Montana Day 1

We made the long 18 hour drive to Montana to visit some of Ryan’s family. It was good to see everyone and to spend some time with Ryan’s Mom. When we got there Ryan’s Mom had planned to have some family over for a BBQ.

Kade and Ryan’s aunt Deb made shishcabobs.

Uncle Eric and his cousin Drew cooked them up for us.

Keegan was in heaven because there were lots of balls to throw since Ryan’s parents have a lab.

Keegan chillin’ in the swing with Tim (one of Grandma Anita’s family friend)

Having a YUMMY desert.  I will have to tell you all about it when I make it myself. It was soooo good!

My kids just love watermelon. We caught Kamryn sneaking into the watermelon bowl!

Keegan sitting with Grandpa Jeff

Ended the day playing puzzles.

Kooper’s 3rd Angel Birthday - July 11

Happy Birthday to my sweet baby boy! I love and miss him so much. To celebrate him and his birth we had some friends over for brownies and ice cream on Sunday since on his actual birthday I had to work and it would be hard to have friends over on Monday. Before we had ice cream we sat down and watched a video that my friend Jenna and I put together for his first birthday. Kamryn watched so intently it was so cute!

On Monday when I got home from work Ryan had picked up some balloons and we each wrote a message on them and then went to the cemetery and had a little balloon release. I forgot the new pinwheel I bought to put over there so we will have to go again soon.

Message from Dad

Message from Kade

Message from Mom

On our way to the cemetery

we let the kids keep the blue and orange balloons to play with as part of Kooper’s birthday and released 3 white balloons in honor of his 3rd birthday.

Reaching for the balloons

We love you Kooper! XOXOXO!

Our 4th of July!

    

Kamryn didn’t want to swim….just lay out in the sun!

  

Keegan on the other hand was trying to swim out of my arms. 

Kade decided to be brave and get over all his fears of the water. He started out with his tube and ended up with the arm floaters swimming around.  

          The cute little Sadie! And of course the birthday girl, SaraJane!

Telling

I am really struggling lately with telling others about Kooper. I want to and I love to talk about him. Lately I feel like when I tell people, especially when it comes up after the question of how many kids do you have? I feel like they think I am crazy for telling them that I have 4, but one of them passed away. Then when they ask how or why they passed away and I tell them that they weren’t yet born (but I do explain other parts) I feel that they think that they don’t count it as a child. That they think of it as a miscarriage like I never bonded with the baby. Maybe I am reading into it too much and they aren’t thinking that but their comment usually ends in, So you have 3 kids then?

As time is moving on and I can tell others about Kooper without the waterworks coming on and it not being as fresh it seems as if they think that it doesn’t hurt anymore or that I don’t ache for him daily.  I am starting to feel very much like I did after I lost Kooper. I shut out co-workers and friends fearing that they would judge my loss as a miscarriage (not that miscarriages aren’t a painful thing to go through) and that no one understood that I lost a child. Not that those people did treat it that way, it was totally the opposite. They helped me and were there for me along the way. But now when I tell others I feel like they are looking at me like I am crazy and wonder why I consider an unborn baby my child? It hurts so bad that it drags me back into this hole of feeling alone and disconnected, like no one understands.Maybe it’s all in my head? Maybe I am just sad and missing my baby?

                       

Oh how I miss him!

Independence Day!

Kamryn had a little nap with a few of her stuffed animals before the big party! 

Then we were off to our friends for a birthday and 4th of July celebration!

The diva wouldn’t take off her sunglasses…

More pictures of the kids in the pool to come. I was a slacker and didn’t take any pictures so I have to wait for Jenna to send me some or post them on her blog so i can steal them!

Anger

As the 3 year mark is fast approaching I think, has it really been three years? It seems like yesterday and then at times it feels like it’s been so long that I feel like my memory is failing me. My memory of things have faded. I think I was in a state of shock for quite a while and some numbness too so I don’t remember a lot of things that I wish I could. I wish I could go back and replay everything so I feel more in touch with Kooper. Not that I want to go back to that pain, because reliving it would bring back a lot of pain and heartache that I have learned to over come and deal with. Not that I don’t have pain and heartache today but that it has lessened over the last three years and I have learned to cope and live with the loss of him.
I came across these picture of his room today as I was looking for a specific picture and a feeling of anger came over me. Not angry at anyone in particular but it brought back my emotions of how excited I was and quickly the excitement was anger that it was all taken away. I spent hours sitting in that rocking chair dreaming of what Kooper was going to look like. Dreaming of nursing him in the chair and rocking him to sleep. Dreaming of my two little boys growing and playing together in this fun room that I loved planning for him. I loved everything about it. I would stare at the walls and every feature of that room while I watched him roll around and move in my belly. I would just look at each item and couldn’t wait to use them for my little boy that should be here any day. Staring at the car seat with the diaper bag all packed and ready next to it. Knowing Thinking that any day now Kooper would be laying on the changing table staring up at me as I slathered him up with lotion and dressed him in one of the many cute boy outfits that filled the drawers. This picture was taken after he passed away. I forgot to take a picture of the room after the letters of his name were hung up over his bed. Two days before three days before he was born.                  I loved the monkey toy that I bought to hang from the carseat.   I loved the softness of his changing table pad cover and his boppy cover. So soft.
I get angry that I didn’t get to use this and get to enjoy them the way I wanted too. That I was so prepared and so ready to have this new baby boy come into our home but in a blink of an eye it was all taken away. I avoided his room but not for very long. It became my favorite place. It was a place for me to mourn and to think about him.  A place for me to ponder and to thing through my feelings. I miss it. I am not angry anymore. The feeling comes and leaves quickly. I know that it happened for a reason. The reason I will probably never know until I meet my maker. I just have to remember the good times that I spent with Kooper. Remember the laughs he gave Ryan and I. The smiles he gave to Kade as he kicked his hand through my belly. He will always be apart of us and never forgotten. Always loved and always remembered. He is my son, my baby and my inspiration to do good.

Baby Blessing

Today we went to our friends ward to be there for their daughter Sadie’s baby blessing. It is always nice to get together with friends and we were so glad we were able to attend her blessing. The last time I was in that church was at SaraJane’s baby blessing. It was a little weird. It brought back a few memories. My friends Jenna and Nickey even reminded me that on SaraJane’s blessing day I told them I had a dream I was pregnant with a girl and that they had also had similar dreams. Come to find out I was pregnant with Kamryn but didn’t find out till later that month.

Here I am with the the cute little Sadie! I just love her!