Saturday, December 18, 2010


I am very lucky that I haven't had a really hard time accepting that losing Kooper was meant to be. It was all apart of God's plan.  Don't get me wrong, I have had my days where I wondered why and struggled with it. But from the moment I found out that he passed away I knew it was because God needed him.  It helped my heartache (a  little). I was and still am heartbroken although the pieces have slowly started to come back together...but there are still those missing pieces that will never return until we are reunited once again.  But I do have days every once in a while where I wonder why he couldn't stay and that maybe he wasn't supposed to die. Maybe I was supposed to know or do something to intervene but I have to remind myself that if he WAS meant to live and be here with our family that God would have intervened. I would have gone into labor. Sometimes I worry what if I wasn't listening to the promptings of the spirit and I should have just gone in and demanded that they take him out. What if that last ultrasound was his last saving grace?  What if we were supposed to see that knot that cost him his life? As I looked back the other day at his ultrasounds in a few of them he looked so peaceful and then there were a few where he was making mad or sad faces. I remember seeing those and thinking oh how cute. Now it just breaks my heart. I wonder, was he calling for help? Calling for his Mom to get him out?  Who knows if at that time the chord was already wrapped around his neck?! But really I didn't know. The realilty of him dying and the possibility of him dying was so far out there that I never even thought of it as a possibility. Although our lives are so precious anyone of us could die tomorrow.

I guess I have comfort in the fact that I went to L&D days later with contractions and he was doing fine on the monitors. It has helped me to not blame myself for his passing. I was responsible for him.  So I guess if he were supposed to come out that, that would have been the time.

My faith has helped carry me through the hard times and to know that it is all apart of God's plan for me. Some days I just struggle with it. Not that often but it does still hit me every once in a while. I love and miss my little Kooper!

 Here is his tree this year. Because Kamryn loves to take all the decorations off, it's just the Koop tree this year!



Kelly said...

Thank you for your post! It's so precious and honest. It makes me cry. I have felt such similar feelings.
I love your tree. What a great idea! It's absolutely beautiful. What a great way to honor and remember Kooper.

amyraye said...

i have the same doubts sometimes. i feel pretty strongly that things happened exactly as they should have for calvin, but some moments i, too, wonder if i failed in recognizing a prompting or something that could have saved his life.
hang in there. love that little koop tree!
i'm way behind on my blog-reading, but congrats on making it through the entire year, blogging daily. i hope you don't drop off the (blogging) earth like i let myself do. :)