Sometimes it feels like a dream (or nightmare), that I have buried a child. I am not supposed to bury a child. Words and phrases mean different things to me. I see them in a different way than a Mother who has not experienced a loss like mine.
11 Months. Could it almost be a year since that horrible day? It feels like yesterday.
On July 10Th, 2008 these are the things I remember doing:
-Texting back and forth with Jenna about how fun it will be to watch SaraJane and Kooper interact and play together.
-Went to Walmart with Kade and then took pictures of him in his Shrek underwear and sent them to my Mom.
-I called my Mom and she was getting her hair done by my older sister Bree. We discussed what I would do if my water broke. I think we decided that it was either best to go to the nearest hospital instead of driving 30-45 minutes to the hospital I was supposed to deliver at. The other option was to call the neighbor or call 911! Ryan wasn't an option with his work being 45min to an hour away then having to drive all the way back in to the hospital...didn't make any sense.
-As the day went on a big monsoon storm hit. Ryan stayed at work a little late hoping that the rain would be like a normal Arizona rain...pour for 10 minutes and then the sun comes back out from the clouds, but no it didn't clear up. He came home still drenched from running from the building to his car.
-Then at about 11:00pm I was laying on the couch and thought WOW, Kooper why aren't you doing the normal acrobatics that I am used to? I poked and prodded my belly waiting for a kick back. I showered, ate an otter pop, drank cold water, and layed on each side poking him waiting for his response. When no response came I called L&D to see if they had anymore tricks...they said to come in. Being an optimistic person, thinking that nothing bad could really happen to me. Thinking I am going to go in hear his little heart beating and then he will start his acrobatics because that is how L&D trips go you have symptoms until you get there.
Ryan stayed at home with Kade since it was practically midnight and he was sound asleep. I was certain I would be home within an hour unless they checked me and I was dilated which I was hoping for! Unfortunately that wasn't the case for me.
So needless to say I was hoping today Thursday June 11th, 2009 would be a different day. I was having some anxiety about today. I didn't want any similarities to Thursday July 10th, 2008. The one similarity was that it was the Thursday before my scheduled induction. I thought about going to Walmart that day and didn't. I hoped it wouldn't rain, it didn't. I don't know if my husband was reading my mind, but he left work right on time and was home on time. I am glad that June 11th is over. I feel a weight lifted off of my chest.
I love and miss my baby so much! I think about him everyday. On Sunday I taught Ryan's Sunday School lesson because the boys in his class were at camp. I figured I wouldn't make him teach a room full of girls. The lesson was on Joseph F. Smith and the Redemption of the Dead. It reminded me of our purpose here on the earth. And that all my little boy needed was a body and that he was needed in heaven for other reasons. I try and think that my Kooper is gone on a mission. A long one to me but such a short one when we think of eternity. He is perfect! I look forward to the day that we will be reuinted as a family.
-Texting back and forth with Jenna about how fun it will be to watch SaraJane and Kooper interact and play together.
-Went to Walmart with Kade and then took pictures of him in his Shrek underwear and sent them to my Mom.
-I called my Mom and she was getting her hair done by my older sister Bree. We discussed what I would do if my water broke. I think we decided that it was either best to go to the nearest hospital instead of driving 30-45 minutes to the hospital I was supposed to deliver at. The other option was to call the neighbor or call 911! Ryan wasn't an option with his work being 45min to an hour away then having to drive all the way back in to the hospital...didn't make any sense.
-As the day went on a big monsoon storm hit. Ryan stayed at work a little late hoping that the rain would be like a normal Arizona rain...pour for 10 minutes and then the sun comes back out from the clouds, but no it didn't clear up. He came home still drenched from running from the building to his car.
-Then at about 11:00pm I was laying on the couch and thought WOW, Kooper why aren't you doing the normal acrobatics that I am used to? I poked and prodded my belly waiting for a kick back. I showered, ate an otter pop, drank cold water, and layed on each side poking him waiting for his response. When no response came I called L&D to see if they had anymore tricks...they said to come in. Being an optimistic person, thinking that nothing bad could really happen to me. Thinking I am going to go in hear his little heart beating and then he will start his acrobatics because that is how L&D trips go you have symptoms until you get there.
Ryan stayed at home with Kade since it was practically midnight and he was sound asleep. I was certain I would be home within an hour unless they checked me and I was dilated which I was hoping for! Unfortunately that wasn't the case for me.
So needless to say I was hoping today Thursday June 11th, 2009 would be a different day. I was having some anxiety about today. I didn't want any similarities to Thursday July 10th, 2008. The one similarity was that it was the Thursday before my scheduled induction. I thought about going to Walmart that day and didn't. I hoped it wouldn't rain, it didn't. I don't know if my husband was reading my mind, but he left work right on time and was home on time. I am glad that June 11th is over. I feel a weight lifted off of my chest.
I love and miss my baby so much! I think about him everyday. On Sunday I taught Ryan's Sunday School lesson because the boys in his class were at camp. I figured I wouldn't make him teach a room full of girls. The lesson was on Joseph F. Smith and the Redemption of the Dead. It reminded me of our purpose here on the earth. And that all my little boy needed was a body and that he was needed in heaven for other reasons. I try and think that my Kooper is gone on a mission. A long one to me but such a short one when we think of eternity. He is perfect! I look forward to the day that we will be reuinted as a family.
Families are Forever
2 comments:
you are amazing! good luck with everything tomorrow. i'm praying for you!!!
You always make me cry with your posts, I am so excited for you to have your little princess girl. I know Kooper will be there when she arrives to make sure that you are ok and that his baby sister made it safely.
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