No words

Today at my ultrasound appointment they were running quite a bit behind for them. They are usually on time and you only wait a few minutes. Today they were 45 minutes behind! I am used to it at my regular OB's office, although I was a little worried I would be late picking Kade up from summer camp so I told the receptionist that when 11:15 rolls around if they haven't seen me I gotta go. I was sitting pretty close to the check-in window. The waiting room is really small and is about the size of a medium size bedroom so there isn't much privacy. I could hear the scheduler in the background calling to confirm appointments for the following day. I heard her say, "Oh, I'm so sorry" at that point I didn't think much of it and didn't really hear any more of the conversation. I hear the phone click and then her low voice in sympathy and embarrassment say to the receptionist. "Oh my gosh, the lady I just called to confirm her appointment lost her baby!"

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. It brought back so many memories of those times when I was asked about my baby and the person had no idea that I had lost him.

The scheduler told the receptionist, "I had no idea what to say, all I could say was I'm sorry."

Really that is all you can say. There are no words. There is nothing really that anyone can do but acknowledge it. The worst thing that she could have done was say something like, "Ok, I will remove you from the schedule." and completely ignore saying anything regarding her loss and ending the call or conversation.

Just wanted to share. It is so strange how once you have been through a trial you notice little things that you may normally not even realize or hear. Little sayings and quotes mean something completely different or bring back memories and emotions that you never thought you could have or never imagined you would have to go through.

As I get farther along my anxiety seems to increase but I think it really helps that I see her twice a week and then hear her little heartbeat when I see the doctor. It seems to calm me down for a the few days in between and then by the time it is my next appointment I am ready to see or hear her. I think I will finally be able to breathe when she comes out and is safe in my arms. She is an active little kicker, so that helps too. She lets me know she is alive and well with her strong kicks and punches! She passed her test today with flying colors: good fluid, good movement, and good breathing! I didn't get a picture because the U/S tech knew I was in a hurry and got right down to business!