I love my husband!

Our engagement photo.

I just wanted to tell you Ryan that I love you. I am so lucky to have you as not only my husband but eternal companion. I feel like a horrible wife because all I do is sleep! My new work schedule sucks, but it will have to work for now. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate all you do, for Kade and I. For all the housework you've picked up on and having to take care of Kade alot more by yourself than you have been used to. You are such a great Dad and Husband.

Since Ryan and I have been married we haven't gotten many pictures of us taken together. So I thought I would share some from the past. Sweet memories!

Here is a picture from Ryan's senior prom in 2000.

He came up from Phoenix to be at my Senior Prom in 2003.

I have not posted picture from our wedding here before so here are some of my favorites. Ryan and I were married August 9, 2003. We were sealed for time and all eternity 2 years later in the Logan LDS temple.

Here is our beautiful wedding cake that my Aunt Pam made.

Some of the funny details of the wedding that I remember are how nervous Ryan was, that he would say the wrong thing. And how annoyed I was that we had to take so many pictures. And how we had to check in to the place we were staying by a certain time so on the way to our Reception/Dinner we had to stop and check in at the Anniversary Inn and I truely did wait out in the car and it seemed like forever. Well by the time we got to our recpetion/dinner everyone assumed that we had stopped "in" the room. Which was kind of embarassing, especially since we didn't. How as Ryan and I walked back down the isle after we were married my neice Tasia (flowergirl) and cousin Ryan (ringboy) kept trying to jump on the train of my dress.

Here are some of my favorite details: Our song that we walked back down the isle together as a married couple was, "When you say Nothing at All" played on the piano by someone my mom hired. And then my boquet was my favorite accessory. It was exactly how I pictured it. It had orange and pink ribbon laced down the long stems. I wish i had a picture!

That was one of the happiest days of my life. One that you wish you could relive every once in a while.

Anyways, Thank you Ryan. For making me smile and laugh for the last 9 years and being my sweet husband for the last 5! You truely are amazing, and I love you.

I miss you!

Kooper,

You're always on my mind and forever in my heart. I will always remember you and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

With lots of love! XOXOX

Your proud Mommy!

Being there for others.

So this morning I woke up at 4 am. Yes I know CRAZY, but my sleep schedule has been so off lately that it actually isn't that crazy for me.

Anyhow I woke up and couldn't get Kooper off my mind. I started thinking about what if, what if it happens again. I started to panic a little wondering if God would think I am strong enough to go through it again. Wondering if I could ever come out sane if it happened again. But he knows me better than myself. He has a plan and really there isn't much I could do about it to change it. He won't give me more than I can handle. He has blessed me so much. All I can do is thank him for all that I have.

So I started thinking about the things my doctor told me, how he would let me borrow a doppler next time and how I would have lots and lots of ultrasounds and go in for non-stress test almost weekly as I reached the end. This then reminded me of being pregnant with my best friend Jenna. How we both went into labor on July 3rd. Lucky her, she was dilated, poor me was sent home. I started thinking about the last ultrasound we had of our little guy on July 1st. Just replaying those last weeks of his life in my mind, of what I actually could remember.

I tried and tried to go back to sleep but I just kept getting this nagging feeling. So I decided that since I have slept soooo much lately and haven't checked my e-mail in who knows how long that I would do that.

This may sound weird, but ever since I lost Kooper every Sunday I look at the obituaries in my hometown newspaper. I did it before, but not as often as I do know. I realized that I actually hadn't looked in a while. Unfortunately there was an obituary of a little stillborn baby girl Olivia. As I read the obituary I saw something unexpected. The father of this little girl was a friend of mine when I was in elementary school who about a year ago contacted me and added me to his Myspace. I didn't really talk to him much, because well I hadn't really talked to him since Elementary school.

I sent him a message right away. Because I have had so many others be there for me. Who knew how I felt. And I wanted him to know that I was there for him and his significant other. I knew that there was a reason I couldn't get Kooper off my mind and it must have been that I needed to contact him.

I just want to say Thanks to everyone who has been there for me. For all the support and love that our family has felt. We really do appreciate it!

Just wanted to share...

I just wanted to share this blog post by a women I don't really know, I have just been stalking her blog since I found it. Her words have many times given me strength and remind me of who's in charge and thinking of the Eternal perspective, not the worldly perspective. But I understand. I feel the way she feels sometimes. She too lost her baby and knows how I feel. It is a really good post and if you have a minute, read it, it may make you want to start from the begining of her story. She has such a great strength.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/11/redeemed.html

So I haven't looked at my profile on Myspace in quite a while. I forgot what it even looked like, so today I went there and found a very true saying that I put up shortly after my older sister Bree was in a bad car accident almost 2 years ago. At the time we didn't really know what to expect out of it, as she was heavily sedated due to the swelling in her brain. Thankfully she is doing great and we are so glad she is still here and part of our lives!!

Anyhow this saying fits a lot of life's good and bad times. When I read it I think of Kooper and how much he has changed my life and those around me. I think of how it has made me the person I am today. Hopefully a better person.

There are moments in your life
that make you and set the course
of who you're going to be.
Sometimes they are little, subtle
moments. Sometimes they're big
moments you never saw coming.
No one asks for their life to
change, but it does. It's what
you do afterwards that counts.
That's when you find out who you are.

4 months ago...

I wish I could have posted this yesterday. But hey, better late than never.

My little monkey would have been 4 months old yesterday. I think about him and miss him every day. Last Saturday while my parents were visiting I took them to see Kooper's headstone in person. I thought I would post some pictures, since it shows his little pumpkin Kade picked out for him!

Yesterday before my parents went back to Utah, we went to Red Robin for lunch. Of course Kade had to have a balloon. I don't remember if he picked it or whoever grabbed it for him randomly grabbed a white balloon. As soon as we reached the doors he said, "I wanna let it go!" as soon as he took one step ousite the ribbon slid ride out of his hands and flew up to the sky. I asked him where his balloon was going. He said to Koopert (he alwasy adds a T to the end of his name, I don't know why). Kade loves his little brother so much. It is so strange how no matter how well or how much you know someone that such a bond can form between two brothers. He brings up his little brother often and I am so grateful for that. I want him to know and love his little brother and to remember him always. He loves to show new people that come to our home pictures of his little brother. He is so proud. Kade is such an example to us and we love him very much!

I know I have posted this picture before, but I don't have any other pictures of Kade and Kooper together. I love this picture!




Happy 4 month Birthday Kooper! We love and miss you so much!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Kade had a blast last night! He didn't do too much trick-or-treating, but enough to get way too much candy! He loved helping us pass out candy. We sat out in front of the garage and Kade got to see all the fun costumes. As each trick-or-treater thanked him, he always said, "You're welcome." He was so cute, acting all grown up.

He loved being Batman! Right before we went outsite he looked up at me, and said, "Mommy, Batman has to go potty!"