Wednesday, January 11, 2012

New Year!

I am back to blogging. That was a long break (for me anyway). I wanted to blog but since I got my iphone I have barely been on my computer.I was also hoping to get pictures from Christmas from Ryan’s phone onto the computer and it still hasn’t happened so I am just going to do it with what I have got.

It’s been crazy lately, just before Christmas I was in a car accident and luckily none of us had to go to the hospital but our car was totaled and we were supposed to be leaving for Utah in less than a week. At the time we hadn’t confirmed that our car was totaled so we had to rent a car in the meantime and luckily it all worked out so we could take the rental to Utah. So between finding a new car, getting settled back into a routine, going to doctors appointments and everything else it’s been crazy stressful! I am the type of person that keeps filling all these little worries and bothers in a cup and then the littlest thing fills up the rest of my cup and it just spills right over. I really need to work on that. Luckily recently as I sensed the fullness I decided to pray, because I knew that no one else could really do anything besides listen to me complain and really who wants to listen, (by the way sorry Mom and Ryan for always having to listen to it!) Sometimes I like using my blog as an outlet because once it’s written down it is almost a relief and I can move on. Some things that have been adding to my cup that I have wanted to get out

I miss Kooper. Lately I have had moments where I am upset that I didn’t get to fight and plead for his life. Some people get a chance to plead to heavenly father to spare the life of their child.

I am sad that Kooper would have been a SUNBEAM in church. He would be a big boy that goes to Primary!  It makes me sad.

I never thought I was attached to my car and the funny thing is we ended up buying the exact same year, and color of car so unless you are familiar with some of the little differences in my car you would never know I got a new one. But my old car had so many memories in it. I was pregnant with Kooper when we got it. I carried his car seat around in it. I drove to many doctors appointments in it. I drove myself to the hospital in it and then followed the hearse that carried him to the cemetery in it. It’s a weird feeling but I feel like I lost more of Kooper in losing my car. I felt the same way about our house when we moved. I am sure I will soon get over it.

I see all the people who are dealing with cancer and it saddens me. It scares me because after Kooper it really opened my eyes and I no longer have that voice in my head saying. “It won’t happen to me.” because it can and it does. I just have to remind myself that it is all in God’s plan and I just have to have faith. So I just have to have faith that there is a reason I didn’t get to fight for Kooper to stay and that he didn’t have to suffer.

Sometimes when I am getting annoyed with my kids or frustrated when they wake up every hour at night screaming that life it too short and if given the option to have my son here with us meant I would be up every hour on the hour for the rest of my life than I would take it. He would be worth it. So my kids that are actually here with me need to be worth it.

When I hear them giggling in Keegan’s room and go to check it out and find this…


What did I do? Laughed! Even thought they could easily break the crib with all the weight of them jumping. I laugh because I am just so thankful to have them here with me and they are HEALTHY. I thank God every day for healthy kids. They may not be perfect but I love them no matter what, they are mine! They are my pride and joy and I would do ANYTHING for them.

I was relieved that Heavenly Father was answering my prayers.  He answered them in someone's testimony in church on Sunday, in a blog post about how sometimes we get sad and that it’s normal. We are not “super moms”. And then this morning when I talked to a friend who at the young age of 18 with a full ride volleyball scholarship right in front of her got in a terrible accident leaving her a 3% chance of living. She wasn’t supposed to be able to walk, but did. Hearing her outlook on life and realizing that even though life seems to be getting tough and isn’t exactly how I want it to be, that I am pretty lucky to not only be alive and healthy, but have a wonderful husband and loving children to be with everyday. I am so thankful for my parents and all that they sacrificed and did for me growing up and that they still do for me today.

So here is to a new year! I am not sure what this year has in store for me but I am looking forward to spending time with my family and being happy!

1 comment:

Christy said...

I really like that Kami! So true. I'm sorry you've been missing is interesting what triggers the sad feelings. In a few months Declan would be in nursery...*sigh* Even though we aren't in the same ward we really need to get together! :)