I don’t know if I have written about if much here on the blog (I forget what I write) but after we lost Kooper I felt like I was the only person in the world who had lost a baby right before they were born. I hadn’t heard of it happening very much and I felt like no one understood me. I didn’t know what people thought of the circumstance and I felt like they were considering my loss similar to a miscarriage. Though a miscarriage has to come with pain and heartache having your baby at 38 and a half weeks die is different. I am not trying to minimize anyone else’s loss, I am just saying it’s different. Although I have never experienced a miscarriage I have talked to mother’s who have experienced both miscarriage and stillbirth and through their experiences they are different. Nobody else has really met that baby but you. You have felt their kicks and hiccups for weeks and weeks. They already have a routine if you pay attention. You have an idea of their personality and in most peoples mind once you reach 32 weeks it seems like if anything were to go wrong they would just have to stay in the NICU for a little bit. Not many even have a thought or consider that something could go wrong. I still wonder when I tell people about Kooper, especially when they are asking how many kids I have and Include him if they think of it as a miscarriage and think it’s silly that I would tell them about a child that I never raised outside of tummy. I never shared pictures of Kooper’s service (only a couple) on the blog and I decided to share it because I am ready now and I have been for a while I just never thought to do it until recently when I was looking back to older post.
Because we didn’t have any family here in Arizona none of our family was able to see our beautiful perfect little boy after he was born so we decided to have a viewing. I was a little worried as to what he would look like once he had been embalmed. I wanted the service to be just our family and very close friends. Now that I look back I wish I would have opened it to anyone that wanted to come. Ryan works for a very large company and he had so many friends and coworkers there for him and our family. I too had many coworkers and friends that were there for me but it felt strange to me that the possibility of all these people that I didn’t know watching me grieve. I think it all went back to my feeling that nobody understood.
My Mom brought this blanket for him to be buried in. It was my blessing blanket. He looked so handsome in this little blessing outfit. I was so grateful to Jenna and her Mom for finding it for me! I was so lucky to again find the same blessing outfit after we had Keegan because they stopped making it. Kade gave his monkey to Kooper. All the kids have their own monkey now. This is one of my most favorite pictures of Kade.
After the burial we went back to the church where the viewing was held and had lunch.My Mom bought this picture from above that says, “All of God’s grace in one sweet little face.” Flowers from Ryan’s Mom and the Memorial Service Program was put together by Ryan’s cousin Leigh. I loved it, she did such an amazing job!
Many may think that I am weird or it is weird that I am holding a 1 and a half week old baby at Kooper service. Yes I had a hard time around babies, but not this one, not SaraJane! It probably helped that she was a girl, I still missed my baby but SJ was like my baby too! It felt so good to be holding a baby because that is what I had waited 9 months to do, but at the same time it was heartbreaking that it wasn’t Kooper. I love her so much!
We love and miss you so much Kooper! You are on our minds daily and we always feel like someone is missing in out family. You have helped motivate me to be a better person and be the best I can be so that we can be together again.