Triggers

I really need to update the blog with some pictures. My parents are visiting and we are having fun! The kids love it and I always enjoy hanging out with my parents. Ryan does too. Kade is on spring break and it is much easier for me to enjoy him when I have help keeping him entertained and occupied.


As I was driving to work  I started having thoughts of Kooper and started thinking of a blog post about these random thoughts I have had lately. It all flowed through my brain nicely and I knew that once I was able to try and get it out of my brain and onto the computer it wasn’t going to come out so nicely. Oh well. It’s written.

I have come to realize a trigger for my sadness and grief over Kooper. Usually I can talk about him, I can think about him and Kade can mention him and I smile. I miss him but I can still be happy within that moment. My heart doesn’t hurt badly and I can breath and everything is alright. I can look at my friends little girl SaraJane and not always think of Kooper. But one thing that takes me right back to that spot where my heart hurts is seeing pictures of a father and mother holding their new baby, so happy, proud and excited. Even the pictures of me holding my other kids bring back all those memories and make me a little sad. Sad that I didn’t get that. I originally thought that it was seeing baby pictures of SaraJane as a newborn. Sometimes seeing those pictures make my mind wonder. Not only do I miss him but I miss what could have been. How Jenna and I would have them play together, dress them in similar clothes oh the possibilities.

The piano music by Paul Cardell also takes me back to his funeral where it was playing in the background. It takes me back to staying up into the night listening to the music and staring at pictures of my baby bawling my eyes out. I am listening to it now only it doesn’t make me cry (usually).

I can’t even fathom right now how my life would be with him here with me. How would I handle 3 under 3 and a 5 year old? I would give anything to have it but I know it isn’t how God planned. I know I could do it. I may start sprouting grey hair a little earlier than planned but every grey hair would be worth it. Who of the three would Kade like the best? It is hard for me to imagine. I think it makes it easier when looking at little 2-3 year old boys. Because I have not seen Kooper at that age it doesn’t sting so bad. But seeing him as a newborn baby, I know what he looks like I can imagine him cradled in my arms and smell the sweet smell of baby and rubbing his soft hair on his head. Oh how I love that baby hair!

It sounds weird but I am grateful for those times where I get sad because it grounds me and reminds me of my eternal goal and being a better wife and mother. It makes me want to be better and it makes him real. As time has gone on it feels like it was all a dream as the sadness and pain gets easier to cope with. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little monkey. He is never far from my mind.

Miss him!