Thoughts....

As I have now reached the 20 week mark alot goes through my head. I am so excited for this little guy to come but I get so nervous too. Now that we have reached this mark it reminds me that if anything were to go wrong that we would have to bury another baby. That I would have another hole in my heart. Especially as each day I feel him kicking more and more and getting stronger and stronger. I do have faith. I have to have faith in God's plan for our family. But it still lingers in the back of my head. Sometimes I worry that something might happen. I have a hard time buying things for him. Today at the mall as I looked at cute little boy outfits that I sooooo badly wanted to buy, even if someone handed me money and told me to shop for him I would probably do it, but part of me is scared to shop for him to buy more boy clothes. I still have a pile of clothes that were bought for Kooper. I am sure it will get easier, I mean I did it with Kamryn. I bought her lots of stuff. Although I did keep every receipt until she was born, but I think it's harder for me especially since he is a boy. I guess I am a little scared to plan too much. I was so ready for Kooper. Not one thing was left to buy or one thing was left to do before he came. I was just waiting. And then to hear that I wasn't bringing him home was devastating. The bassinet was all set up right by my bed. I don't think it came down until weeks later. I wouldn't change being prepared for him because now I have all these things that remind me of him, but I am still scared. I don't let it consume me. I am enjoying my pregnancy and love to feel him kick. I am taking it one day at a time. I am excited for him to join our family. I am excited to have another baby boy around the house. Kamryn needs all the protection she can get. What a lucky sister she will be to have 3 brothers looking out for her!

Which reminds me, today as I was watching the story of the Duggar family and the birth of their little premature baby girl Kade walked in and saw all those brothers and sisters standing around looking at their little sister. He thought it was a boy baby. He said, "I have a brother too, his name is Kooper!" This brought a smile to my face! I love that boy!

Big and Blah! - 20 weeks!

Today I am feeling....big and blah. Now that Kade and Kamryn are getting over their colds I guess it is my turn. I must of contracted it being the comforter to their crying form ear infections or coughs and wiping their little runny noses. But they are worth it. I am all congested and my head feels huge! Not only that in the past week or so I feel like I have ballooned. I am starting to look pregnant and I am feeling the baby kicking all the time. I am 20 weeks pregnant now. Only 17 weeks to go! Well that's the plan for now. Hopefully this cold goes as fast as it came and I can get on with being a happy and healthy Mommy.

So I had Ryan take my picture tonight of my belly. I decided to wear the same shirt that he took of my 20 week pregnant belly with Kamryn. Here is the comparison.

I can't beleive a made it a whole month posting every day. 1 down 11 to go!

Please Vote

The TV show The Doctors are letting you vote for a topic to be discussed on the show. Stillbirth is such a taboo topic. Doctors don't talk about it much, (I bet if you asked they would) but most pregnant women don't think to even ask because it seems like something that used to happen. It still happens. I think it would be a great topic to put out there in the public and help make more pregnant women aware of the possibilities. All you do is go to the website http://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/idea_comment/3963 , you do have to create an account to vote, but please do! I knew that stillbirth was fairly common 1/100 and have met many women who have experienced a loss like mine, but it is when you click on the site you can see comments below and almost everyone of them say that it happened to them and most of them as I did, had no clue that it was that common or that it could happen to them. I hope they pick that topic because I would love to see what information they might say about that topic.

Spread the word!

Thanks!

Don't get mad....get glad!

Earlier today Kade got in trouble and I yelled at him. He kept saying, "Don't get mad Mom!"

Fast forward to later tonight, we were watching TV and the Glad trash bag commercial came on. Kade says, "See Mom, Don't get mad, get glad!"

Sometime kids are so cute....then he tried to get me to stay longer by asking if I would read him scriptures.

4 years

Today at Target the cashier notices Kade making Kamryn laugh and then asked how far apart they are. I told her 4 years and her reply was "Oh" using a tone like she was surprised. The way I took it was that she thought I waited too long and had them too far apart. If only she knew. If only she knew that there was a sweet little Angel between them. It wasn't the time or the place. When it is appropriate I tell people as much as possible about my precious little boy. One night at work I felt comfortable talking to my patient. She was older and friendly. She was asking about my kids and I told her about all of them. She too had a stillborn little boy only she had to carry him for weeks after he had passed. The doctors told her that her body would naturally go in to labor.

We pass people on the street everyday, we don't know there situation and it is amazing when people open their shell and tell us about their experience and how much we can actually relate to a strangers trial. I would have never guessed that my patient had experienced something similar, although her experience was much different because they handled it so differently 30 years ago, but the heartache is still the same.

Sometimes I wish people just knew about Kooper, but then maybe no one would want to talk to me. Or they mighte not want to bring up how many children I have, or ask questions that might bring up Kooper because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Ultrasound

So the ultrasound this morning went well. I have been having fears and have been a little worried but after this level II ultrasound where it is a little more in depth then your normal 20 week ultrasound everything looks GREAT! I was a little worried, thinking something could possibly wrong, because I have learned that just because something goes wrong once doesn't mean you could be thrown a different curve ball. I came across a blog of a mother who had 2 healthy boys and then had a stillborn little boy at 7 months pregnant and when she got pregnant again her 4th little boy had serious heart problems and has already had to undergo an open heart surgery and soon will undergo another one. Because no one really talks about the fact that your baby could actually die and me being naive thought it could never happen to me, but you never know. So maybe that makes me a pessimist, but I felt a little betrayed when my baby died at 38 weeks. You think once you reach 30 weeks that everything is going to be fine...even 28 things could still be fine, rough but fine.

So things are great. The placenta is right where Kamryn's was and I think God knows that for me to be not as crazy paranoid as I would have been that it needed to be there. Kamryn's placenta was in the front of my uterus and I don't know exactly where Kade and Kooper's was, but not there. So I am thankful for that. I talked with one of the perinatologist after and she let me know that I will be taken care of just as I had been with Kamryn. She said the chance of having another cord accident is so unlikely but she didn't want to be the doctor to say that and not have me watched closely and then have it happen again. She was really nice.

He was moving like crazy in there. He is measuring 6 days bigger, but I am not surprised since at my first ultrasound they moved my due date back based on it. I am sure it will stay the same, but that's fine with me.

I am feeling pretty good about things and am just so happy that everything looks good.Here are a few shots of our little guy. We also got a reconfirmation that he definately is a he!

This one is a profile view and he has his hand resting on his forehead.

Here is his hand. At one point he was just doing the thumbs up!

Random thoughts on "the baby"

Today I was telling Kade that tomorrow we get to go see the baby. I am having my "20 week" ultrasound. I will be 20 weeks in only a couple days. Wow it's already gone by so fast. I am already more than halfway done since I know I will be induced. Kade is excited to see the baby on the ultrasound. He went over to Kamryn and started baby talking to her saying." Do you want to see the baby?" and he asked her that over and over. I think it's the first time I have ever really thought that she won't be the baby. Of course I thought of her as already being a big sister so soon. Kade was our baby until he was just too big to call a baby although he will always be my baby. It's just funny to think about that for the first time. At 11 months old she will no longer be the baby.

Kade then pointed out that I have three babies, Kooper, Kamryn and the one in my tummy! He is a funny boy. We still haven't completely decided on a name yet. We are leaning towards using both of them. Ryan even considered waiting until he was born to decide for sure, but honestly I hate referring to him as anything but a name. I don't really know what my deal is. I just want him to have a name. Last night I dreamt that we used the name I like, Krue. But I think it will probably end up being Keegan Krue Perry. Then he can go by whatever he wants, or we can call him whatever seems to fit better. Ryan thinks its funny because if you say the first and middle name together fast it sounds German, especially if you are using a German accent. I don't know, guess we will continue the discussion and one day agree completely on something.

One reason I like Krue over Keegan is that Krue sounds more masculine to me. Also I don't want anyone shortening his name and calling him Keeg. I have never been one to shorten names or use nicknames. I call my older sister BreeAnn, rarely do I call her Bree. I never shorten Kamryn's name. You can't shorten Kade's. Anyways I just like Krue and that's that, but Krue Keegan Perry doesn't sound as good.

I am a little nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes and post some pics.

Hopefully I will get to bed early. I didn't get much sleep last night and tomorrow is an early morning (at least for me).

Just now I decided that I am not going to put up a poll but you can tell me (leave a comment) what name you like better....haha I don't want it to be anonymous! If you don't like either name you can leave a suggestion for a name you do like, but remember it has to start with a K!