My thoughts for today

Sometimes when I think back on the last year of my life it is so hard to believe that I have buried a child. A mother's worst nightmare. One of those things that you never think would happen to you. I am sitting in the nursery as we speak. Right now it is a jumble of a room. Still has all Kooper's boy decorations up along with a pile of things I have gotten for Kamryn and a bunch of storage boxes.. We thought we would wait until we found out what we were having to take down the boy decor. Now we know a little princess is on her way so it's time. I love every part of the decorations, but I want PINK for Kamryn. I still have a hard time calling it Kamryn's room. Maybe when it is decorated as her room I will be able to call it hers. Sometimes I am scared to decorate too much. I always have the what if's int he back of my head. For now to me it is the nursery. I never called it that before. It was Kooper's room. Ryan and I love the decor but we have decided that we don't know when or if we will ever have another boy and don't want such cute bedding to go to waste so we are going to sell all of it. I want another little boy to use it. It would make me so sad to see it sit in a closet until one day 20 years down the road it ends up unused. But still as I look back it is just so hard to imagine that I brought a perfect boy into this world and he was taken away so quickly. He is so special to our family. I couldn't imagine not having him be apart of our family. Even with all the pain and heartache I have felt over him not being here I am thankful that he belongs to our family. I am so grateful for eternal families and knowing that we will all be together again. I wish I could see what he would look like right now at almost 9 months old. It is a strange feeling as a mother because just carrying him for the short time I did I knew his personality. He was so different from Kade. It's crazy that not really seeing or hearing your baby but by movement you get a sense of their personality. I miss Kooper so much. I am glad that he talked God into sending us a little girl. Now I just pray that I will have the sanity to get through the last months of this pregnancy without too many anxiety attacks. I have an ultrasound in a few weeks and then after that I will go weekly up until she arrives. I get anxiety sometimes just thinking of the possibilities, but I just remind myself it is in the Lord's hands.

I like this quote that is in the book Angel Children by Mary V. Hill.
We cannot always understand the plans of the Almighty, but I feel that He does all thing well and that sometimes that thing that seems almost like a disaster is a blessing in disguise. The only thing that matters is that we keep the right attitude. It is only when we become bitter that we let it change our whole lives, but when we can keep our courage we keep our eyes upon the mark and still go on toward our destiny,. that is what matters. All these trials become purifying influences in our lives and leave us purer gold by and by. - Melvin J. Ballard.

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER