Thursday, December 16, 2010

To already know

Yes, I watch that horrible show...(don't judge)! For those who don't watch it one of the characters Lynette was pregnant with twins and one of the twins died. I am not sure how far along she was. I think she was at least 20 weeks. I was not happy that they didn't really address the loss of her son. It was talked about for 1 maybe 2 episodes and pretty much never mentioned again. Well in last Sunday's episode when Gabby's biological daughter left Fairview she went to talk to Lynette and it made me cry when she told Lynette that she had to talk to her because she was the only one she knew who had lost a child.  I choked back tears as I remembered having those same feelings. I just wanted to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. Someone that could relate.  I have been blessed to come to know some wonderful women that through their experiences have been able to help support me with mine. Not only those who have had this trial before me but even those who have experienced it after me. My journey through life without Kooper will always feel incomplete because he will always be missing and although it's been almost 2 and a half years I still have some bad days. The comfort I get from those wonderful ladies is amazing. We help each other on our bad days.
Last night Kade had his last t-ball practice and instead of practicing they went to Peter Piper Pizza.  As I was leaving the coach's wife and the assistant coach (who happens to be a women) started talking to me about Keegan and Kamryn. They wondered how I did it, handling two little ones. In those moments I just wish people knew about Kooper and I didn't have to tell them. Not that I don't want to talk about Kooper. But I don't want others to be uncomfortable when I do tell them. I want everyone to know even strangers that just see me walking down the isle at Target. I want them to know without having the conversation. Because I want them to know that I have had 4 babies. I want them to know that Kade, Kamryn and Keegan have another brother. That I have another son. That yes it seems crazy that I have an 18 month old and a 6 month old, but really there should also be a 2 and a half year old boy hanging onto my leg as I try and juggle Kamryn and Keegan while hollering to Kade to come back so he doesn't get lost. I want others to know that I haven't moved on. That my heart still yearns to hold Kooper that he isn't very far from my thoughts all the time. That every time I drive down Northern Ave I can picture us following a white hurst carrying my baby and I just want to continue on down that road to the cemetery. That every time I see the number 11 I think of him. That every time I drive by the hospital I think of him. That every time I see an ultrasound I think of the ultrasound I had just days before he was born.  That every time I see a little boy that would be his age I wish even more badly that he was here to play with his siblings and give me hugs and kisses.  

When someone comments on how I have my hands full I want to tell them, "Well I would definitely have my hands full if Kooper were here." and for them to know what I mean.

I just want people to know.



Christy said...

That was beautiful Kami. I feel the same thing when I go shopping with my kids. I wish people understood that I'm supposed to have a baby in my arms and that I'm not just some sad chubby lady that couldn't lose her baby weight from her two year old. I hate that in order for you to understand me you had to lose Kooper. But it is very nice to have someone understand!

amyraye said...

what show?

love your thoughts here, kami. your writing and the way you're able to express yourself through your writing has definitely blossomed over the past year. i totally relate to wanting others to know- without me having to break it to them.