Boys and their toys!

Last night Kade was fighting the whole bed time things so I told him he could lay on the couch, if he were to get off the couch then he would go to his room. Well I was a little pre-occupied with some other things and he was really quiet so I didn't think to check on him. I could tell from the kitchen that he was on the couch and being pretty quiet especially for an almost 4 year old. When it was silent and I could tell he was fast asleep I walked over to the couch and this is what I found.

Take notice that none of these toys really relate...hammer, bat, Buzz, Batman, dinosaur...very random.

New flowers for Kooper

Sometimes I really wish that I took more time in choosing Kooper's resting place. The cemetery he is buried at has been frustrating me to no end. Every time I go I end up mad and that isn't the feeling that I want to have after visiting the burial site of my sweet little boy. It seemed so perfect him being buried in Babyland with lots of other little babies. There are just so many restrictions on what you can do and not everybody get effected by these rules. There is a rule that nothing can be sticking in the ground, although I see a few with wrought iron shepherds hooks or the flag holders where you can put flags for different holidays. Well I had a cute little firefly wrought iron stick and I put it far into the ground so it wasn't drawing much attention and when we would visit it was pulled out of the ground and put in the vase. I would just put it back and then one day we came and it was gone. I am not sure if the cemetery removed it or if someone stole it. But as I looked around everybody else who had something similar, theirs was still intact. I let it go and said to myself rules are rules. So Tuesday we decided to get some Easter decorations and go put them up. I got these cute little eggs that you can stick in floral decorations or the ground. We went to the cemetery and when I got there his sunflowers were gone, his vase was bent like it got ran over. I am guessing that it got run over by their little golf carts they drive around or someone who has no respect and traded their vase for ours. They are removable so when you aren't using them you turn them upside down and they are stored in the ground. I was so upset. Luckily that day my cup wasn't full so I didn't completely flip out. We went down the road to Michael's and I bought some new flowers and a squirt bottle to clean off his marker. I am afraid if I call the cemetery I might just start bawling to the point that they won't even understand me, or start yelling at them which would get me no where. I am hoping I can get Ryan to do it on his next day off. I am hoping they will replace his vase and maybe they will stop driving their golf carts over peoples headstones and enforce the same rules for anybody or let me do the same. I know they drive the carts over headstones because I have seen the tracks.

Sometimes I wish I would have had the money for a nice bench so there was no way they were running over my baby. But since Kooper died before he was able to take a breath outside my tummy he wasn't covered under any sort of life insurance so we didn't have $15,000 to spend on a nicer marker. I know it doesn't really matter. I am sure Kooper could care less what kind of marker he has. One day I will fight for that right for parents who lose their babies. He is a baby that if born would have easily survived and there should be no reason why he wasn't covered under life insurance. He is no different than Kade or any other baby. That is a whole other post.

Sorry this turned into a negative post, I just feel like there isn't much more I can do for Kooper right now and to make the place where his body is laid beautiful.

The bent vase....

Bowling

On Monday's Ryan started going bowling with his co-workers. He used to bowl in Jr. leagues when he was younger and after high school kept up his bowling until he moved down here to AZ. Well he is back in the groove. He is enjoying it and is getting better all the time. For Christmas he got a new ball and some shoes that actually fit. Anyway Kade and I decided to join him last Monday night. Kade did a little break dancing after every time he bowled. It was really cute. Here are some pics.

Waiting for his ball.

Doing some breakdancing and Daddy waiting for a high-five.

Ribbon, Ribbon, and more Ribbon

Since finding out I was pregnant again my friend Jenna kept saying I hope it's a girl so we can make fun bows, because she is the expert bow maker. After I found out it was a girl the next time I was in Mesa visiting we headed to the ribbon store and there we found the cutest ribbon boards to hold all your cute bows and this really cute lamp decorated with different ribbon. So last Monday Jenna and I took another trip to the ribbon store and bought all the supplies to make a ribbon board and then off to Kmart for a lamp.


Here are the finished boards....

Kamryn's

SarahJane's

This is the lampshade that I made...using coordinating ribbon.

Spring Training

Yesterday my Mom, Kade and I went to a spring training game in Tempe. My Mom is an Angels fan so we went to see the Angels vs the Rockies. It was a good game. I don't even know who won because we left a little early. We had lots of fun and got to soak up some sun too! Here are a few pictures. Kade had the most fun playing on the bleachers and repeating everything the guy behind us yelled. Fortunately he watched what he was saying or the crowd around us may have heard my little boy use some bad words! We went to look at the merchandise to see if they had any cool hats but there wasn't much that would fit Kade. He really wanted those miniature wooden bats, but the only thing that was running through my mind was him having a temper tantrum and the things he could do with it. Who knows what would happen to my house or our dog....I wouldn't trust my kid with a bat! So in the last picture of the day he wasn't very happy as you can see. He didn't get his way.

Angel's Dugout

Grandma Keren and Kade

My little MONKEY!

8 months goes by so fast. It feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital holding my Kooper. I can hardly believe that today he would have been 8 months old! I miss him so much I can hardly find words. Yesterday morning I was talking to a relative of another Angel Mommy. As she told the story of her granddaughter It brought back so many memories of my experience and I just started crying. I tell my patients at work about my kids all the time and that I am a proud Mom to 2 soon to be 3 wonderful kids. I let them know what happened to Kooper some dig further and ask for details others say I'm sorry and we move on. But He is and always will be apart of my everyday life. I am proud to be his Mom. It was just so weird to me that it was any other day and I guess hearing a friends story again that was so similar to mine just brought back the memories so vividly. Kooper is such a blessing to our family. He is loved and missed so much.

On Monday we went to visit our friends, RD and Jenna. We weren't able to be with them to celebrate RD's birthday, so we visited Monday and went to lunch. As we walked in to Red Robin I was holding there sweet little Sarah Jane. It made me think about how I could honestly be this pregnant with my almost 8 month old and then be chasing after my almost 4 year old. HOW CRAZY! I don't know how some of you women do it.

I love and miss you my little Monkey!



This is the monkey that is on his headstone and also his Memorial cards/program. I LOVE IT!

Fridays

Today I am feeling very lonely. Yes I will be spending time with my sweet husband and funny boy tonight, but sometimes it just really feels like someone important is missing. I think that I get that way especially when something doesn't go the way that I want it to. When I am somewhat disappointed that it didn't work out I look back on how and why my life sucks and then I realize that I have so many blessings. It's kind of like when you have had the worst day ever and then you get home and your child smiles at you, or your dog just runs up and starts licking your face because he can tell you are sad. I just want to hold my little boy.I don't want to do a poor me rant because I am lucky. I don't have to worry about Kooper I know he is in the best place ever and that I will be with him again. I don't have to worry about him going to school and getting with the wrong group of friends or worry he will fall away from the church. He will be there waiting for me and it's up to me to fulfill my end of the bargain so we can be together again. I worry constantly what the future holds for Kade. I hope he has the desire to have good friends,eventually go on a mission and to be married in the temple. Although Kooper is in a better place now I still miss my baby so much today. I wish I were doing this.... (wellnot exactly but holding my Kooper, you get the point)


Thursday nights and the days of Friday can still be hard for me. I went into the hospital on a Thursday night and had Kooper on Friday. Every Friday when I look at the clock I think of the time that I got to spend with him. I miss him so much. He is a blessing to our family and has made me a better person and a better Mom.

I just have to share a funny comment Kade made the other day. We were walking around in Sam's Club and got to the clothes. Kade picked up a little girls outfit and held it up to my belly and said, "Kamryn, do you like this?" and then a few seconds later looked at me and said, "Yep, she does."

I am off to go pick up Kade from daycare. I am sure he will fulfill that empty feeling when he runs up screaming "Mommy!"