Little Update

Keegan has the strongest desire to crawl! When I hold him and he is cranky, I lay him down and he giggles and babbles and I love it. He gets up on his hands and knees and rocks. He spins on his belly and rolls to where he wants to be. If he sees something he wants he rolls and is over to it in seconds.

Kamryn is talking more and more every day. Some of her latest words are: Santa, Juice and Ho Ho Ho.

Kade is so excited for Christmas he can hardly stand it. He has been counting down the days and for the past few days he has been telling me, "It's a holiday mom!" Tonight he said, "Happy Christmas Eve!" He said that Santa is going to come tomorrow night. I asked him what that means. He said "If your good you get toys and if your bad you don't get anything!" Then him and his cousin were watching A Christmas Story. They came running out to ask if fudge is a bad word. Kade told Santa that he wants a pillow pet and a frog (Leapfrog Tag). 

Girls Night

Tonight we had a girls night! It was lots of fun to hang out with my Mom and sisters (my niece Tasia came along too)! I don't get to do it very often so I really enjoy the time that I get to spend with them.  I don't remember the last time we hung out, just us girls.

We went to dinner at the Olive Garden. Yummy! This always happens to me and it's funny because it always happens when my Mom is around.  There was a guy waiting on the table next to us and he started talking to this little boy. He asks, "What's your name?" The little boy says, "Cooper!" the waiter asks, "How old are you Cooper?" and when I heard that the little boy said his name was Cooper I listened more intently. And then when the little boy replied, "Two!" My heart just melted. I wanted my Kooper to be here so badly at that moment. Thoughts of how wild it would have been for Ryan watching 4 kids instead of 3 while I was out having a good time with my Mom and sisters went through my head. The wonder of what Kooper would be doing or saying or look like flashed through my mind. What would I be getting him for Christmas? I know he is in such a better place and I am grateful for that but the selfish part of me wants him to come back and be apart of our family here on earth.

A few days ago I was at Sam's club and they had this beautiful artwork. I can't remember who it is by but they have pictures of the different Temples and other things too and as I looked at them I saw this picture. It was the same picture but had a special finish done on it to make it look unique. It was in a beautiful frame.  I started crying. I pictured Jesus holding Kooper and taking care of him until we could be reunited again.

I love and miss him so much. Especially this time of year as we gather as families to celebrate the birth of our Savior.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family! I love them very much!

Fun playing with the Nativity set

Boys!

Sitting in pee has become a daily occurrence in my house. When I did it this morning and got mad Ryan said, "Maybe you are the problem...you should look before you sit!"  When Kade was first potty trained and for a long time after he was the best at lifting the seat up and down then closing it and even the lid down when he was finished.  He has become lazy and I think he isn't even lifting the seat up now and it is driving me crazy every time I sit in his little drops of pee he leaves behind! I am seriously thinking of charging him a dollar every time I sit in it until he realizes that he needs to stop! And now I am going to start checking before I sit!

The Polar Express

At school on Friday Kade's class got to read and then watch The Polar Express. They all wore their pajamas to school and got a ticket and a bell and lined their chairs up like they were on the train. They got hot chocolate with marshmallows too!

Struggle

I am very lucky that I haven't had a really hard time accepting that losing Kooper was meant to be. It was all apart of God's plan.  Don't get me wrong, I have had my days where I wondered why and struggled with it. But from the moment I found out that he passed away I knew it was because God needed him.  It helped my heartache (a  little). I was and still am heartbroken although the pieces have slowly started to come back together...but there are still those missing pieces that will never return until we are reunited once again.  But I do have days every once in a while where I wonder why he couldn't stay and that maybe he wasn't supposed to die. Maybe I was supposed to know or do something to intervene but I have to remind myself that if he WAS meant to live and be here with our family that God would have intervened. I would have gone into labor. Sometimes I worry what if I wasn't listening to the promptings of the spirit and I should have just gone in and demanded that they take him out. What if that last ultrasound was his last saving grace?  What if we were supposed to see that knot that cost him his life? As I looked back the other day at his ultrasounds in a few of them he looked so peaceful and then there were a few where he was making mad or sad faces. I remember seeing those and thinking oh how cute. Now it just breaks my heart. I wonder, was he calling for help? Calling for his Mom to get him out?  Who knows if at that time the chord was already wrapped around his neck?! But really I didn't know. The realilty of him dying and the possibility of him dying was so far out there that I never even thought of it as a possibility. Although our lives are so precious anyone of us could die tomorrow.

I guess I have comfort in the fact that I went to L&D days later with contractions and he was doing fine on the monitors. It has helped me to not blame myself for his passing. I was responsible for him.  So I guess if he were supposed to come out that, that would have been the time.

My faith has helped carry me through the hard times and to know that it is all apart of God's plan for me. Some days I just struggle with it. Not that often but it does still hit me every once in a while. I love and miss my little Kooper!

 Here is his tree this year. Because Kamryn loves to take all the decorations off, it's just the Koop tree this year!

Nativity Puppets

A few people have asked me to share the Nativity story puppets and story. I don't have time to tpye out the story part so I took a picture of it. Hopefully it is good enough quality to read!

Enjoy!