Time is going by fast, faster than I could ever imagine. My kids are growing bigger and getting older and time stands still for the way I see Kooper. I don't see him growing but year after year keeps passing and he would have been growing and getting older. Although I am sure he is growing in spirit and probably doing all sort of missionary work in the spirit world I don't get to be a part of it or maybe I am and I don't even know it. I don't get to get updates and hear from him. I look forward to hearing all his stories. To talking to him one day about how special he is to me. Although I tell him all the time and I am sure he hears me and knows my feelings. I can't wait to hear, see and feel his response. I know he comes to visit me. I feel his sweet spirit in times that I need it most. He will always be my sweet baby boy. I love and miss him so much. He is such a special part of our family. I don't wish on anyone the pain or heartache but I would choose to have him any way I can. I would relive the heartache over and over just to have him be apart of our family.
This year we were up in Utah for the second time over his Birthday. It stresses me out a little bit. I know he isn't where his body is but I like the thought of going to his resting place of his body and to visit at the cemetery.
So for his Birthday I always want it to be a fun day for the kids. I want my kids to think of Kooper's Birthday as a special day. I get sad on his Birthday and miss him dearly!
So this year we decided to go to the Minion Movie. The kids loved it. Then we went to a restaurant with my sister Ashley and her family.
The restaurant is right off Train tracks and has the city name in stone in the grass.
Funny story is Kooper's middle name was either going to be Logan or Leland. Ryan wanted Logan, I wanted to pass down a Williams family middle name that my Dad and Grandpa and many of the boys on the Williams side have which is Leland. We finally had Kade help us decide what his name should be a few months before Kooper was born. We wrote them on a piece of paper and had Kade hold them in his hands behind his back not knowing which hand held which name. I can't remember how many times we did it but in the end I won and we went with Leland.
My friend Nickey offered to go to the cemetery and visit him for me. It meant so much to me that she was not only thinking about me but realized I wasn't there to do what I would have most definatly done if I was there. Even with all that she is dealing with personally she was there for me and didn't really actually offer, told me that she was going to do it. i am so glad that she did! She cleaned off his headsotne and put fresh flowers out. I had been meaning to put out new flowers before we left but ran out of time. We plan to go when we get back to Arizona.
I asked her to please sent me a picture. This made my day!
I am so graftul for those that reached out and let me know they were thinking of me or my family or of Kooper on his Birthday. I feel many times like he is forgotten but I know deep down he is not and never will be.
Then we drove up to the Logan LDS Temple and took our picture in front of it. This is where Ryan and I along with Kade were sealed for time and all eternity on August 9th 2005 to our sweet family. I am so thankful for my forever family and the gospel!
I love that my kids know their brother. They may not know him in a normal way but they remember him and include him and it makes me feel happy.
As Kamryn and I watched the fireworks earlier that week she whispered to me, "I think these are for Kooper too!". it made my heart happy because he was almost a 4th of July baby. I was in L&D triage on July 3rd with contractions 3 minutes apart. But unfortunately with no progress was sent home and the contractions eventually went away.
Then on Kooper's Birthday Keegan said, "Would Kooper be 1?" Which would seem like an obvious age for a baby to turn since that is how he is known to his siblings as a baby. I told him, "no" and then he shouted, "Would he be 10?!"
Just Keegan talking about him filled my heart with joy.
We ended our night watching our Kooper video that is to primary music by Paul Cardell and has every picture we had of Kooper to the beautiful music. It makes me sad sometimes but I love to remember that short time I had with him that's what makes me happy and reminds me that life can be short and to cherish every moment!
Happy Birthday to our sweet boy! Until we meet again!
We love you soo much!
