Triggers

I really need to update the blog with some pictures. My parents are visiting and we are having fun! The kids love it and I always enjoy hanging out with my parents. Ryan does too. Kade is on spring break and it is much easier for me to enjoy him when I have help keeping him entertained and occupied.


As I was driving to work  I started having thoughts of Kooper and started thinking of a blog post about these random thoughts I have had lately. It all flowed through my brain nicely and I knew that once I was able to try and get it out of my brain and onto the computer it wasn’t going to come out so nicely. Oh well. It’s written.

I have come to realize a trigger for my sadness and grief over Kooper. Usually I can talk about him, I can think about him and Kade can mention him and I smile. I miss him but I can still be happy within that moment. My heart doesn’t hurt badly and I can breath and everything is alright. I can look at my friends little girl SaraJane and not always think of Kooper. But one thing that takes me right back to that spot where my heart hurts is seeing pictures of a father and mother holding their new baby, so happy, proud and excited. Even the pictures of me holding my other kids bring back all those memories and make me a little sad. Sad that I didn’t get that. I originally thought that it was seeing baby pictures of SaraJane as a newborn. Sometimes seeing those pictures make my mind wonder. Not only do I miss him but I miss what could have been. How Jenna and I would have them play together, dress them in similar clothes oh the possibilities.

The piano music by Paul Cardell also takes me back to his funeral where it was playing in the background. It takes me back to staying up into the night listening to the music and staring at pictures of my baby bawling my eyes out. I am listening to it now only it doesn’t make me cry (usually).

I can’t even fathom right now how my life would be with him here with me. How would I handle 3 under 3 and a 5 year old? I would give anything to have it but I know it isn’t how God planned. I know I could do it. I may start sprouting grey hair a little earlier than planned but every grey hair would be worth it. Who of the three would Kade like the best? It is hard for me to imagine. I think it makes it easier when looking at little 2-3 year old boys. Because I have not seen Kooper at that age it doesn’t sting so bad. But seeing him as a newborn baby, I know what he looks like I can imagine him cradled in my arms and smell the sweet smell of baby and rubbing his soft hair on his head. Oh how I love that baby hair!

It sounds weird but I am grateful for those times where I get sad because it grounds me and reminds me of my eternal goal and being a better wife and mother. It makes me want to be better and it makes him real. As time has gone on it feels like it was all a dream as the sadness and pain gets easier to cope with. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little monkey. He is never far from my mind.

Miss him!

Parent Teacher Conference

Tonight Ryan and I took Kade to Parent Teacher Conference. We are so proud of Kade! He is doing so well in school and it makes me happy. We had someone come watch Kamryn and Keegan for a couple hours while Ryan and I went to PTC and then we took Kade to dinner afterwards at Red Robin. Unfortunately Kade was a little disappointed that the Robin was not there to walk around and shake hands and give high fives but it was fun to just be able to spend time with him and give him some special attention. Keegan and Kamryn occupy a lot of time so we don’t always have a whole lot of  alone time with just Kade and for four years he was used to it just being him. But when we asked if he liked it with just him or if he wished Kamryn and Keegan were with us. He said he wished his brother and sister were there with us. We must be boring!

My New Niece

 

So I have been waiting for my sister Ashley to do a blog post about her new little baby Maleaha…but she is a busy new mom so what can I say. She has too much going on to think about it. I can’t wait any longer….so here she is!

Maleaha Mora

Born February 25 at 11:53pm

She was 7 pounds 13 ounces and 20 inches long.

  

I wish I could be there to hold her! She looks so cute! I bet she smells like newborn and has the softest skin!

Keegan’s 9 months old!

My little guy is growing up! In a few months he is going to be 1! YIKES!  I have already started planning Keegan and Kamryn’s joint birthday party. It’s going to be lots of fun. Here is a sneak peak at the theme…any guesses? (if I told you, don’t guess).

It seems like they say that your last will grow up the fast, especially with a close older sibling that they are trying to keep up with and Keegan is growing up too fast.  Last week he started pulling himself up to standing with everything. The crib, stool, couch, my leg! He even took a few 4 steps with Kamryn’s little Buzz Lightyear bike thing. Honestly though the walking doesn’t scare me as much because at least it keeps his hands off the floor. I try to keep it clean but with everyone walking all over it the floor doesn’t stay clean for long. He is already on the move anyway.

So Mr. Keegan is a good eater and most of the time a good sleeper. Some nights he sleeps through the nights and others he wakes up and wants to snuggle. He is my snuggly boy and I love it! He is wearing mostly 12-18 month clothing. I need to take him for his 9 month checkup to get his “stats’!

He is such a fun boy but he sure is expressing himself a lot more. Lately he screams if you take anything away from him. He loves to pull Kamryn or CJ’s hair if he gets the chance. He loves his brother and sister. They make him laugh just by giving him a smile! He has developed a love for music. When his toy plays a tune he bounces along or when he is standing up to his leapfrog table and it plays a song he bounces his bum. So cute!

   

The great invention at Wal-Mart!

So today when I had to run to the store with all the kids I was really dreading it.  I have never seen these carts before and when I pulled in the parking lot I saw one and decided I had to try it! My biggest problem with shopping alone with the kids is having enough room with all of them and also fitting food in the cart. This even helps with Kade because then he isn’t running around and I’m not yelling at him. He really didn’t want to get his picture taken.  All the carts similar at Target or Fry’s don’t have the front baby seat option.  The Target one looks like it does but the spot where the legs stick through is closed. The other nice thing is that this baby turns on a dime! Love it. The carts I have used at Fry’s and Target…not so much! So this shopping trip wasn’t too bad and I actually was able to buy more than 5 things!

The best part of all is that they had fleece sleepers for $1. Keegan is all set for next winter!

PS I just started using Windows Live Writer to do my blog posts and I am in love! A million times easier to blog…plus I used up all my picasa space on Google so I wasn’t able to upload anymore pictures. Thanks Amy for suggesting it…wish I would have taken your advice sooner!

Running backwards

Early Wednesday morning as I was finishing up work I had the desire to go running when I got home or at least try to go running. I wasn’t sure how far I would make it. It has been way too long since the last time I ran. As the last few hours went by my eyes were getting heavier and I knew that I wasn’t going to make it on my run. So Wednesday night as I was having chips and salsa at 9pm I told myself I better go running in the morning to offset this horrible habit of late night eating. That habit should probably be broken.

Side note: Being pregnant for 3 years and then nursing for 7 months after that really ruins how much and when to eat. I am not the healthiest eater but being pregnant or nursing always gave me the excuse to basically eat when and how much I wanted. Now that I am not “eating for two” I need to act like it and really watch what I eat before I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant!

So anyhow I got up this morning and told myself I was going to go running and that I had to start sometime, why not today? I loved running before. It brought so much clarity and actually gave me time to think about the things I wanted to think about instead of being interrupted by one of the kids.

So I got dressed and off I went.

I hate running.

I struggled so bad. I don’t know if it is getting back into the routine or if I just don’t like It. I think part of it was I wasn’t distracted by my music because my iPod lost all it’s music just so I could sync it to another computer so Kamryn can watch Toy Story 3 on it. I just need to get the motivation to move my music onto the same computer.  I guess we will see. I hope that my love for running that I had after I had Kamryn will return. I love the idea, but the actual process today totally sucked.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Keegan

 

Today I had to take Keegan to the doctor. He has been so cranky especially at night adn I thought it was all due to the teeth, but nothing was helping and he had a runny nose and a small fever the other day so I figured he may have an ear infection.

Shortest doctors appointment EVER! I checked in at 3:26 and we were out the door at 3:40 with a prescription for antibiotics! He weighs a whopping 21 pounds and some change! He is such a happy baby and for the past few days has been pulling himself up to the couch…great!

So when he was 7 1/2 months old my friend Teri took some pictures of him and they turned out so cute! I have been so busy with everything that I haven’t had anytime to post them.

So here they are!