Sunday, February 28, 2010
So we rush and get ready for church. This week we swapped buildings so that another stake could have stake conference and use the stake center. So we were in a completely different church. It was kind of funny because every once in a while you would see a family walk in to sacrament and then look at each other and look around and walk right out. They must have forgot we were swapping buildings.
Then we go to walk out to the car to go home and we hear sirens....there was a car accident right by the church and there were 3 fire trucks and as we drove off we saw a life flight helicopter.
Kade showed me a picture of our family that he drew. I have NEVER seen him draw a picture of people. Just scribbles and lines, but he drew everyone in our family. I don't know if someone in his class showed him how but I was so proud. When we got home he drew everyone again.
Then he and I played a little game. I wrote every one's name in our family on a small piece of paper. I folded them up and he drew a name and then would have to tell me what name he drew. He did pretty well. He only go confused on Kamryn, Keegan, and Kooper. He got Kade, Kami, Ryan, CJ, and Perry really well.
Then I went to take a nap and had one of the BEST naps ever! Maybe because it was dark. Kade even fell asleep with me and we slept for a good 2-3 hours!
Now it's time for dinner and I'm starved....by the way Ryan tells me I am in about 2nd place in our Fantasy NASCAR league...and for the past 2 weeks I have forgot to even change my drivers....haha Maybe that should be my tactic to win!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Back to the point. Yesterday I finally let her eat these foods. I was waiting until she had at least one tooth to make me feel better, but decided that she does a good job of chewing when I give her breads and things that I am sure she would be fine. She did great and in the words of Jenna (my OT friend) even used the "pincer grasp"! The only hard part for her was actually getting them off her hand. Sometimes if they were slobbery they would stick. At one point she kept picking one up putting it up to her mouth and then pick another one up and then I would open her hand to find that she had 3 or 4 in her hand. She just liked the motion I guess. In not much time she finally got the concept of keeping it in between her fingers so that she could get it in her mouth!
It wasn't so scary after all. Now I just need to work on getting her to drink out of her sippy cup instead of chewing on it. She seems to think it's a toy or teether.
I also found out yesterday that she loves chocolate ice cream and spaghettios! Like mother like daughter!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Have you ever been driving behind or next to someone and notice they are picking their nose....and really going at it. Then you see them EAT it! Yuck...full grown man!
Have you ever been driving and seen someone in a motorcycle helmet....a full-face one? It was an older van that probably didn't have airbags...maybe he was just trying to protect himself?
Have you ever been driving behind 2 ladies in a car and they are just yakking each others ear off going 10 under the speed limit? I have probably done this one once or twice.
Have you ever seen someone driving, smoking, eating, and doing their makeup at the same time?
Have you ever been driving and seen a mom holding her baby's bottle (the baby is sitting in the backseat) with her spare hand while screaming at her son, while driving? (Wait that one I didn't see....that was me!)
Have you ever been driving and think to yourself....if anyone looks at me or sees me they are going to think I am crazy? I have a few times, those moments when I am really upset and yelling at Kade, or the moments when I am bawling because of something (I usually put on the sunglasses to shield anyone knowing), or the moments to release anger, happiness or sadness when you are screaming the words to your favorite song at the top of your lungs!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Kade noticed Kooper's outfit that you see in all the pictures of him. I have it in a glass cabinet with other things of his.
Kade pointing to the cabinet: "Mom, Kooper lost his pajamas!"
Me: "He didn't lose them,he just left them here on earth."
Kade: "We need to take them to him."
Me: "He doesn't need them right now."
Kade: "I want to see him. Can we take him his pajamas? I saw him, last night. (everything in the past is last night) I wore my suit and a tie, the blue one, and I held a flower and I took my picture." (he was talking about the funeral.)
Me: "You did see Kooper then."
Kade: "Can you tell Jesus Christ to bring him back home?"
Me: "I don't think he can bring him back home yet, but one day we will get to see Kooper and Jesus."
I am glad that telling him that he will see him one day eases his mind enough to move on and be happy with that. It's hard being a grown up because we know that one day could mean many many years.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I think I will be making a trip soon to pick up the next book of the series...but I am going to try and hold off reading it until next Sunday!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Keegan is kicking around and seems to be having a great time in there. Hopefully Kamryn isn't squishing him too much.
Well, I am pooped. After working last night and getting a short nap today I am ready to SLEEP!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tears came to my eyes but I held it together. I love it that he remembers his brother. It makes me so very happy when he does.
Just yesterday I was reading in the Gospel Principles book we are having our lessons out of in Relief Society at church. I came across the Postmortal Spirit World lesson. Here is a quote by President Ezra Taft Benson about where the Postmortal Spirit World is: "Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us." and then President Brigham Young taught that the postmortal spirit world is on the earth around us.
I love that reminder to know that Kooper is close to our family even though he seems so far away.
We love and miss you Kooper!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Ryan and I weren't super active before Kooper died. We went to church probably 1-2 times a month, many times we would only go to sacrament and then leave. So we knew people but not everybody knew us. So even after those events there were many who didn't even know.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I have to admit I am an overprotective parent. I still make Kade leave the door open while in the tub. I know it usually doesn't matter how much water is in there, there is a chance of drowning but I don't let Kade have a very full tub. Maybe a couple inches. It took a while before I would even leave Kade unattended in the bath. Because you never know. Still I yell to him or go check on him if I haven't heard him splashing or talking for a minute.
Every year I read in the newspaper about an infant or toddler that got left in the bathtub alone or with another child for a few minutes and they either died or were in serious condition. Honestly your excuse is you went to answer the phone? HELLO don't you think that can wait? I am just so furious. Another thing that goes along with that are the people who don't have fences around their pools (my next door neighbor is one of them). You have to be soooo careful and remind yourself that you can't just leave and go in to answer the phone or grab something. Or hope that your toddler doesn't sneak out the back door. You can't trust another child to be the "adult" and watch them. They get so distracted even adults do let alone a 5 year old. Especially in the tub, they might think they are playing and not even inform you until the baby is almost dead.
When Kade was younger before I put him in the tub I made sure I had everything I needed. Phone, towel, washcloth, shampoo and then he could get in.
Another thing is that my neighbor who doesn't have a gate has a 2 year old little boy. She also wants to have more kids, what are you thinking not having a gate around your pool? Could you live with the guilt? I couldn't. On top of it twice in the past week I have found their gate to the backyard OPEN! Which infuriates me. I will be talking to them soon and if it doesn't get fixed I will be the rude neighbor that REPORTS them because in Surprise it is the law that you have a have a sprig on your gate that makes it automatically shut if left open.
My rant and rage is over with. I just needed to get that out!
Ok so here was my post I wrote a few weeks ago after hearing of a similar event that happened in Utah.
When I think about preventing what happened to Kooper, the what ifs so that he could be here with us now, it just leads to something happening to him in the first few years of his innocent life. Because I have such a strong testimony that he was needed in heaven, that Heavenly Father needed him for something more important. He accomplished all the he needed to on earth with the time I got to spend with him. He gained a body and also changed our life forever. He helped our testimonies grow. He changed our life so much and I know that was part of the plan. I have always had this strong feeling that if we were to have caught the knot in his cord before it took his life that he wouldn't be here long. Maybe a few years. I would love to have even a few years with him, but could I handle it? Could I handle losing a child whom I have created so many memories with? Could Ryan or Kade handle losing him after spending time with him? As I have read and heard stories of other Mom's who have lost their sons due to accidents or illness it scares me. It hurts me and I know that it would hurt me so much more than the pain I felt when I lost Kooper. It would have taken a much larger piece of my heart. I would be way more over protective of a mom than I already am. Honestly I can't imagine me being much more over-protective than I already am. I mean come on I broke up the baby goldfish for Kade until he was 3! just kidding.... maybe he was 2. So how would I react if Kooper would have died in an accident whether it was being hit by a car or drowning (my ultimate biggest fear), or other things that can happen? I wouldn't let my kids leave my sight for a long time. Kamryn has had 1 person watch her other than family since she was born....does that tell you anything? I just don't think I could handle the guilt of what if I would have done this or what if I would have done that....because I know that if he lived there is not doubt in my mind that he wouldn't have lived for very many years.
I am 100% positive no ifs ands or buts that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Kooper happened for a reason. He was taken for a reason and I have to be okay with that because if I wasn't than that would mean that I didn't have full trust and faith in the Lord. I do get sad and wonder why at times but I remind myself to have faith and know that it happened for a reason.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Me: What do you think we should name the baby, Krue or Keegan?
Me: We can't name him Dylan, that is your friend's name and plus it doesn't start with a K. I think we should name him Krue.
Kade: What does Daddy think we should name him?
Kade: I like Keegan! Keegan! Keegan!
Me: I guess I am out numbered. The votes go to Keegan.
So there you have it. Keegan Krue Perry. Even though this may be his name, you never know I may end up calling him Krue! I guess we will have to wait and see what he looks like. Don't hold me too accountable...I am pregnant and this is my blog! A week before Kade was born I contemplated changing his name to Jaxson.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It was a perfect date and I can't wait to do it again. I do look forward to seeing Dear John, which was the movie we were going to go to, but now I have time to read the book before our next date!
Thanks Hunny for a GREAT DATE! I love you!
Monday, February 15, 2010
I have missed you lately. You were my time to myself. My time to reflect, the time I mostly devoted to Kooper. No matter who I was with, where I was going or when I went my mind always traveled to Kooper. I would think about him and I didn't have anything to interrupt my thoughts. He kept my legs moving when all I wanted to do was stop or walk. I pushed myself harder because of him. I was doing it for him. I wanted to do the 5k for him. And then it all got put on hold. I had to stop. That was the first sign I had that I was pregnant. I tried to go running one morning and the entire time I thought I was going to start puking. I had to walk. I felt so sick and was almost dry heaving. That was the last time I went running. I miss it. It is what I am looking forward to most after I have the baby. It makes me feel so good even though I am not fast by any means and I can't go far. When 5am rolls around and it's still 100 degrees outside I just want to curl back up in bed and stay in my air conditioned house. But it's worth it. It helps me feel better and I think it is good therapy, it helps me sort through my thoughts.
I miss you running. I can't wait to meet up with you again!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
- The smell of Ryan when he walks by...he is always wearing a good cologne
- When Kade listens and compliments me or tells me he loves me
- Thinking of Kooper and the ways he has changed me for the better
- The look on Kamryn's face when I walk into the room
- Baby boy K kicking around in my belly
- Talking to my Mom on the phone, even better when we get to hang out
- Being around my silly Dad
- All the memories I have with my sisters and I look forward to the memories to come
- The rest of my extended family...I love you but it would take too long and I might forget somebody
- blog stalking (all 96 of them)
- going on dates with Ryan
- girls nights
- just talking with friends or family
- having my hair played with
- getting my hair done
- a good book
- romantic comedy movies
- colors (my favorites are orange, pink and green)
- french toast
- being pregnant (when I am not sick)
- going on trips
- going out to eat (notice cooking is not on my list of love)
- fry sauce....this is towards the top! Why hasn't the rest of the world discovered this yet???
- good deals
- Diet Coke (from the fountain)
- A good reality show
- cute jewelry...even though I don't have any
- French tip nails...even though mine are rarely done
- comfy pants
- walking around Target
- The game scattegories
- being right
- Surprises (even though I am not good at letting people surprise me....if I suspect anything I ask and ask until they give in...but I am getting better)
- Church music
- Hearing the name Kooper
- Ariel from The Little Mermaid
- hearing Kade and Kamryn laugh and play
- watching our kids grow and learn new things
- notes or letters from friends and family
- a clean house
- smooth legs
- getting mail....I know, I'm weird!
- when people leave comments on my blog
- winning things...I am not very lucky, I hardly ever win anything
- Finding something I have been looking for
Okay I am done. I am sure I could think of many more things, but I am stopping.
Happy Valentines Day Ryan! I love you more than anything and would choose you over any of these...even fry sauce! "Olive Juice!" XOXOXO
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
The cashier thought she was SO cute and then when I called to Kade (who was trying to talk me into buying an overpriced stuffed animal) she said, "There's another one? And then one on the way, WOW!" Yep I am crazy and if you only knew that there should have been another one that was 1 and a half!
Here is a picture of Kade from a few days ago....he was a tired little man!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Here is what happened:
I decided to get Kade registered for kindergarten instead of putting it off and procrastinating. So I got all the documents I needed ready and off to the school we went. Kamryn was a little hungry so she wasn't the happiest. Luckily no one else was there so there wasn't any waiting. As I am filling out the paperwork my brain must be a jumble because instead of putting my information where it goes I start to fill out Kade'swhere mine should go. In the meantime Kade is taking the sticker he got at the grocery store and sticking it to the trophy case...and other crazy boy things. I go over to get the sticker off before it is so stuck that it leaves residue and someone walks in the door. Wind blows in and my papers blow everywhere scattering all over the floor.
Kade mentions that he has to go potty and is doing "the dance" there is a restroom right there for the faculty and the lady behind the desk politely tells me he is welcome to use it. I didn't want to have an argument so I let him go into the men's restroom thinking that he is going to do a quick #1, wash his hands and be out. Well a few minutes pass by, I am wondering where he is and hoping he isn't doing something naughty in there. I am thinking he hasn't even started school and if he does something bad, he is going to get kicked out before we even get him enrolled. I thought I mayhave here a yell, saying I'm done, come wipe me. I know that nobody else has gone in the restroom so I walk to the door and knock and open it a little and ask if he was ok. Sure enough he is done going #2! So now I have to proceed in there with Kamryn in my arms and wipe his butt! As I lean over a little to wipe him Kamryn spits her binkey out and yes it lands in the toilet. (Me rolling my eyes and taking a very deep breath) I can't flush it or it will get clogged so I had to do the unimaginable and get the binky out and throw it away. YUCK! I go back wash my hands and help Kade. I am partially fortunate that when he went into the stall to go potty he didn't lock it.
I get back and proceed to fill the paperwork out having my papers blown across the table and onto the floor one more time, Kade is actually being good and Kamryn is scooting/crawling backwards on the carpet off her blanket.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Kade started preschool this month. I was feeling like a bad mom because after Kamryn was born he stopped going to daycare and wasn't getting interaction with kids his age as much and also wasn't keeping up on his ABC's and all that fun stuff. I would try but what 4 year old really wants to listen to their Mom? Not mine anyways. He is loving preschool and I am glad. We went to Target after I picked him up from school and got Valentines for his classmates. While we were there I was walking by all the clearance areas to see if they had any "steals" and Kade found a little solar light. He held it up and he said we should get this for Kooper. I thought it was a great idea.
I think Kamryn is really going to start crawling any day now. She is so content lately just laying on her belly worming across the living room (she can only move backwards or in a circle) trying to reach the remote or anything that isn't her toy. I just looked over and she is fast asleep in her jumperoo. Unfortunately she hasn't slept through the night as much as I hoped since that last post. Once she did, the night I worked! Just my luck.
I am super excited, The Time Traveler's Wife came out today and I can't wait to watch it again! Ryan will worked a little earlier this morning so luckily that means he will be home earlier! I am happy that we will actually get to have dinner together!
Monday, February 8, 2010
No, it's not about the money, it is a little bit but you will see why as I explain below. It's not fair to those families out there that go full term or close enough to have a viable baby and then to have an unexpected event happen and lose their child. They still have to pay for a funeral service, a plot, flowers, a headstone. It is no different than any other child or baby. They still prepared just as much as any other family, they still had to pay the exact same medical bills. They are just as much a part of the family, they are a real person.
I didn't express this on my blog last year although it was like Amy said in her post, "a kick in the gut". When you go to do your taxes or you call the insurance company only to find out that your baby doesn't count. You prepared, you gave birth to this child, that doesn't count? It doesn't count for anything? These babies deserve to be "counted". They were a life that was viable outside their mother's womb. They could have survived if they had the chance. They are your child.
Please read Amy's post. It is so true. It touched my heart I am so glad that she is able to have her baby "count". It reminded me of my goal. My goal to fight for those stillborn babies that were alive in their Mother and could have very well lived outside the womb if only we knew they just needed to be out to live. One day I will fight. I will fight my hardest to be heard, to get stillbirth recognized and those sweet angel babies acknowledged by others and the IRS and insurance companies. It was a slap in the face to find out that he didn't count. We were kicked when we were already down. I don't want more parents to experience that. When they are going through unexplainable grief they shouldn't have to worry about how they are going to pay for a casket, a plot, a marker, flowers, and all the other costs. When they go to do their taxes and the question asked if they had a baby this year they shouldn't have to check the answer yes, but then also mark that the baby was stillborn (so he doesn't count).
One day Kooper, hopefully I will have made a difference, I will have changed something. I will have done something in your honor because I believe that you do matter and you do count, so should everyone else.
I hope this all came out right, and came across the way I wanted it. I wish I would have blogged about it last year, when my feelings were so fresh. I wish I could fight now for these babies and their families, but I have my hands full and I don't think I could do as good of a job being 5 months pregnant and little ones at home. I want to be able to put my whole heart and self into it. For Kooper.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
I am done now. I am done whining. I love my life and my kids and I should just get over it! I am sure there will come a day when I just want them to be home, I want them to bug me and they won't.
Could you please not strip down to your underwear and refuse to put your clothes back on. Also would you please stop getting every toy imaginable out. I don't like your excuse when it is time to clean up that your can't because your hands are full of other toys. Thanks for telling me that you love me and for brushing my hair this morning! One more thing.....don't scare your sister. I love you!
Could you please watch over your siblings? I am sure you already are but I just thourght I would ask. Visit us often and make me prouder than I already am. I love and miss you! XOXOXO
You did such a good job sleeping through the night last night, could you please keep doing it? I enjoy the regular 8 hours but 11 hours is unbelievable! You are such a cute chubby girl, you have no idea what is coming, but I hope you love babies! I love you!
Krue or Keegan or whatever your name is....baby.
Continue to kick me as much as you want. I always enjoy it. It eases my mind. Continue to grow and be a healthy baby and don't do any funny stuff like flip around too much. I don't want you to get tangled in your cord. I can't wait to meet you....well actually I can wait, but I am very excited. I love you!
Thanks for listening to my crazy theories or superstitions. Thanks for being a good husband. I miss you. Thanks for not complaining about the things that I don't get done. These new work hours stink but I know that we will SURVIVE! I love you!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
As I read the quote she referred to in her blog post,"The palest ink is more than the greatest memory" Immediately I thought of Journaling about your life, and about all the experiences you have had. How even if you had the best memory there is and don't forget anything, what happens when you die? Whose memory will live on to tell your stories to the next generations? Plus how likely do you think that parts will be missed or facts will be changed? Wouldn't it be neat to have a journal of your great-great-grandparents or even just your mom? To hear the horror stories of the terrible things that you did as a child and how much she still loved every inch of you? Or how even though she was so, so mad when she screamed at you that it wasn't really your fault that maybe she had alot on her mind or on her plate?
As Ashley talks about her struggle with this college course I see her great great grandchildren reading her Journal (her blog) and finding out that they have that same fear. To know that they aren't alone and that they can overcome it.
I have never been a good journaler. An inspiration came from a missionary that came over for dinner shortly after Kooper died. He wanted to share his testimony and a spiritual thought about journaling. Someone in his family had the journal of one of his great great great grandma's. In that journal she talked about her conversion to the church and she lived and was a member around the time that Joseph Smith was translating the Book of Mormon. She talked about how he was always tucked away doing work. She also talked about how much her father was against her going to these meetings. How neat is that? There was more there that I don't remember. But I knew that it would be important for me to tell my story. For me to document my life for the generations to come. Maybe my experience will help on of my great great granddaughters through a tough trial of losing a child. Or maybe they will see my faith in my journaling and it will help them gain a testimony of their faith. Or maybe they will just laugh at the random things that I post and wonder what was wrong with their crazy Grandma! But I hope I can at least make them laugh.
So Ashley even though you think sometimes your posts are boring. They may seem like it to you, but when your kids and grandkids go back and read, they won't think so. They will probably relate to your stories. Plus it's a good thing you are doing this blogging everyday thing with me, how likely do you think you would have blogged about your class last night?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Right now she is so cute, sucking away on her bottle and her eyes closing such a tired girl. How can something so yucky come out of something so cute?
Baby Wipes - $3
New lap pad - $3
The joy of seeing your cute little baby smile after you make their poopy diaper all better - PRICELESS!
I can't wait until it's my bed time!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Kade got 2 good pictures and he called it a day.
This one could have been soooooo cute...but miss princess was done. She was tired and wanted nothing to do with the camera!