Triggers

I really need to update the blog with some pictures. My parents are visiting and we are having fun! The kids love it and I always enjoy hanging out with my parents. Ryan does too. Kade is on spring break and it is much easier for me to enjoy him when I have help keeping him entertained and occupied.


As I was driving to work  I started having thoughts of Kooper and started thinking of a blog post about these random thoughts I have had lately. It all flowed through my brain nicely and I knew that once I was able to try and get it out of my brain and onto the computer it wasn’t going to come out so nicely. Oh well. It’s written.

I have come to realize a trigger for my sadness and grief over Kooper. Usually I can talk about him, I can think about him and Kade can mention him and I smile. I miss him but I can still be happy within that moment. My heart doesn’t hurt badly and I can breath and everything is alright. I can look at my friends little girl SaraJane and not always think of Kooper. But one thing that takes me right back to that spot where my heart hurts is seeing pictures of a father and mother holding their new baby, so happy, proud and excited. Even the pictures of me holding my other kids bring back all those memories and make me a little sad. Sad that I didn’t get that. I originally thought that it was seeing baby pictures of SaraJane as a newborn. Sometimes seeing those pictures make my mind wonder. Not only do I miss him but I miss what could have been. How Jenna and I would have them play together, dress them in similar clothes oh the possibilities.

The piano music by Paul Cardell also takes me back to his funeral where it was playing in the background. It takes me back to staying up into the night listening to the music and staring at pictures of my baby bawling my eyes out. I am listening to it now only it doesn’t make me cry (usually).

I can’t even fathom right now how my life would be with him here with me. How would I handle 3 under 3 and a 5 year old? I would give anything to have it but I know it isn’t how God planned. I know I could do it. I may start sprouting grey hair a little earlier than planned but every grey hair would be worth it. Who of the three would Kade like the best? It is hard for me to imagine. I think it makes it easier when looking at little 2-3 year old boys. Because I have not seen Kooper at that age it doesn’t sting so bad. But seeing him as a newborn baby, I know what he looks like I can imagine him cradled in my arms and smell the sweet smell of baby and rubbing his soft hair on his head. Oh how I love that baby hair!

It sounds weird but I am grateful for those times where I get sad because it grounds me and reminds me of my eternal goal and being a better wife and mother. It makes me want to be better and it makes him real. As time has gone on it feels like it was all a dream as the sadness and pain gets easier to cope with. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little monkey. He is never far from my mind.

Miss him!

Unexpected

Today I got the mail and the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) logo caught my attention on a piece of mail. I got in the car and immediately opened it wondering what it was.  This is what it was....

And then I cried...yes right there in the car. It was unexpected and I am so appreciative for the donation to this foundation that has blessed me with beautiful pictures of my son Kooper. It made me think of if I didn't have them taken or if NILMDTS didn't exist and all I had were the pictures I took. It would be okay but I wouldn't have those professional photos that I display all over my home. The photographer was so awesome and she did an amazing job touching them up to make Kooper look like he was only sleeping.  I am so grateful for them and for all those that donate to such a wonderful cause, especially one very close to my heart!

4 kids

Today as I was driving in the car with the kids I was telling Kade about this kids table that I was going to pick up from someone who was about to send it off to Goodwill. I told him that it had four chairs. Kade says, "But mom you only have 3 kids....Oh wait, you have four! Kooper, he's in heaven. " I love that he remebers him even if it as times where it doesn't exactly matter because it makes me smile to know that he thinks of his brother often.

Earlier today I read a blog of another Angel Mommy who lost her first child and how her second child reminds them if they accidentally forget to mention his older sister in their prayers. It makes me wonder how I can help Kamryn and Keegan come to know that they have another brother that is in heaven watching over them. I want them to know Kooper too and remember him like Kade remembers him.

Little reminders

Everyday I have little things that remind me of Kooper. Not everyday is it something that specifically represents him.  I have an account on babycenter.com. I have been on babycenter since before I became pregnant with Kade. You put in the dates or due dates of you children and then they have birth boards for the month and year that your baby is due so you can ask questions and compare things to other moms throughout the baby years. So after Kooper died I went to the stillbirth boards to find comfort. Comfort in knowing that someone else understood what I had gone through. What I found was not that. Many, not all but many didn't have much belief of the afterlife or their belief's weren't strong. So these boards ended up not doing me much good because their feelings were so different then mine although we still stood on some common ground.  So after that I never followed the birth boards much. I couldn't go to Kooper"s and see all these ladies complain about their baby because I would have given ANYTHING to have my baby not sleep a minute of the night. Although I very well know I would have been complaining if I was in their shoes. Being a Mom isn't easy.  I have entered Keegan and Kamryn's information in and every week I get an update about what they might be doing developmentally. I still get them for Kooper. It is one of those reminders.  Today i received a Huggies pamphlet not only for Kamryn but for Kooper too. It doesn't say his name on it but it is for the potty training years.

When I became pregnant with Kooper I signed up for Huggies coupons. You put in your information about your expected due date and start receiving samples and coupons. I still get them for Kooper. It doesn't really make me sad. Because lets be honest who wants to be potty training an almost 3 year old??? It's bittersweet because it reminds me of what could have been or would have been and what stage he would be in. But anytime I get a reminder that Kooper is real and that he is my baby it makes me happy.

Tonight as Kade was saying his prayers the first thing that he said was, "I'm thankful for Kooper." and then the last thing he said was, "I hope Kooper has awesome balloons!" (today we went to Chick-a-fillet and he and Kamryn got balloons and he kept talking about letting the balloons go to Kooper.) Before he said his prayers he was facing his Kooper monkey and I am pretty sure that reminded him of  his little brother.

Last night as I tucked Kade in to bed I had Keegan in my arms and I told Kade that in a few years he would be able to have a roommate, Keegan! And that Keegan could sleep on the pull-out trundle bed.  I told him that if Kooper were here and alive that he would be as big as Sara Jane and that he would be big enough to share a room and sleep in a big boy bed. He smiled and said, "But Mom, He's in heaven!" I smiled back thinking, I know, silly me!

Fun weekend

It is so weird when you go from blogging every day to blogging whenever you have make time to blog. I feel like I have missed out on documenting so many happenings from my weekend and I don't want to forget them. So lets start off with Thursday!

Thursday:
Keegan started crawling. He hasn't gotten much better or faster yet (which is definitely a good thing!). I thought for sure when I got back from Utah he would be all over the place but luckily he isn't going to fast only a few crawls and then he goes down to his tummy! Kade kinked his neck for the first time pretty bad. He just stayed on the couch all night trying not to move because it hurt. He asked me if I could give him a blessing and I told him I couldn't but I bet Daddy would when he got home from work. He started to cry and asked when Daddy would be home. I told him that if he wanted we could say a prayer in the meantime and he was satisfied with that, until he realized that just because you say a prayer it won't make the pain go away instantly!

Friday:
I left to go to Utah for my sisters baby shower. I took Kamryn along with me for a little girls weekend. I had a very neat experience. People always say it's a small world but I think that people are put in our paths for a reason.
Not too long after Kooper passed away I received an e-mail from a women in Utah that had a stillborn baby girl just months before I had Kooper. She will never know how much her e-mails meant to me. They inspired me and I only hoped that I could help others as much as she had helped me. She started a blog site that had links to other Angel Mommy blogs and there I was able to see others experiences and relate to them when I felt like I was the only person that was going through this. Little did I know how common stillbirth really was. So anyway back to the present. As I boarded on the airplane I began searching for an empty row so that someone could "choose" to sit by someone with a baby. As I was walking back someone who looks familiar says to me, "Are you Kooper's mom?" and I am sure my face lit up because it isn't very often that I get asked that. Actually I don't think I have ever been asked that. I immediately knew who she was even before I answered, "yes" and she told me, "I'm Savannah's mom!" She had a layover in Phoenix and we ended up on the same flight. It was so nice to talk to her in person. She is such a sweet girl and so pretty. She was also very nice to help me with Kamryn. Kamryn didn't do so well on the flight. She did okay but could have done better. Unfortunately we sat at the gate for 30 minutes before the plane even moved. It was also during Kamryn's nap time and I think it might have been bothering her ears a little bit. Luckily the flight wasn't too long. I wish it were longer and that I didn't have Kamryn because I could have talked to her for hours.

My Mom and little sister Ashley picked us up from the airport and we went to my favorite place to eat in Utah, Crown Burger. Then we did a little shopping which is always fun.

Saturday:
We  had Ashley's baby shower. It was a lot of fun to see lots of family many of them I hadn't seen in a while and I got to hold 2 cute little newborns! Oh how I wish my babies would stay that small forever! So sweet!

While I was having fun in Utah Ryan took Kade to Monster Jam, the monster truck show. They had a lot of fun. Ryan said next year the whole family is going to go!

Sunday:
We spent more time with family and then we had to wake up bright and early Monday morning at 3:30 am so that I could be at the airport in time for my 6:50am flight. Thanks Mom and Dad for waking up so early and driving me to the airport! Kamryn did a little better this time but I don't want to have to fly with her again anytime soon!

So that's it! It was a great weekend. Loved seeing my family. I can't wait for baby Maleaha to be born!

Miracles

Yesterday was one of those days. It all started with a grocery shopping trip with all the kids by myself. In the past I have had such good results that I tell myself, "I can go grocery shopping with a 5 year old, a 19 month old and a 8 month old! I can!" But after yesterday I promise to not go shopping with them all by myself until they are older! I wrote a whole post about it and then deleted it (it was very therapeutic) and now I have a new rule. If I am by myself I can only buy 5 things and get out of there!

As my day continued into the night I was hit with more things one right after the other and my patience was wearing thin. I still hadn't caught up on the sleep I had been deprived of and when I don't have my sleep I am not a fun person to be around. So the little things seemed worse.

Ryan got home from work early which normally cheered me up. I have a fun weekend to look forward to. I am going to Utah for my sisters baby shower and get to spend time with my family. But still I was in a depressed state. Ryan kept saying things to make me smile or laugh. But all I could think about what the negative.

I was wide awake at midnight with all these thoughts swirling through my head and sleep no where in sight. Ryan asked what was the matter. I told him everything and then started spilling out the real reasons for my bad mood. A few of them were really stupid things, but there was one thing that had been on my mind all day. One thing that was making everything else seem horrible.

I had watched a show on TLC that was talking about the first set of living septuplets and the fact that they were now going to be 13. The mother said, "they were miracles" and they were. It made me tear up. I wanted a miracle? Why couldn't I have had a miracle? Was I that far off the path that God had to do something so sad and horrible, that Kooper had to sacrifice a life on earth so that I could be placed back where I should have been all along. I carry this guilt sometimes that if I would have been going to church more often then Kooper wouldn't have had to die. I sometimes question it on the bad days but deep down I know it was just the way it was meant to be. Some days I still wish I could have had a miracle.

Today is a good day.I am preparing for a trip to Utah and I can't wait to see my parents and sisters! I have much more to do today so I better go off the computer.

Don't forget to vote for my Keegan, just click on the link at the top of my page!

New Flowers

Ryan has Mondays off and for the last month or so I have had Sunday nights off so we are actually able to spend some time together on Mondays. After Christmas we went and got Kooper's tree from the cemetery so they wouldn't throw it away. Unfortunately I hadn't picked up any new flowers before we went and it was a Sunday so I wasn't going to stop at Michael's to pick some new ones up. So I decided on Monday to go put new flowers in Kooper's vase. So we stopped at Michael's and they had their Valentines decorations out so I got a cute little wooden heart, new flowers and a cool blue pinwheel flower too. Keegan loved to watch the pinwheel flower spin in the wind. It was kind of a spur of the moment idea after we got into the car so we had no camera (thanks to cell phones with cameras I was able to take a picture) and we forgot the cleaning stuff to clean off his headstone. But I was glad I was able to do it so I didn't feel like a bad mom! That sounds kind of weird. But there aren't a lot of physical things I can do for Kooper anymore.

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Telling his story

When I first found out about Lanee's Legacy and that many LDS wards would volunteer to do box making nights to help with all the manpower of putting together these boxes I knew it was something that I wanted my ward to participate in. Then not too long after we had 2 families in our ward experience a loss of a baby. I definitely knew we needed to do it because it wax hitting so close to home for our ward. I am not trying to take any credit for them coming. I think somehow they would have ended up here anyways. I just got the info to our Humanitarian leader in our ward and I am grateful for them and getting it all set up.Last night Lanee's Legacy came out and we put together some boxes but first a few of us Angel Mommy's told our story to everyone that came to help out. 

All moms love to talk about their children and what they are good at and there sweet qualities. So anytime us Angel Moms get the opportunity to talk about our babies that most people are afraid to bring up (even though we would love for you to bring them up) and share them with anyone that will listen.

For me this was the first time I would be talking about Kooper and actually telling his story to a group of people. I have told many people, even strangers of my story, but I have never stood up and actually told his story. I didn't have a lot of time so Tuesday night and all day Wednesday I kept trying to decide what I wanted to share what I wanted to say and I thought I had it pretty much planned out. Because I was kind of all over the place at the  beginning. I was so nervous! Maybe I should have practiced, especially since I am not a good public speaker. I really dislike it. But I jumped at the chance to talk about Kooper.

So as soon as I get up here all the thoughts I had left my head. I rambled and I had so many thoughts jumping around that so did what I was talking about. I had to stop myself and pretty much start over. It started out pretty rocky. But as soon as I started over I felt like I got out what I wanted to. I actually don't even really remember what I said or if it made sense. There were so many things I wanted to tell but I knew that I didn't have the whole day, because I could go on and on about my .

I am so grateful that I got to share Kooper with those that were there. I thought there would have been more of a turn out considering the size of our ward. But it really didn't take that long to get all those boxes packed with the size of group we had!

I look forward to more opportunities to share Kooper's story and more opportunities to help Lanee's Legacy.

They are always accepting donations and you can even donate monetarily on their website.

Here are a few pictures from the Humanitarian Project:

Baby Girl box

Jessica's little boy Broc's mementos

My little monkey Kooper's mementos

Cheri's baby girl, Addison's mementos.

Christy's little boy Declan's mementos.

They even let me have a box to put Kooper's things in. It's already full!

Thank you Lanee's Legacy and thank you to all the wonderful ladies that came and helped out! The families that receive these boxes are going to appreciate more than you will ever know!

On the brain...

So I saw someone else put just a bunch of random thoughts from their brain as a blog post and I lvoed it so I copied her!

• Keegan is growing up too fast and soon he will be crawling and I am gonna be in trouble!
• My kids watch way too much TV.
• I am finding it really hard to choose healthy food over chocolate and cookies.
• I am obsessing over a new blog that I am afraid to share....it has ideas on refinishing furniture and I feel like if I will have an even harder time than I already am having finding some furniture to try and refinish. In case you are reading this and have furniture you want to get rid of...even if it's old I am looking for a twin size headboard, a table (to seat at least 6), end tables, and dressers. Funny thing is I have never "refinished" anything but it looks so good! I think I can do it.
• I feel like I am going to be buying diapers for the rest of my life. I see an end to formula in my near future but diapers seem so far away...probably at least 2 years...AT LEAST!
• I worry about pregnant people alot lately, especially since alot of my friends are pregnant. Even if I don't tell them, I do think about them often and pray that they will have a healthy baby.
• I wonder if Keegan will ever sleep through the night. We moved his crib into our room so that he can scream as loud as he wants and not wake Kamryn up....well I still find myself picking him up so I can sleep....not so good.
• I wish I could pay an interior designer to help me with colors to paint the walls. I am stumped.
• I wonder how much Kamryn's surgery will end up costing. She is having her tongue tie problem fixed.
• I really want some new couches. Ryan thinks that paying towards debts sounds like a better idea!
• I am jealous of my sister and friend Jenna, they are having girls.  I am feeling bad that Kamryn doesn't have a sister and I am not willing to risk it for another boy (I've already got 3, 4 if you count Ryan!). Yeah, I know that sounds really bad. Plus I AM DONE so I don't even know why it's on my mind. Probably because there are so many pregnant people and my baby is not little anymore!
• Kamryn doesn't like Goodwill. I went in to look for some furniture I talked about above and she screamed until we started to leave...EVERYBODY was staring...totally embarrassing.
• I found a fabric line that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and I really want to make Kamryn a quilt for her bed (that she doesn't have yet) so I can figure out the exact color I want to paint her room. Problem is I don't know how to quilt and how much fabric to get.
• My sister Ashley's baby shower. I am nervous to be leaving the kids. Not that Ryan isn't a great parent, I haven't left my kids since we left Kade for a few nights while we went to a wedding out of state.. I am super excited to see my sister one last time before she has her baby!
• Is Kade ever going to lose a tooth or is Keegan ever going to get a tooth?

Plant

Last week I got an e-mail from my mother-in-law about a plant I received when Kooper passed away. I had completely forgotten about it until she sent me this e-mail.  The plants she refers to (the ones I kept) are dead. That is how much of a green thumb I have. I am mostly blaming it on the fact that in the summer of 2009 while we were in Utah on vacation we turned the A/C off and when we got home our house was 100 degrees inside and all our plants were dead! That is exactly why I don't have any live plants in my house!

Kami

I thought I should write this to you because it happened in my life at one of the times I needed it the most.  I've been pampering Kooper's peace plant since I brought it back from Arizona after Kooper's funeral. You gave it to me cause you had 3 of them and wasn't sure if you would be able to keep them alive. I  almost lost it on the way back from Arizona cause of the heat and the hot sun hitting it in the back of the car. So it did make it from Arizona to Montana in the heat of July.  I replanted it in a bigger pot probably a year after I got it. It never bloomed so I figured it was root bound. I almost lost it a few timesespecially during the insurance construction of our house the months of September through the middle of November 2010. We weren't living here so I would forgetto water it. In November I noticed it was getting new leaves.  Leaves I thought because they were so big. Well it turned out to be 4 blooms, not just little blooms, 4 big blooms.  It bloom's has lasted throughout December and into January. I watered it today and the 4 blooms are as pretty as the first

day. What is weird is that 3 blooms are on top standing straight up. The 4th bloom is lower and seems like it is reaching out because we brush against it every time we pass it. KC the 95 pound moose (her dog)  sniffs it every time he passes it and he makes sure to move away from it when he wags his tail.

it gave me 4 blooms.  It's a special plant and I think of Kooper every time I walk past. I'm glad you gave it to me, I thank you for that living blooming plant. Kooper lives in all of us especially you and Ryan.  Thank you for giving me the plant.

We love and miss you so much.

Love Mom Anita

2 1/2 years

Dear Kooper,

Happy half birthday little monkey! I miss you so much I have a hard time trying to imagine what you would look like and the things you would be doing. The trouble you would be getting into with Kade. I wish you were getting into trouble with Kade. But I know he needs a special guardian angel to watch over him so you can do that job for now! Maybe whisper in his ear to play a little softer and nicer with Kamryn and to clean up his toys more! Yesterday Kamryn walked into my room and picked up a frame that I have on my nightstand. It's a picture from your last ultrasound I had just days before I had you. It says, My heart belongs to mommy! on it.  I told Kamryn, "That's Kooper, that's your brother." I tried to get her to say your name too. Then I showed her a bigger picture of you and she wanted to carry it all around the house and gave it lots of kisses! I am sure she misses you too! I wish you guys would have had the chance to grow up together and play together but I know that you will look out for her too! Keep those boys far far away from her!

You have taught me in the short time you were here with me, much more than I could have ever taught you in a whole lifetime. You are missed greatly and we love you so much! I look forward to the day that we will be together again, our whole family!

Love
Mom

It feels like a long time has passed yet it feels like yesterday. My chest doesn't tighten with anxiety like it used to. It has it's times but it has gotten so much better. My thoughts can go to Kooper and I can still be happy and think of him without crying. He makes me happy but the thought of him not being here makes me sad so thinking about him is so bittersweet. It bring back memories of joy but sadness and so I try to focus on the joy that he has brought to me. 

As I was reading another Angel Mommy's blog as I read her description of how she was feeling on a really bad day when all she could do is sob and cry and nothing was going to make it better only holding her son in her arms it made me flash to those moments in my life. I realized that I didn't blog much about how I felt personally and the heartache. I touched on it a little from what I remember but it was a tough time and luckily it has gotten better and I go longer between sad days. It sounds weird but I don't want to forget those days. As much as they are sad they make Kooper real to me and remind me of what I went through to make me who I am today.

It makes me miss my old house. I can place myself in my room laying in my bed and staring at the wall the held Kade and Kooper's baby pictures. I would just stare and stare and cry and cry and in a way it felt good. It was part of healing all that crying. It is where I realized that Kooper wasn't kicking anymore . It is where I cried myself to sleep. It is where I experienced the hardest trial I have been faced with.



I never wanted to let him go. I wanted to hold and stare at him forever. There are times I just wish I had a clock to rewind the time so I could go back and save him, but I know that it just wasn't part of God's plan. I just have to remind myself of that when those thoughts start to invade my brain.

Girls Night

Tonight we had a girls night! It was lots of fun to hang out with my Mom and sisters (my niece Tasia came along too)! I don't get to do it very often so I really enjoy the time that I get to spend with them.  I don't remember the last time we hung out, just us girls.

We went to dinner at the Olive Garden. Yummy! This always happens to me and it's funny because it always happens when my Mom is around.  There was a guy waiting on the table next to us and he started talking to this little boy. He asks, "What's your name?" The little boy says, "Cooper!" the waiter asks, "How old are you Cooper?" and when I heard that the little boy said his name was Cooper I listened more intently. And then when the little boy replied, "Two!" My heart just melted. I wanted my Kooper to be here so badly at that moment. Thoughts of how wild it would have been for Ryan watching 4 kids instead of 3 while I was out having a good time with my Mom and sisters went through my head. The wonder of what Kooper would be doing or saying or look like flashed through my mind. What would I be getting him for Christmas? I know he is in such a better place and I am grateful for that but the selfish part of me wants him to come back and be apart of our family here on earth.

A few days ago I was at Sam's club and they had this beautiful artwork. I can't remember who it is by but they have pictures of the different Temples and other things too and as I looked at them I saw this picture. It was the same picture but had a special finish done on it to make it look unique. It was in a beautiful frame.  I started crying. I pictured Jesus holding Kooper and taking care of him until we could be reunited again.

I love and miss him so much. Especially this time of year as we gather as families to celebrate the birth of our Savior.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family! I love them very much!

Struggle

I am very lucky that I haven't had a really hard time accepting that losing Kooper was meant to be. It was all apart of God's plan.  Don't get me wrong, I have had my days where I wondered why and struggled with it. But from the moment I found out that he passed away I knew it was because God needed him.  It helped my heartache (a  little). I was and still am heartbroken although the pieces have slowly started to come back together...but there are still those missing pieces that will never return until we are reunited once again.  But I do have days every once in a while where I wonder why he couldn't stay and that maybe he wasn't supposed to die. Maybe I was supposed to know or do something to intervene but I have to remind myself that if he WAS meant to live and be here with our family that God would have intervened. I would have gone into labor. Sometimes I worry what if I wasn't listening to the promptings of the spirit and I should have just gone in and demanded that they take him out. What if that last ultrasound was his last saving grace?  What if we were supposed to see that knot that cost him his life? As I looked back the other day at his ultrasounds in a few of them he looked so peaceful and then there were a few where he was making mad or sad faces. I remember seeing those and thinking oh how cute. Now it just breaks my heart. I wonder, was he calling for help? Calling for his Mom to get him out?  Who knows if at that time the chord was already wrapped around his neck?! But really I didn't know. The realilty of him dying and the possibility of him dying was so far out there that I never even thought of it as a possibility. Although our lives are so precious anyone of us could die tomorrow.

I guess I have comfort in the fact that I went to L&D days later with contractions and he was doing fine on the monitors. It has helped me to not blame myself for his passing. I was responsible for him.  So I guess if he were supposed to come out that, that would have been the time.

My faith has helped carry me through the hard times and to know that it is all apart of God's plan for me. Some days I just struggle with it. Not that often but it does still hit me every once in a while. I love and miss my little Kooper!

 Here is his tree this year. Because Kamryn loves to take all the decorations off, it's just the Koop tree this year!

To already know

Yes, I watch that horrible show...(don't judge)! For those who don't watch it one of the characters Lynette was pregnant with twins and one of the twins died. I am not sure how far along she was. I think she was at least 20 weeks. I was not happy that they didn't really address the loss of her son. It was talked about for 1 maybe 2 episodes and pretty much never mentioned again. Well in last Sunday's episode when Gabby's biological daughter left Fairview she went to talk to Lynette and it made me cry when she told Lynette that she had to talk to her because she was the only one she knew who had lost a child.  I choked back tears as I remembered having those same feelings. I just wanted to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. Someone that could relate.  I have been blessed to come to know some wonderful women that through their experiences have been able to help support me with mine. Not only those who have had this trial before me but even those who have experienced it after me. My journey through life without Kooper will always feel incomplete because he will always be missing and although it's been almost 2 and a half years I still have some bad days. The comfort I get from those wonderful ladies is amazing. We help each other on our bad days.
Last night Kade had his last t-ball practice and instead of practicing they went to Peter Piper Pizza.  As I was leaving the coach's wife and the assistant coach (who happens to be a women) started talking to me about Keegan and Kamryn. They wondered how I did it, handling two little ones. In those moments I just wish people knew about Kooper and I didn't have to tell them. Not that I don't want to talk about Kooper. But I don't want others to be uncomfortable when I do tell them. I want everyone to know even strangers that just see me walking down the isle at Target. I want them to know without having the conversation. Because I want them to know that I have had 4 babies. I want them to know that Kade, Kamryn and Keegan have another brother. That I have another son. That yes it seems crazy that I have an 18 month old and a 6 month old, but really there should also be a 2 and a half year old boy hanging onto my leg as I try and juggle Kamryn and Keegan while hollering to Kade to come back so he doesn't get lost. I want others to know that I haven't moved on. That my heart still yearns to hold Kooper that he isn't very far from my thoughts all the time. That every time I drive down Northern Ave I can picture us following a white hurst carrying my baby and I just want to continue on down that road to the cemetery. That every time I see the number 11 I think of him. That every time I drive by the hospital I think of him. That every time I see an ultrasound I think of the ultrasound I had just days before he was born.  That every time I see a little boy that would be his age I wish even more badly that he was here to play with his siblings and give me hugs and kisses.  

When someone comments on how I have my hands full I want to tell them, "Well I would definitely have my hands full if Kooper were here." and for them to know what I mean.

I just want people to know.

Target

I was reading a post by a friend of mine who has also lost her baby. She talked about an experience she had with someone who worked at the grocery store who knew she was pregnant and then later asked about her baby not knowing that he had passed away. It brought back a memory from while I was pregnant with Kooper.

Kade and I went to Target quite a bit while I was pregnant, especially at the end. Those who know me well know that I buy things and then return or exchange them. I have gotten ALOT better about not buying unnecessary things but I will still return things if I end up finding something I like better (like Christmas gifts) or a better price on the same thing somewhere else and I haven't opened or used it.  Anyhow I came to know the customer service worker at Target quite well for someone who works at a store and the only contact you have with this person is telling them why you are returning something and then getting your money back.  At first I really didn't like this girl. She always had a scowl on her face. She never seemed happy and I always hated going to Target and seeing that she was there. I dreaded it actually. Well eventually I became a familiar face she would ask how much longer I had and would smile and say hi to Kade and she became pleasant and my trips to Target didn't seem too bad.  I remember telling her the last time I saw her before Kooper, " Not much longer, I get induced next week!"  I remember after Kooper passed away walking into Target and totally looking away from the customer service area when I walked in. I didn't want to see her. What if she asked about my baby?   I still see her every once in a while and she doesn't recognize me or at least I don't  think she does. She has seen me come in pregnant two more times after. 

So random and I am not sure of the point of that post..just a memory of being pregnant with Kooper.

Our Day!

Today I let Kade miss school since Grandma and Grandpa are leaving tomorrow.  First we stopped to see Kooper at the cemetery to put Kooper's little tree up. Keegan had a blowout so he has no pants on! Good thing it isn't cold here in sunny Arizona!

Then we headed up to the Anthem Outlets. It has been so warm these past few days 75 degrees! So Kade wore shorts!

Challenge Day 19

A passage from a book that has touched you.

Almost two years ago I wrote a post. The passage in it has helped me find answers to so many prayers. Especially the answer I have needed most in my life. 

Grandma's here!

We are so happy to have Grandma Keren here for Thanksgiving! The kids are having a great time! I am so glad that she was able to come down and miss the huge snow storm in Utah! 

On another note today after picking my Mom up from the airport we stopped at a mall to let Kamryn play in the play area while I fed Keegan.  I sat down and started feeding Keegan and the lady sitting close to me yelled to her son, "Cooper, be careful!" The little boy was across the play area (actually standing by my Mom who was with Kamryn).  He was a cute little dark haired boy. I started talking to his mom. I asked if she spelled his name with a C or K. She said with a C although she was so close to spelling it with a K but her husband didn't like it with a K.  She immediately asked if Keegan's name was Kooper. I said no and told her that I had a son named Kooper that passed away. She went on to apologize for my loss and asked how old he would be. I told her almost 2 1/2. Her little boy was almost 2.  We talked for a little bit longer. I like to see cute little boys especially with my favorite name. I wish Kooper would have been there to play with the other Cooper. I love those little reminders of him.

I am excited to put his little tree up at the cemetery and the big tree up in our house!

Challenge Day 18

A picture that makes you feel...

July 11, 2008

This day I felt every range of emotion I was sad, worried, heartbroken, devastated, and mad that Kooper had passed away but I was happy, excited, and nervous to see him and hold him in my arms.  It was probably the first time in my life where I experienced every emotion. I felt every emotion possible on this day. I love and miss him so much. I think about him every day and yearn for a day where I could just hold him close.

Ear infection...I think NOT!

So many might think if they had a baby question...ask Kami, she's had a million babies...right?  Well I am sure that after talking to the doctor today, she thought I must be a first time mom.  Keegan was up crying all night again...

Screaming I tell you, especially while lying down flat. I could tell he was in pain but I wasn't sure why.  He had this horrible runny nose so immediately I thought, he must have an ear infection, or the begining of one.  So I call the doctors office first thing this morning to get him checked out.

The doctor walks in and Keegan gives her a nice big smile (If you have met him you know that smile because he gives it to EVERYONE!) and she already knows why Mr. Keegan has been crying all night....He is getting teeth!  His gums are swollen on the bottom. She asks further questions... he has had looser stools than normal and his ears are PERFECT!  Wasn't I just trying to figure out what was up with those rosy cheeks? Yes the little guy is teething and I guess I am a brainless mom! 

I guess in the back of my head I was thinking he was still too young to teeth.  But no he isn't.  He is growing up too fast on me. It seems like he is developing 10 times faster than Kamryn and Kade (He by the way weights just over 18 pounds!).  Maybe it's because I am planning on him being our last...for now. I am not making any promises. But I am pretty sure I will stick to it.  So I think it is bittersweet as he reaches new milestones. I guess I thought he would be more like Kamryn and not get his first tooth until he is 1. It better not take that long though. I don't know how long I can handle a cranky baby at night. Kamryn has been dealing with the same thing...she is getting 2 molars right now! Not a happy camper either!

 Just took this when I sat down to blog. The cover for the swing is in the washer...so blankets will have to do! He loves to nuzzle up with a warm blankie! Scares me sometimes though. The blanket he is wrapped up in (the red checked/train one) is actually one my Mom had made for Kooper. I just pulled it out of the drawer today for Keegan to use. I have kept some of Kooper's other blankets that I had him wrapped in at the hospital and one that I took to the hospital but he never got to use.  I didn't want this one to go to waste...maybe it will become a favorite of his and I will have a sweet story to tell him about it.

 Rolling around in his crib while I try and put some things away in his room. I know, I know it's a girls crib sheet on his bed. Honestly I haven't found one to match yet...but lets be real honest here. I have only looked at Target.

He is our first little guy to make his way out of the bouncy seat without any help. I better start buckling him in!