Monday, August 20, 2012


Today I was driving around the Phoenix area for work. When I drive it gives me time alone in my own thoughts and I reflect on different things, sometimes this can be good and sometimes it's bad because I can over think things! Well today as I reached an area of Phoenix where Ryan and I used to live it made me think of the first few years Ryan and I were married, (I can't believe it's been 9 years!) I thought of all the things we have done and the trials and blessings we had been through and really I just wished I could go back in time and give myself advice. Part of me wanted to warn myself of the tragedy that would occur as a young 23 year old mother. Other parts of me wanted to tell myself that everything will always work itself out, enjoy the little things and pray always! Tonight as I lay in bed thinking of Kooper and looking at pictures of this perfect baby boy. I ask the million dollar question, Why? How? Questions I have asked myself, and Heavenly father over and over. I seem to come up with answers that eventually make me feel better for a time until I over think about the why and hows too much again. How does such a perfect little baby die in such a safe house? I know the answer but it never really occurred to me that it could happen to me. It happened to other people. But It really never entered my mind. Or if it did, I was good at blocking the possibility out. I miss my little monkey so much.
Tonight Ryan and I took the kids to McDonalds so the kids could get some energy out in a cool environment and we could actually talk without being interrupted every 5 seconds. As usual Kade is attracted to these 4 year old (or whatever age Kooper would be) and begins to play tag with this little boy. It was so sweet and made me ache for him to be with us.

I miss him like crazy but I know one day this will all make sense and I will understand the "whys". I wish my future self could visit me now and give me some advice for the next 9 years, I am sure I could use some!

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