For Kooper

I have expressed my feelings about this to some of my closest friends. My idea, how I will use my time when my kids get older, my mission for Kooper. I want to get a bill passed that will allow parents of a stillborn child to be able to claim them. Or to "count' them. To be able to count them on their taxes for that physical year and also have their child be counted as a person and get life insurance for their sweet baby. See to be able to do these things now your baby has to take 1 breath. That's all. Many people were like me and didn't realize or even fathom the fact that to some especially the state, the insurance companies and the IRS, your child that you carried for 9 months and gave birth to doesn't count even though hours before he appeared to be perfectly normal and healthy inside his Mommy.

No, it's not about the money, it is a little bit but you will see why as I explain below. It's not fair to those families out there that go full term or close enough to have a viable baby and then to have an unexpected event happen and lose their child. They still have to pay for a funeral service, a plot, flowers, a headstone. It is no different than any other child or baby. They still prepared just as much as any other family, they still had to pay the exact same medical bills. They are just as much a part of the family, they are a real person.

I didn't express this on my blog last year although it was like Amy said in her post, "a kick in the gut". When you go to do your taxes or you call the insurance company only to find out that your baby doesn't count. You prepared, you gave birth to this child, that doesn't count? It doesn't count for anything? These babies deserve to be "counted". They were a life that was viable outside their mother's womb. They could have survived if they had the chance. They are your child.

Please read Amy's post. It is so true. It touched my heart I am so glad that she is able to have her baby "count". It reminded me of my goal. My goal to fight for those stillborn babies that were alive in their Mother and could have very well lived outside the womb if only we knew they just needed to be out to live. One day I will fight. I will fight my hardest to be heard, to get stillbirth recognized and those sweet angel babies acknowledged by others and the IRS and insurance companies. It was a slap in the face to find out that he didn't count. We were kicked when we were already down. I don't want more parents to experience that. When they are going through unexplainable grief they shouldn't have to worry about how they are going to pay for a casket, a plot, a marker, flowers, and all the other costs. When they go to do their taxes and the question asked if they had a baby this year they shouldn't have to check the answer yes, but then also mark that the baby was stillborn (so he doesn't count).

One day Kooper, hopefully I will have made a difference, I will have changed something. I will have done something in your honor because I believe that you do matter and you do count, so should everyone else.

I hope this all came out right, and came across the way I wanted it. I wish I would have blogged about it last year, when my feelings were so fresh. I wish I could fight now for these babies and their families, but I have my hands full and I don't think I could do as good of a job being 5 months pregnant and little ones at home. I want to be able to put my whole heart and self into it. For Kooper.

Naptime

I went and took a nap in our bedroom since I have to work tonight. I came out to see if they were watching the Superbowl and this is what I found...



all of them asleep on the couch! What a good Daddy, he even got Kade to take a nap.

She wants to be on the move!

Kamryn is getting ready to start crawling. When she is sitting up or laying down she doesn't stay that way for long she rolls to her belly and gets in her crawling position. Sometimes she just rocks back and forth. In the video I took of her tonight she really wants her toy and reaches and reaches and then tries to get up to crawl and realizes she can't move and goes back to her belly. She has learned to scoot backwards, but can't seem to scoot forward. I will definitely be excited and happy when she does start crawling but I wouldn't be sad if it didn't happen for quite a while. I know she still has a while, but I don't look forward to chasing her around and having her pick up every little thing and put them in her mouth. She is just growing so fast!

Silence

Ahhhhhhh.....silence. I love the silence right now. Kade and Kamryn are asleep and I finally have a little time to myself. This is something that I am starting to struggle with just a little bit. I work less and so my main job is just being a Mom. It's hard. Before when I was working full time hours I felt that it was okay that I don't do the dishes today or that my house is not clean because I have a whole other job and I deserve a break. Now that most of my work is being a mom and taking care of my kids, which I do love, I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. I love my kids very much but I feel like I don't ever have time to myself or silence. Kamryn isn't loud but Kade is. He is fun to be around but today he was driving me CRAZY! The kids went to bed early...well at least Kade did. I needed some time to myself before I went crazy. Now the house needs picked up and clothes washed and folded and I just want to do nothing. Well actually that's a lie. This is what I want to do and if I manage to find a babysitter by next Saturday night this is what I will be doing: Going to the Olive Garden with Ryan and then off to a movie. That's all I want!
I am done now. I am done whining. I love my life and my kids and I should just get over it! I am sure there will come a day when I just want them to be home, I want them to bug me and they won't.

Dear Kade,
Could you please not strip down to your underwear and refuse to put your clothes back on. Also would you please stop getting every toy imaginable out. I don't like your excuse when it is time to clean up that your can't because your hands are full of other toys. Thanks for telling me that you love me and for brushing my hair this morning! One more thing.....don't scare your sister. I love you!
Mommy


Dear Kooper,
Could you please watch over your siblings? I am sure you already are but I just thourght I would ask. Visit us often and make me prouder than I already am. I love and miss you! XOXOXO
Mommy

Dear Kamryn,
You did such a good job sleeping through the night last night, could you please keep doing it? I enjoy the regular 8 hours but 11 hours is unbelievable! You are such a cute chubby girl, you have no idea what is coming, but I hope you love babies! I love you!
Mommy

Krue or Keegan or whatever your name is....baby.
Continue to kick me as much as you want. I always enjoy it. It eases my mind. Continue to grow and be a healthy baby and don't do any funny stuff like flip around too much. I don't want you to get tangled in your cord. I can't wait to meet you....well actually I can wait, but I am very excited. I love you!
Mommy

Ryan,
Thanks for listening to my crazy theories or superstitions. Thanks for being a good husband. I miss you. Thanks for not complaining about the things that I don't get done. These new work hours stink but I know that we will SURVIVE! I love you!
Kami

Journals

Yesterday as I was reading my sisters blog post I went to comment on something that I have felt is very important and then something happened and my whole comment was deleted and I had typed it form my phone and it was kind of long. Then I thought it would be a great post to write about tomorrow so here I am. You can read her post here.

As I read the quote she referred to in her blog post,"The palest ink is more than the greatest memory" Immediately I thought of Journaling about your life, and about all the experiences you have had. How even if you had the best memory there is and don't forget anything, what happens when you die? Whose memory will live on to tell your stories to the next generations? Plus how likely do you think that parts will be missed or facts will be changed? Wouldn't it be neat to have a journal of your great-great-grandparents or even just your mom? To hear the horror stories of the terrible things that you did as a child and how much she still loved every inch of you? Or how even though she was so, so mad when she screamed at you that it wasn't really your fault that maybe she had alot on her mind or on her plate?

As Ashley talks about her struggle with this college course I see her great great grandchildren reading her Journal (her blog) and finding out that they have that same fear. To know that they aren't alone and that they can overcome it.

I have never been a good journaler. An inspiration came from a missionary that came over for dinner shortly after Kooper died. He wanted to share his testimony and a spiritual thought about journaling. Someone in his family had the journal of one of his great great great grandma's. In that journal she talked about her conversion to the church and she lived and was a member around the time that Joseph Smith was translating the Book of Mormon. She talked about how he was always tucked away doing work. She also talked about how much her father was against her going to these meetings. How neat is that? There was more there that I don't remember. But I knew that it would be important for me to tell my story. For me to document my life for the generations to come. Maybe my experience will help on of my great great granddaughters through a tough trial of losing a child. Or maybe they will see my faith in my journaling and it will help them gain a testimony of their faith. Or maybe they will just laugh at the random things that I post and wonder what was wrong with their crazy Grandma! But I hope I can at least make them laugh.

So Ashley even though you think sometimes your posts are boring. They may seem like it to you, but when your kids and grandkids go back and read, they won't think so. They will probably relate to your stories. Plus it's a good thing you are doing this blogging everyday thing with me, how likely do you think you would have blogged about your class last night?

Priceless

Kamryn had the biggest blow out she has had in a while. She is now off of her antibiotics, but it seems like she is still on them with the way she has been pooping lately. I am not used to all these super wet diapers! The unfortunate thing is that she loves to poop when she is in her jumperoo. Well she was in her jumperoo for a good 45 minutes having a great time and then all of sudden she started to fuss. I went over and picked her up, went back down to have her sit on my lap, and that's when I felt wet. Yes felt not smelt! My nose is plugged up so I didn't even smell it at first anyway. It was all coming out the back of her pants and such a mess. Who knows how long she was sitting in it. I am so used to her having harder poops. I must say that this is much better on her than that, but the mess is horrible. I couldn't even wrap the diaper up because it was on the back side of the diaper. Sorry if that's a little TMI. I ended up throwing the lap pad away that I had her laying on.

Right now she is so cute, sucking away on her bottle and her eyes closing such a tired girl. How can something so yucky come out of something so cute?

1 package of diapers - $10

Baby Wipes - $3

New lap pad - $3

The joy of seeing your cute little baby smile after you make their poopy diaper all better - PRICELESS!

I can't wait until it's my bed time!!

Family Pictures

It has been a while since we had a family picture. We don't have one with Kamryn and I wanted to get some done before I got really big. We went to Sears and I will never go there again. I said that about JCPenny when they wouldn't let Kade wear his shoes on their white background when he was much younger, but I am not too happy with the pictures. Kade did great and we got some great ones of him but Kamryn wasn't too happy which left us with not very many cute pictures of her and it also made it really hard to get a good family photo. By the time she got Kamryn to smile Kade was off in never never land. So this is what we ended up with.

I was a little sad that I didn't get a really good one of the two of them together.

Kade got 2 good pictures and he called it a day.

This one could have been soooooo cute...but miss princess was done. She was tired and wanted nothing to do with the camera!