"My cup is full." That is all I could say to Ryan as we drove home from Home Depot and tears just streaming down my face. The Home Depot trip started when I decided that if my dog had one more "accident" he wouldn't make it another week in my house. He has been potty trained. He went a long time without having these "accidents" and over the past few months they have increased quite a bit. So when we left Home Depot with no doggy door I knew I was in for another morning of waking up to another accident. Who knows where I would find it. We didn't get a doggy door because we couldn't find one that goes in the sliding glass door that actually locks. So basically our sliding glass door couldn't be locked if we had it.
It is always the little things that end up filling up my cup and then it spills over. I let all these little and big things build until something small and stupid happens and then it spills and I feel bad for the person that did that little thing that pushed it over the rim.
For a while I was known as the mean mom at Kade's daycare because they lost his cup for the umpteenth time even with a note in his cubby saying don't remove this cup. (long story) I went off on the helpless young lady and stormed out of there in tears...over a cup!
It's not just the cup, it's not just the doggy door. It's the things I wish I could change or have control over.
I just don't know what to do but to pray that I will know what to do. When I made the decisions that have upset me most I don't really think I prayed about them, I just figured they are what I'm supposed to do so that me and my family could have a wonderful, good life.
#1- Going to school, smart decision. The amount of money it cost me, not so smart. Now I'm stuck working in a field that is not my favorite because my student loans are outrageous! I do have to say I don't mind working in sleep...it's better than the hospital, but the nights are getting to me.
#2- Buying a house. Smart decision. Supposedly the best investment you can make because normally it doesn't depreciate....
#3- Buying a car at the wrong time...kind of like buying a house at the wrong time. Or maybe I just should have went for the used car...we needed a car but probably not a brand new one.
Those are the big things, all the little things in life that overwhelm me most I don't even have control over, they just add up little by little...until it spills.
I can't help but wonder if I would have prayed about these big things first, if my life would be different right now. If I would have made different choices.
I never pictured myself being a stay at home mom. I don't think I have the patience for it. But during my time off on bed rest before Kooper was born being home with Kade made me realize how much I love to spend time with him. It made me realize how I really didn't want to have to put my baby in daycare. As I am expecting Kamryn coming now I am feeling the anxiety of having her in daycare and my heart yearns to stay home with her and Kade.
So now I am praying, praying that hopefully I will know what to do and that things will work out.
I am sorry for the rant, but I think it will help me get this all off my chest. I guess it could be worse. I could have no job, or other horrible things. I should be thankful for all the things I have and I am. I am thanful for my health, my family, the gospel, and much much more.
2 comments:
I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.
Those days when the cup spills are always hard. It's hard not to wonder at times how our lives would be different had we made other decisions.
I'll pray that peace can come and that your heart and mind can rest from some of the worries and cares you have at this time.
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