Telling

I am really struggling lately with telling others about Kooper. I want to and I love to talk about him. Lately I feel like when I tell people, especially when it comes up after the question of how many kids do you have? I feel like they think I am crazy for telling them that I have 4, but one of them passed away. Then when they ask how or why they passed away and I tell them that they weren’t yet born (but I do explain other parts) I feel that they think that they don’t count it as a child. That they think of it as a miscarriage like I never bonded with the baby. Maybe I am reading into it too much and they aren’t thinking that but their comment usually ends in, So you have 3 kids then?

As time is moving on and I can tell others about Kooper without the waterworks coming on and it not being as fresh it seems as if they think that it doesn’t hurt anymore or that I don’t ache for him daily.  I am starting to feel very much like I did after I lost Kooper. I shut out co-workers and friends fearing that they would judge my loss as a miscarriage (not that miscarriages aren’t a painful thing to go through) and that no one understood that I lost a child. Not that those people did treat it that way, it was totally the opposite. They helped me and were there for me along the way. But now when I tell others I feel like they are looking at me like I am crazy and wonder why I consider an unborn baby my child? It hurts so bad that it drags me back into this hole of feeling alone and disconnected, like no one understands.Maybe it’s all in my head? Maybe I am just sad and missing my baby?

                       

Oh how I miss him!