Kooper would have been seven months old today. Time flies by so fast! I look at other seven month old babies and it's hard for me to picture what he would look like. I am sure he would be a chubby little guy just like his big brother was at 7 months.

I wanted to post a picture of Kooper and his Daddy! Not many have seen this picture. This great Angel Mommy Melinda touched up this picture for me. I love it and wanted to share.

I also wanted to share a poem that came with a Christmas Tree ornament that Ryan's aunt Deb gave Kooper for Christmas.

If Tears Could Build a Stairway

If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken.
No time to say "Goodbye"
You were gone before I knew it
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness
and secret tears still flow
What it meant to love you-
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
Tor remember all the happy times,
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today-
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.

Kids have alot to say if you just take a minute to actually listen!

Sometimes kids say the things you need to hear most and if you don't pay attention then you might miss out on some of the best insights. Some of you may look at what Kade said to me and say that it is just something kids say and others might look at it in a way that I do. Kids are so much closer to the veil then us adults and I think that sometimes they dream or see or somehow just know things because they are so close to the veil.

This story may seem to jump around but all these events I am telling you about lead to this wonderful feeling that is in my heart and soul right now.


Sunday after church I was asked to go to a Young Women fireside that 11 stakes were invited to. Normally I wouldn't have the feeling of, I don't really want to go, but I had just worked the night before and came straight to church after getting some sleep. We also have late church and don't get out until 5 and the fireside started at 6pm. So when the Young Womens president asked. I said sure. I didn't have anything else to do but eat because I was starved! So I ran home and ate and one of the Laural advisers and I carpooled. Speaking at the fireside was the First Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency, Sister Mary Nielsen Cook. And also Elder Michael D. Pickerd of the Seventy was there as a special guest. I was so happy I went because I am the Young Women Personal Progress Leader and for those of you that don't know they have added a new value to the Young Women theme: Virtue. That also means another value to pass off! So she talked about the virtue and being a virtuous women. We then read in 1 Nephi chapter 8 about the Iron Rod and the Tree of Life. It was a very good talk and I became very motivated by it to be better at some of the areas I have been lacking in.


On Monday nights Ryan has been going bowling with some friends at 9:00 and I usually scrapbook. Many times Kade and I lay on the couch and watch Little People Big World and then John and Kate plus 8 comes on. Kade loves that show he calls it, "the kid show." I know I know it is kind of late for a 3 year old to be staying up, but then I get to sleep in! So anyways as Kade and I were watching they showed previews of the upcoming Little People Big World where Matt the father goes to Iraq or Afghanistan (honestly I can't remember which one it is). It shows him with a little boy who is sick on the table and out of it from anaesthesia and doctors in scrubs. Kade begins to tell me, "that's like Kooper." Randomly when he sees sick kids in hospitals whether it be on ER or just on a random TV show he will tell me it's like Kooper. He then tells me that Kooper is in the Tree. Many times after Kooper died Kade and I would get into discussions about Kooper and where he is. Kade usually says from now on that Kade is with Jesus and Heavenly Father. But a while back he kept telling me that Kooper was in the tree. I would always just say ok and not think anything of it. Well last night he reminded me that Kooper was in the tree and then also said to me, "He cried until he touched the tree." and I asked him again what he said and he repeated the same thing. I didn't think anything of it at that point.

Later that night I was laying in bed thinking about my lesson that I would have to give on Sunday and the talk that was given by Sister Cook. I started thinking about all the things she said and remembered the scriptures we read about the Tree of Life. It hit me, Kade was talking about the Tree of Life. I had a hard time not jumping out of bed wanting to read the scriptures again, but it was already 3:00 AM and I really thought I should try and get some sleep.

So this morning as I opened my scriptures the first thing I noticed as I went to 1 Nephi chapter 8 was the words I had written in seminary. Tree = Christ along with another scripture, 1 Nephi 11:19. So I read Chapter 8 and then decided to go to the scripture I had written in. The following scriptures stood out to me:

The end of verse 21 which reads,
Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which they father saw?

22. And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.

23. And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.

24. And after he had said theses words, he said unto me: Look! and I looked, and I beheld the Son of God going forth among the children of men; and I saw many fall down at his feet and worship him.

25. And it came to pass that I beheld that the rod of iron, which my father had seen, was the word of God, which led to the fountain of living waters, or to the tree of life; which waters are a representation of the love of God; and I also beheld that the tree of life was a representation of the love of God.

In the past few months I have wondered about Kooper. The church doesn't really have a stance on stillbirth but Joseph Smith does. I have believed what he has written but still I have wondered why there has been nothing else about stillborn children. So recently it has been in my prayers to know that Kooper is fine and is apart of our eternal family and the things which I believe and have read from Joesph Smith are true. I think that the words Kade spoke to me were the answer to my prayer.

I truly know that Kooper is with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know that we are an Eternal Family and will be reunited.




I am so grateful that I went to seminary and wrote the notes in my scriptures and that I went to the fireside on Sunday.

Sometimes when your kids talk remember to really listen. They just might be answering your prayers!

Being a Mom is such a blessing!

As I was reading a few of other Angel Mommies blogs one Mom brought up, "Mommy marks" I was super lucky to not get any Mommy marks with Kade (actually I got a very small one that was about an inch long). But after my belly shrunk back down you couldn't see it. Kooper was so active and long he left lots of Mommy marks! At first as they started to come I thought great my stomach will never look the same. As I was in the hospital awaiting Kooper's arrival knowing he wouldn't come home with me. I realized that these Mommy marks were the best part about me. I tell people that Kooper has literally left his mark on me. I love them. As they started to fade I kind of felt sad. Even though they are so ugly. They are my proof he was here in my belly.

BABY update: An oh so exciting thing happened to me on Sunday night. Saturday night I was really bothered that I hadn't REALLY felt the baby move. I thought I might have but I wasn't 100% positive. I started to worry because Saturday I felt great. Not sick at all. All I could think about was, this is a sign of miscarriage. Not feeling the symptoms and then the baby hasn't moved yet and I was positive that I had started feeling Kooper move by this time. I started having anxiety and thought if I don't feel this baby soon then I am calling the doctor on Monday. My next appt would be an ultrasound and I am not walking into an ultrasound to find that my baby had no heartbeat. (I know that seems so pessimist, but once you go through what I have it makes you think that ANYTHING can happen to you or your baby, everything isn't always pretty and perfect) I do know that it's all in God's hands, so I prayed. I prayed that I would feel the baby and that everything would be fine. Well Sunday came, so did the nauseating feeling I have had for most of this pregnancy. I guess God figures that I need proof I am pregnant and if being sick all the time makes me feel more pregnant than that's the way it has to be. Sunday night after the cardinals game I started feeling the baby kick. Not from the outside though. And then I woke up at 4am Monday morning and I felt the baby kicking. I put my hand on my tummy and I felt the baby kick 4 times!!!! I woke Ryan up and said I can feel it! And I grabbed his hand. By the time he rolled over and put his had on my tummy, no more kicking. So pretty soon he will get to feel our little baby kicking around.

Kade likes to talk about the baby in my tummy and whenever mentioned he wants to see and wants to look at my belly. I am not sure he understands what he is in for. His little brother isn't here with us so I don't know what he is expecting when this little one arrives, but I look forward to seeing them bond. In sunbeams they have been talking about how we came to earth to get a body. It was so cute, the other day he and I were looking at pictures of Kooper. Most of the pictures in my house are closeups of his face. As the one came up with his entire body he said, Kooper has a body! And it was a perfect moment to let Kade know that yes, he does and that's all he needed to go back to live with our Heavenly Father. He came down here to get his body. And then Kade continued to let me know that Kooper lives with Jesus Christ too! Kade makes me smile. It is so amazing how much he learns!

Scrapbooking Goals

I am dedicating Monday nights (9pm-whenever) to scrapbooking. It is about the only time I have to scrapbook and I have a very challenging goal to live up to. I had this same goal a year ago, but this time I am determined to complete it. My goal is to catch up on Kade's scrapbook by the time this next baby arrives. It was catch up by the time Kooper arrived and that sure didn't happen. As you will see below I have only gotten to July 2006, so I have a ways to go, but I am determined. Tonight I did 3 pages and thought I would share. They were probably the easiest pages I have done in a while because I didn't put a ton of effort into them. I bought the paper along with the matching stickers while I was in UT. The other 2 holiday layouts are from a scrapbook club that I joined. They give you all the materials for a bunch of layouts and another fun crafty scrapbook thing. I will get one every other month.

July 2006

Christmas 2006

The present with the green ribbon unties and on each square there is a picture. I adhered it to the outside of my page protector.

T-BALL!!!

Kade started T-ball on Saturdays. I didn't know this when I signed him up, but all parents are assistant coaches and so guess who gets to play T-ball with Kade every Saturday for 6 weeks!? ME. It's not so much a bad thing, but it is something that I wish Ryan would do and I sat on the sidelines and took pictures or use the video camera. But due to Ryan's work schedule the job is up to me. He is good at throwing the ball. They learned the name of each base and the order you run them in. He wasn't too keen on the idea of listening to some stranger tell him what to do, so it took him a little bit to warm up.

Since I am an "assistant coach" I don't really get the chance to take pictures of Kade and capture this lovely experience. I would love to have gotten a picture of him and the kid next to him pouting on the ground because they didn't want to stretch or do all that boring stuff! So after they ran the bases I tried to get a few snapshots.

Getting in line to run the bases. Kade not paying attention to anything the coach is saying!

After running the bases.

Spilt milk!

Okay, so I was thinking about some of the funny things Kade has done lately and I wanted to document them because I remember alwasy asking my Mom and Dad what sort of trouble I got into when I was younger or funny stories of things that I did.

So I didn't work last night because Kade came down with Croup on Monday night and I didn't want to completely expose the daycare with it and I worry about him having a croup attack at night while I am working. So I stayed home with my little boy.

Last night he wanted some cereal. I asked if he wanted milk. He said no. So I left him with his bowl of cereal. About 5 minutes later I hear an, "uh-oh" and I walk into the kitchen. Kade has poured his own milk! See picture below.

Then we were lounging around watching TV and a commercial for the shower cleaner that you push a button and it sprays your entire shower came on. He was walking around and happened to be standing less than a foot away from the TV and started to back up because it looked like he was going to get sprayed and he tripped over his toys. I was laughing so hard. I guess you had to be there.

Also yesterday I had a doctors appt. The baby is looking good. I even got a few prints of the Ultrasound he did. It wasn't an ultrasound visit and Dr. McKernan isn't that great with his old ultrasound machines he keeps in his regular appt rooms. But I got to see the little peanut!

Below is a picture of the ultrasound. I didn't really want to take the time to scan it.
I have an ultrasound on February 17th. Hopefully that will be the day we find out if we are having another boy or a gril!

Can't wait.

Time goes by so fast...

I am so amazed out how fast time flies by! It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant with Kooper and then holding him in my arms in disbelief that something like this could or would ever happen to me.

Kooper,

You are such a special boy! You have touched so many people and have brought families closer together and most importantly reminded your family what the most important thing in this life is. You have taught me so much and helped me become closer than ever to our Heavenly Father and our Christ. You are have such a sweet spirit and I can't wait until I can hold you in my arms again. Your big brother misses you so much.

I know you are in the best place anyone could be; away from all the evils of this world. Watching over us. We love and miss you so very much and think about you every day. Till we meet again!

Hugs and Kisses

Mommy, Daddy and Kade

There are times I think of Kooper and my heart hurts because I am being selfish and wish that he were here. My heart hurts even more when I think of Kade and his feelings on having a little brother, but not actually having him here. Today he saw a baby and said, "Mom, I want one of those." He loves it when another baby or kid younger than he is around. I can't wait for Kade to be a big brother to an earthly brother or sister so he can experience being the big brother. I know he will be great at it!

Anyways this post is supposed to be about Kooper. He would have been six months old today. Yesterday as I was driving to work I was thinking about what he would look like now. If he would be really chubby like Kade was, if he would still have lots of dark hair or if it would have all fallen out. If he would have teeth yet. If he would be sleeping through the night or up every 3-4 hours to eat. What color would his eyes be? What would his laugh sound like when his silly big brother made a funny face?

I am so thankful for the sacrifice our loving Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ have made so that we could be forgiven for our sins and be with our families again. Not only to be resurrected but to also be forgiven and try our best to be like Christ and for the opportunity that we have to be together with him in his Kingdom. I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the Church. I would be lost without it.

Sorry about the post being all over the place. I guess I have many mixed emotions today.