My thoughts for today

Sometimes when I think back on the last year of my life it is so hard to believe that I have buried a child. A mother's worst nightmare. One of those things that you never think would happen to you. I am sitting in the nursery as we speak. Right now it is a jumble of a room. Still has all Kooper's boy decorations up along with a pile of things I have gotten for Kamryn and a bunch of storage boxes.. We thought we would wait until we found out what we were having to take down the boy decor. Now we know a little princess is on her way so it's time. I love every part of the decorations, but I want PINK for Kamryn. I still have a hard time calling it Kamryn's room. Maybe when it is decorated as her room I will be able to call it hers. Sometimes I am scared to decorate too much. I always have the what if's int he back of my head. For now to me it is the nursery. I never called it that before. It was Kooper's room. Ryan and I love the decor but we have decided that we don't know when or if we will ever have another boy and don't want such cute bedding to go to waste so we are going to sell all of it. I want another little boy to use it. It would make me so sad to see it sit in a closet until one day 20 years down the road it ends up unused. But still as I look back it is just so hard to imagine that I brought a perfect boy into this world and he was taken away so quickly. He is so special to our family. I couldn't imagine not having him be apart of our family. Even with all the pain and heartache I have felt over him not being here I am thankful that he belongs to our family. I am so grateful for eternal families and knowing that we will all be together again. I wish I could see what he would look like right now at almost 9 months old. It is a strange feeling as a mother because just carrying him for the short time I did I knew his personality. He was so different from Kade. It's crazy that not really seeing or hearing your baby but by movement you get a sense of their personality. I miss Kooper so much. I am glad that he talked God into sending us a little girl. Now I just pray that I will have the sanity to get through the last months of this pregnancy without too many anxiety attacks. I have an ultrasound in a few weeks and then after that I will go weekly up until she arrives. I get anxiety sometimes just thinking of the possibilities, but I just remind myself it is in the Lord's hands.

I like this quote that is in the book Angel Children by Mary V. Hill.
We cannot always understand the plans of the Almighty, but I feel that He does all thing well and that sometimes that thing that seems almost like a disaster is a blessing in disguise. The only thing that matters is that we keep the right attitude. It is only when we become bitter that we let it change our whole lives, but when we can keep our courage we keep our eyes upon the mark and still go on toward our destiny,. that is what matters. All these trials become purifying influences in our lives and leave us purer gold by and by. - Melvin J. Ballard.

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER

A new day and a wonderful husband.

I couldn't stand knowing that I had such a negative blog post as the first thing on my blog. Yesterday was just a bad day, today is a new day. I got up and decided that there are many things I cannot change and the serenity prayer came to my mind. I first heard this prayer from my mother-in-law as I dreaded the day Ryan would leave for college:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

So I am just taking things day by day choosing to be happy because there are some things I just cannot change.

I was looking through some old pictures and found this one of Ryan holding Kade. I just want to let my husband know how much I love him and that he is such a great Dad.

Kooper with his Daddy!

I look forward to that day when he will hold and reunite with his son again! And I am excited for the day he will get to hold his baby girl!

By the way...he is cooking me dinner right now!

My cup has spilt....

"My cup is full." That is all I could say to Ryan as we drove home from Home Depot and tears just streaming down my face. The Home Depot trip started when I decided that if my dog had one more "accident" he wouldn't make it another week in my house. He has been potty trained. He went a long time without having these "accidents" and over the past few months they have increased quite a bit. So when we left Home Depot with no doggy door I knew I was in for another morning of waking up to another accident. Who knows where I would find it. We didn't get a doggy door because we couldn't find one that goes in the sliding glass door that actually locks. So basically our sliding glass door couldn't be locked if we had it.

It is always the little things that end up filling up my cup and then it spills over. I let all these little and big things build until something small and stupid happens and then it spills and I feel bad for the person that did that little thing that pushed it over the rim.

For a while I was known as the mean mom at Kade's daycare because they lost his cup for the umpteenth time even with a note in his cubby saying don't remove this cup. (long story) I went off on the helpless young lady and stormed out of there in tears...over a cup!

It's not just the cup, it's not just the doggy door. It's the things I wish I could change or have control over.

I just don't know what to do but to pray that I will know what to do. When I made the decisions that have upset me most I don't really think I prayed about them, I just figured they are what I'm supposed to do so that me and my family could have a wonderful, good life.

#1- Going to school, smart decision. The amount of money it cost me, not so smart. Now I'm stuck working in a field that is not my favorite because my student loans are outrageous! I do have to say I don't mind working in sleep...it's better than the hospital, but the nights are getting to me.

#2- Buying a house. Smart decision. Supposedly the best investment you can make because normally it doesn't depreciate....

#3- Buying a car at the wrong time...kind of like buying a house at the wrong time. Or maybe I just should have went for the used car...we needed a car but probably not a brand new one.

Those are the big things, all the little things in life that overwhelm me most I don't even have control over, they just add up little by little...until it spills.

I can't help but wonder if I would have prayed about these big things first, if my life would be different right now. If I would have made different choices.

I never pictured myself being a stay at home mom. I don't think I have the patience for it. But during my time off on bed rest before Kooper was born being home with Kade made me realize how much I love to spend time with him. It made me realize how I really didn't want to have to put my baby in daycare. As I am expecting Kamryn coming now I am feeling the anxiety of having her in daycare and my heart yearns to stay home with her and Kade.

So now I am praying, praying that hopefully I will know what to do and that things will work out.
I am sorry for the rant, but I think it will help me get this all off my chest. I guess it could be worse. I could have no job, or other horrible things. I should be thankful for all the things I have and I am. I am thanful for my health, my family, the gospel, and much much more.

To my scrapbooking friends and even those who don't scrapbook - Angel of Mine Charity Collab

To all digital scrapbookers out there I want to share with you this kit. It is a special kit made in honor of Alexis. I have become friends with Alexis' Mom Amy. Alexis is up in heaven keeping Kooper company. All of the proceeds will go to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. They are a non-profit organization that has many volunteers! They took pictures of our Kooper and made a beautiful video for us of our precious Angel. They help so many families have something to remember their sweet babies by. I have posted below a little preview of the kit but if you click here you can purchase it and see more of what you get in the kit. It is very inexpensive and it goes to such a great cause that is so close to my heart. Please share with everyone you know. This orgnanization deserves it!

Boys and their toys!

Last night Kade was fighting the whole bed time things so I told him he could lay on the couch, if he were to get off the couch then he would go to his room. Well I was a little pre-occupied with some other things and he was really quiet so I didn't think to check on him. I could tell from the kitchen that he was on the couch and being pretty quiet especially for an almost 4 year old. When it was silent and I could tell he was fast asleep I walked over to the couch and this is what I found.

Take notice that none of these toys really relate...hammer, bat, Buzz, Batman, dinosaur...very random.

New flowers for Kooper

Sometimes I really wish that I took more time in choosing Kooper's resting place. The cemetery he is buried at has been frustrating me to no end. Every time I go I end up mad and that isn't the feeling that I want to have after visiting the burial site of my sweet little boy. It seemed so perfect him being buried in Babyland with lots of other little babies. There are just so many restrictions on what you can do and not everybody get effected by these rules. There is a rule that nothing can be sticking in the ground, although I see a few with wrought iron shepherds hooks or the flag holders where you can put flags for different holidays. Well I had a cute little firefly wrought iron stick and I put it far into the ground so it wasn't drawing much attention and when we would visit it was pulled out of the ground and put in the vase. I would just put it back and then one day we came and it was gone. I am not sure if the cemetery removed it or if someone stole it. But as I looked around everybody else who had something similar, theirs was still intact. I let it go and said to myself rules are rules. So Tuesday we decided to get some Easter decorations and go put them up. I got these cute little eggs that you can stick in floral decorations or the ground. We went to the cemetery and when I got there his sunflowers were gone, his vase was bent like it got ran over. I am guessing that it got run over by their little golf carts they drive around or someone who has no respect and traded their vase for ours. They are removable so when you aren't using them you turn them upside down and they are stored in the ground. I was so upset. Luckily that day my cup wasn't full so I didn't completely flip out. We went down the road to Michael's and I bought some new flowers and a squirt bottle to clean off his marker. I am afraid if I call the cemetery I might just start bawling to the point that they won't even understand me, or start yelling at them which would get me no where. I am hoping I can get Ryan to do it on his next day off. I am hoping they will replace his vase and maybe they will stop driving their golf carts over peoples headstones and enforce the same rules for anybody or let me do the same. I know they drive the carts over headstones because I have seen the tracks.

Sometimes I wish I would have had the money for a nice bench so there was no way they were running over my baby. But since Kooper died before he was able to take a breath outside my tummy he wasn't covered under any sort of life insurance so we didn't have $15,000 to spend on a nicer marker. I know it doesn't really matter. I am sure Kooper could care less what kind of marker he has. One day I will fight for that right for parents who lose their babies. He is a baby that if born would have easily survived and there should be no reason why he wasn't covered under life insurance. He is no different than Kade or any other baby. That is a whole other post.

Sorry this turned into a negative post, I just feel like there isn't much more I can do for Kooper right now and to make the place where his body is laid beautiful.

The bent vase....

Bowling

On Monday's Ryan started going bowling with his co-workers. He used to bowl in Jr. leagues when he was younger and after high school kept up his bowling until he moved down here to AZ. Well he is back in the groove. He is enjoying it and is getting better all the time. For Christmas he got a new ball and some shoes that actually fit. Anyway Kade and I decided to join him last Monday night. Kade did a little break dancing after every time he bowled. It was really cute. Here are some pics.

Waiting for his ball.

Doing some breakdancing and Daddy waiting for a high-five.

Ribbon, Ribbon, and more Ribbon

Since finding out I was pregnant again my friend Jenna kept saying I hope it's a girl so we can make fun bows, because she is the expert bow maker. After I found out it was a girl the next time I was in Mesa visiting we headed to the ribbon store and there we found the cutest ribbon boards to hold all your cute bows and this really cute lamp decorated with different ribbon. So last Monday Jenna and I took another trip to the ribbon store and bought all the supplies to make a ribbon board and then off to Kmart for a lamp.


Here are the finished boards....

Kamryn's

SarahJane's

This is the lampshade that I made...using coordinating ribbon.

Spring Training

Yesterday my Mom, Kade and I went to a spring training game in Tempe. My Mom is an Angels fan so we went to see the Angels vs the Rockies. It was a good game. I don't even know who won because we left a little early. We had lots of fun and got to soak up some sun too! Here are a few pictures. Kade had the most fun playing on the bleachers and repeating everything the guy behind us yelled. Fortunately he watched what he was saying or the crowd around us may have heard my little boy use some bad words! We went to look at the merchandise to see if they had any cool hats but there wasn't much that would fit Kade. He really wanted those miniature wooden bats, but the only thing that was running through my mind was him having a temper tantrum and the things he could do with it. Who knows what would happen to my house or our dog....I wouldn't trust my kid with a bat! So in the last picture of the day he wasn't very happy as you can see. He didn't get his way.

Angel's Dugout

Grandma Keren and Kade

My little MONKEY!

8 months goes by so fast. It feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital holding my Kooper. I can hardly believe that today he would have been 8 months old! I miss him so much I can hardly find words. Yesterday morning I was talking to a relative of another Angel Mommy. As she told the story of her granddaughter It brought back so many memories of my experience and I just started crying. I tell my patients at work about my kids all the time and that I am a proud Mom to 2 soon to be 3 wonderful kids. I let them know what happened to Kooper some dig further and ask for details others say I'm sorry and we move on. But He is and always will be apart of my everyday life. I am proud to be his Mom. It was just so weird to me that it was any other day and I guess hearing a friends story again that was so similar to mine just brought back the memories so vividly. Kooper is such a blessing to our family. He is loved and missed so much.

On Monday we went to visit our friends, RD and Jenna. We weren't able to be with them to celebrate RD's birthday, so we visited Monday and went to lunch. As we walked in to Red Robin I was holding there sweet little Sarah Jane. It made me think about how I could honestly be this pregnant with my almost 8 month old and then be chasing after my almost 4 year old. HOW CRAZY! I don't know how some of you women do it.

I love and miss you my little Monkey!



This is the monkey that is on his headstone and also his Memorial cards/program. I LOVE IT!

Fridays

Today I am feeling very lonely. Yes I will be spending time with my sweet husband and funny boy tonight, but sometimes it just really feels like someone important is missing. I think that I get that way especially when something doesn't go the way that I want it to. When I am somewhat disappointed that it didn't work out I look back on how and why my life sucks and then I realize that I have so many blessings. It's kind of like when you have had the worst day ever and then you get home and your child smiles at you, or your dog just runs up and starts licking your face because he can tell you are sad. I just want to hold my little boy.I don't want to do a poor me rant because I am lucky. I don't have to worry about Kooper I know he is in the best place ever and that I will be with him again. I don't have to worry about him going to school and getting with the wrong group of friends or worry he will fall away from the church. He will be there waiting for me and it's up to me to fulfill my end of the bargain so we can be together again. I worry constantly what the future holds for Kade. I hope he has the desire to have good friends,eventually go on a mission and to be married in the temple. Although Kooper is in a better place now I still miss my baby so much today. I wish I were doing this.... (wellnot exactly but holding my Kooper, you get the point)


Thursday nights and the days of Friday can still be hard for me. I went into the hospital on a Thursday night and had Kooper on Friday. Every Friday when I look at the clock I think of the time that I got to spend with him. I miss him so much. He is a blessing to our family and has made me a better person and a better Mom.

I just have to share a funny comment Kade made the other day. We were walking around in Sam's Club and got to the clothes. Kade picked up a little girls outfit and held it up to my belly and said, "Kamryn, do you like this?" and then a few seconds later looked at me and said, "Yep, she does."

I am off to go pick up Kade from daycare. I am sure he will fulfill that empty feeling when he runs up screaming "Mommy!"