Anger

As the 3 year mark is fast approaching I think, has it really been three years? It seems like yesterday and then at times it feels like it’s been so long that I feel like my memory is failing me. My memory of things have faded. I think I was in a state of shock for quite a while and some numbness too so I don’t remember a lot of things that I wish I could. I wish I could go back and replay everything so I feel more in touch with Kooper. Not that I want to go back to that pain, because reliving it would bring back a lot of pain and heartache that I have learned to over come and deal with. Not that I don’t have pain and heartache today but that it has lessened over the last three years and I have learned to cope and live with the loss of him.
I came across these picture of his room today as I was looking for a specific picture and a feeling of anger came over me. Not angry at anyone in particular but it brought back my emotions of how excited I was and quickly the excitement was anger that it was all taken away. I spent hours sitting in that rocking chair dreaming of what Kooper was going to look like. Dreaming of nursing him in the chair and rocking him to sleep. Dreaming of my two little boys growing and playing together in this fun room that I loved planning for him. I loved everything about it. I would stare at the walls and every feature of that room while I watched him roll around and move in my belly. I would just look at each item and couldn’t wait to use them for my little boy that should be here any day. Staring at the car seat with the diaper bag all packed and ready next to it. Knowing Thinking that any day now Kooper would be laying on the changing table staring up at me as I slathered him up with lotion and dressed him in one of the many cute boy outfits that filled the drawers. This picture was taken after he passed away. I forgot to take a picture of the room after the letters of his name were hung up over his bed. Two days before three days before he was born.                  I loved the monkey toy that I bought to hang from the carseat.   I loved the softness of his changing table pad cover and his boppy cover. So soft.
I get angry that I didn’t get to use this and get to enjoy them the way I wanted too. That I was so prepared and so ready to have this new baby boy come into our home but in a blink of an eye it was all taken away. I avoided his room but not for very long. It became my favorite place. It was a place for me to mourn and to think about him.  A place for me to ponder and to thing through my feelings. I miss it. I am not angry anymore. The feeling comes and leaves quickly. I know that it happened for a reason. The reason I will probably never know until I meet my maker. I just have to remember the good times that I spent with Kooper. Remember the laughs he gave Ryan and I. The smiles he gave to Kade as he kicked his hand through my belly. He will always be apart of us and never forgotten. Always loved and always remembered. He is my son, my baby and my inspiration to do good.