Miracles

Yesterday was one of those days. It all started with a grocery shopping trip with all the kids by myself. In the past I have had such good results that I tell myself, "I can go grocery shopping with a 5 year old, a 19 month old and a 8 month old! I can!" But after yesterday I promise to not go shopping with them all by myself until they are older! I wrote a whole post about it and then deleted it (it was very therapeutic) and now I have a new rule. If I am by myself I can only buy 5 things and get out of there!

As my day continued into the night I was hit with more things one right after the other and my patience was wearing thin. I still hadn't caught up on the sleep I had been deprived of and when I don't have my sleep I am not a fun person to be around. So the little things seemed worse.

Ryan got home from work early which normally cheered me up. I have a fun weekend to look forward to. I am going to Utah for my sisters baby shower and get to spend time with my family. But still I was in a depressed state. Ryan kept saying things to make me smile or laugh. But all I could think about what the negative.

I was wide awake at midnight with all these thoughts swirling through my head and sleep no where in sight. Ryan asked what was the matter. I told him everything and then started spilling out the real reasons for my bad mood. A few of them were really stupid things, but there was one thing that had been on my mind all day. One thing that was making everything else seem horrible.

I had watched a show on TLC that was talking about the first set of living septuplets and the fact that they were now going to be 13. The mother said, "they were miracles" and they were. It made me tear up. I wanted a miracle? Why couldn't I have had a miracle? Was I that far off the path that God had to do something so sad and horrible, that Kooper had to sacrifice a life on earth so that I could be placed back where I should have been all along. I carry this guilt sometimes that if I would have been going to church more often then Kooper wouldn't have had to die. I sometimes question it on the bad days but deep down I know it was just the way it was meant to be. Some days I still wish I could have had a miracle.

Today is a good day.I am preparing for a trip to Utah and I can't wait to see my parents and sisters! I have much more to do today so I better go off the computer.

Don't forget to vote for my Keegan, just click on the link at the top of my page!

New Flowers

Ryan has Mondays off and for the last month or so I have had Sunday nights off so we are actually able to spend some time together on Mondays. After Christmas we went and got Kooper's tree from the cemetery so they wouldn't throw it away. Unfortunately I hadn't picked up any new flowers before we went and it was a Sunday so I wasn't going to stop at Michael's to pick some new ones up. So I decided on Monday to go put new flowers in Kooper's vase. So we stopped at Michael's and they had their Valentines decorations out so I got a cute little wooden heart, new flowers and a cool blue pinwheel flower too. Keegan loved to watch the pinwheel flower spin in the wind. It was kind of a spur of the moment idea after we got into the car so we had no camera (thanks to cell phones with cameras I was able to take a picture) and we forgot the cleaning stuff to clean off his headstone. But I was glad I was able to do it so I didn't feel like a bad mom! That sounds kind of weird. But there aren't a lot of physical things I can do for Kooper anymore.

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Tired!

I feel like I am forgetting to do something at the end of the day and I thnk it's blogging. I miss the daily updates that I can look back on. Plus I found out that it takes my husband days before he even looks at my blog because he knows it isn't updated daily!

I swear this month is going by so slow! It feels like it has been January FOREVER! Does January always go by this slow?
I am surprised I am even up to blgging right now. Ryan doesn't usually work until later on Tuesdays so when I work on Monday nights I usually get to sleep for a little bit, that was not the case today. He left at 8am and Kamryn and Keegan woke up just in time....so it's been a long day and I am ready to call it a night and crawl into bed. The house is a disaster because I don't have the energy or the patience to clean it, since it will probably be destroyed in less than 10 minutes by a 5 year old and a 19 month old!

I really don't have anything to blog about but I don't like looking at my blog and seeing the same post for more than a day or two....I wish i had something cooler to post about.

I entered this cute picture of Keegan into a photo contest...it is only this week. So go vote for Keegan (click on his name to vote)!

Telling his story

When I first found out about Lanee's Legacy and that many LDS wards would volunteer to do box making nights to help with all the manpower of putting together these boxes I knew it was something that I wanted my ward to participate in. Then not too long after we had 2 families in our ward experience a loss of a baby. I definitely knew we needed to do it because it wax hitting so close to home for our ward. I am not trying to take any credit for them coming. I think somehow they would have ended up here anyways. I just got the info to our Humanitarian leader in our ward and I am grateful for them and getting it all set up.Last night Lanee's Legacy came out and we put together some boxes but first a few of us Angel Mommy's told our story to everyone that came to help out. 

All moms love to talk about their children and what they are good at and there sweet qualities. So anytime us Angel Moms get the opportunity to talk about our babies that most people are afraid to bring up (even though we would love for you to bring them up) and share them with anyone that will listen.

For me this was the first time I would be talking about Kooper and actually telling his story to a group of people. I have told many people, even strangers of my story, but I have never stood up and actually told his story. I didn't have a lot of time so Tuesday night and all day Wednesday I kept trying to decide what I wanted to share what I wanted to say and I thought I had it pretty much planned out. Because I was kind of all over the place at the  beginning. I was so nervous! Maybe I should have practiced, especially since I am not a good public speaker. I really dislike it. But I jumped at the chance to talk about Kooper.

So as soon as I get up here all the thoughts I had left my head. I rambled and I had so many thoughts jumping around that so did what I was talking about. I had to stop myself and pretty much start over. It started out pretty rocky. But as soon as I started over I felt like I got out what I wanted to. I actually don't even really remember what I said or if it made sense. There were so many things I wanted to tell but I knew that I didn't have the whole day, because I could go on and on about my .

I am so grateful that I got to share Kooper with those that were there. I thought there would have been more of a turn out considering the size of our ward. But it really didn't take that long to get all those boxes packed with the size of group we had!

I look forward to more opportunities to share Kooper's story and more opportunities to help Lanee's Legacy.

They are always accepting donations and you can even donate monetarily on their website.

Here are a few pictures from the Humanitarian Project:

Baby Girl box

Jessica's little boy Broc's mementos

My little monkey Kooper's mementos

Cheri's baby girl, Addison's mementos.

Christy's little boy Declan's mementos.

They even let me have a box to put Kooper's things in. It's already full!

Thank you Lanee's Legacy and thank you to all the wonderful ladies that came and helped out! The families that receive these boxes are going to appreciate more than you will ever know!

Car show

On Monday we all went to the Barrett Jackson car show. Ryan's work was a sponsor there and they even auctioned off a car that is just like this one below that Kade got to sit in. The money went to Cox Charities. It was fun to walk around and people watch and see all the neat cars. We were also able to see a few of Ryan's co-workers too! Of course Keegan was giving out his cute little flirty smiles to all the ladies too! Wish I had a picture of that!

Keegan

I was going to meet up with my friend Teri to do a craft and she took a few pictures of Keegan at the park before.  Keegan was so interested in the grass and leaves that it was hard to get a smile out of him! Maybe we need to spend more time outdoors?

We didn't even end up doing the craft, instead we went to playgroup at the park by my house. It was fun anyways!

  I will definitely share the craft when we finally do it. It's gonna be a cute one!

Markers!

This is what happens when your five year old gets into the markers...

he gives himself sharp teeth and turns into a dragon!