty training years.

When I became pregnant with Kooper I signed up for Huggies coupons. You put in your information about your expected due date and start receiving samples and coupons. I still get them for Kooper. It doesn't really make me sad. Because lets be honest who wants to be potty training an almost 3 year old??? It's bittersweet because it reminds me of what could have been or would have been and what stage he would be in. But anytime I get a reminder that Kooper is real and that he is my baby it makes me happy.

Tonight as Kade was saying his prayers the first thing that he said was, "I'm thankful for Kooper." and then the last thing he said was, "I hope Kooper has awesome balloons!" (today we went to Chick-a-fillet and he and Kamryn got balloons and he kept talking about letting the balloons go to Kooper.) Before he said his prayers he was facing his Kooper monkey and I am pretty sure that reminded him of  his little brother.

Last night as I tucked Kade in to bed I had Keegan in my arms and I told Kade that in a few years he would be able to have a roommate, Keegan! And that Keegan could sleep on the pull-out trundle bed.  I told him that if Kooper were here and alive that he would be as big as Sara Jane and that he would be big enough to share a room and sleep in a big boy bed. He smiled and said, "But Mom, He's in heaven!" I smiled back thinking, I know, silly me!


1 comment:

Christy said...

I totally know what you mean. I get Enfamil coupons and formula for Declan. It hurts and is a good reminder all wrapped up in one. Sometimes I wish I hadn't signed up for it though. When I see newborn formula my heart hurts - even though I probably would've nursed him. But it is a reminder that he existed - not just some strange dream in my mind. Thanks for your thoughts Kami! I love you blog!